@Chava go for the exercise, but don't overdo or you won't sleep!
I'm terrified to call my therapist even though he has said I can whenever I want. I don't want to bug him, even when I'm in chaos. I couldn't even bring myself to call emergency services this summer when I really thought I needed it. I don't do well asking for help. One of the hardest things about my chronic pain issues is that I have had to learn to ask for physical help sometimes when it is really desperate...but even then, I end up crawling up the basement stairs with the laundry instead of asking someone to help me. And that's not even psychological help. Asking for psychological help is way more difficult. Perhaps because like you I feel I need far more help than anyone can give. But the few times I have managed to ask, it's been okay. It hasn't necessarily been what I wanted, but it was something.
I suppose we need to get up the courage to discuss these issues really directly in therapy. It is about the therapeutic relationship, and if that relationship isn't honest and open and direct, the healing isn't going to happen properly. It is really, really hard to confront a therapist I think. I kind of blew my own mind last week when I told mine I thought we'd had a really sucky previous appointment (we had). He was quite open to talking about why. It didn't solve my issue, really, but it felt rather good to bring it up and not have the world collapse.
Something about my upbringing made me feel that asking for help is dangerous in many ways, and that I have to be completely self-sufficient. Going to therapy has been a really difficult experience for me. My therapist doesn't know all of what goes on with me because I don't tell him. I am generally the queen of minimizing. Talking on this forum has helped me at least put words to some of the stuff.
I also realize I'm horrible at asking for help. I don't expect it so make sort of vague remarks to see if I get closed down or not. That and feeling like I keep up my minimal connections if I'm not a burden but try to survive the worst feelings all by myself.
I do that all the time. I'm very vague unless the person asks me directly, and even then I sometimes keep it general (my therapist is learning to ask pretty pointed questions of me sometimes, but other times he doesn't pick up on my vague hints at things...so it's up to me to get better at asking specifically...very hard). Nobody else (except my mother who is grossly intrusive) asks pointed questions, so they don't know much about my inner life.
I hope you have a better night tonight. Even though you stayed in a little room all day, you have reached out to connect on the forum. You have inner resources to get you through even though you feel so overrun by all the other parts. I hope you can rest.
