Something has Changed

[whiteraven]

I haven't felt suicidal in a couple of years. That, after feeling it chronically for decades. And then yesterday, it started all over again. The hating myself, the realizing people have a *reason* not to care about or listen to me. Knowing that I have never been anything, and I never will. Made worse today after a meeting tonight. I don't even feel like I'm doing right by my cats. I love them so much, but I wonder if someone else could love them more.

There's so much I have to do, and I just feel like checking out.

 

[arfie]

make friends with change. it's the only thing you can count on. ~chinese proverb

gentle empathy, raven. my low self-esteem has a way of popping up at seemingly random intervals and wreaking creative havoc in my psyche at the most inconvenient of times. yesterday afternoon i was convinced for a short spell that my chickens and donkeys were conspiring on how to get a more competent caregiver on the farm. why else would they have been huddled in that peculiar social gathering?

sigh. . .
plying therapy tools. they work when i work them.

 

[StillPen]

make friends with change. it's the only thing you can count on. ~chinese proverb

gentle empathy, raven. my low self-esteem has a way of popping up at seemingly random intervals and wreaking creative havoc in my psyche at the most inconvenient of times. yesterday afternoon i was convinced for a short spell that my chickens and donkeys were conspiring on how to get a more competent caregiver on the farm. why else would they have been huddled in that peculiar social gathering?

sigh. . .
plying therapy tools. they work when i work them.

You always have great insight and gentle support when responding to others. I fight my depression, or rather work with my depression daily, so I relate.

Take care while you move through this bout'

 

[Muttly]

I'm sorry you are going through that. I have always felt like it's harder to deal with, in some ways, when it comes after a break. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and practice self-care and coping skills.

 

[Friday]

Okay… so what’s changed?

1 big, 74 minor, everything in between… what’s going on in your life that’s brought out the big guns in nuclear coping mechanisms?

 

[arfie]

I fight my depression, or rather work with my depression daily, so I relate.

i can fight mother nature all i want. then i can find something productive to do.

i am frequently amazed at how often working with my less comfortable emotions leads me to some minor tweak or fine tuning which improves the situation tremendously. for certain, i end up with far less collateral than when i fight mother nature. that be one tough, old broad! ! ! she has dirty tricks i'm not creative enough to think of.

 

[whiteraven]

Okay… so what’s changed?

1 big, 74 minor, everything in between… what’s going on in your life that’s brought out the big guns in nuclear coping mechanisms?

It's a million little things. I'm aware of them, aware that the onslaught leads to me thinking this way. *Knowing* doesn't help much.

Let's see...a few things. I saw a video of myself being an associate in the church I attend. It asctually felt pretty ok when I did it (I am NOT a public speaker, but this went well), but when I saw it, I just HATED the person I saw.

Then, I attended the final organizational meeting for a gala the rescue I volunteer for is having. Someone else is doing the job I did last year, and this year I am not really doing anything until the set-up and the day/evening. I made a couple of suggestions based on some issues I saw last year, and they barely acknowledged I even spoke. That left me feeling invisible and completely removed from everything going on.

And last, I am volunteer co-editor of a newsletter, and the person that I work with completely disregards my needs in private, but then she says how wonderful I am in public. She's a consummate Pollyanna, but when we work together, she expects me to be available all the time, to put everything on hold to work on her stuff, and to be "patient" with people who don't meet our deadline. NOBODY meets our deadline, including her. For example, deadline this month was October 5th. I have one article. ONE. It doesn't feel safe to say anything, though. Oh, and she brought on a new volunteer (a guy who is as much a Pollyanna as she is), who she just adores. The issue there is that, no matter what he says, it's gold. Even the things he knows nothing about. Oh, I have a meeting with him in 5 minutes so he can tell me what I'm doing wrong.

That safety issue is an issue with church, too, I think. I am the new pagan leader there, and in that, everything goes very well. I feel comfortable with all the organizing we are doing for our relaunch, and I am excited about the service we are presenting at Samhain. But there's a lot going on in this place that is just scary, and it doesn't feel safe to speak up or disagree.

At minimum, I don't feel I should feel unsafe at church. I mean, seriously.

I've been in tears most of this week. I want to fit in somewhere, and I just don't. Gotta run for this stupid meeting.