Something Is Rotten In Denmark

[Kintsugi]

I feel the many slender and icy hands of depression threatening to enclose me. They start in my belly but they're working toward my throat. It is almost like being caressed by an abusive lover. Shhh, it seems to say, and strokes my self-worth, my motivation, my dreams.

It is old hat: worn, therefore comfortable. It is familiar. It slips on like an ugly dress I have too often used for events I hate to attend, fitting too well, pushing to my nose the fact that it knows my body and I its seams.

The prose that emerges from the listless falling of my fingers on keys is a sure sign that I have become infected. Whether it will move to my chest and spread through my body or my emotional immune system will fend it off before the week's end is impossible to prognose.

The biggest broken things I needed to fix are fixed. I have only small things left, and then Myself. Myself. My Self. It looms.

I thought I should tell someone I'm feeling... strange. Thanks for listening.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Sending warm :hug:s

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sending you encouraging and healing hugs of comfort. It will be ok. This will pass, it just takes time and effort and you are so amazing and do not deserve to feel this way at all. i am sorry you are in at this time. i hope it will go away soon.

 

[The Albatross]

Simon this is coming on the heels of some actions, a lot of them to initiate change. Some down cycling is not uncommon however, you can refute the thoughts/feelings with affirming (talking back to them) by saying some version of, "I have been successful at actions, abcdef&g, they are in line with the direction I want to take. Some doubt and insecurity is normal under the circumstance... but it is my decision and depression is not welcome to the party... so shut the hell up and go away!"

 

[digger]

Lots of huge changes to your life recently https://www.myptsd.com/threads/oh-the-places-i-have-gone.54890/ perhaps some unsettled feelings are to be expected? And a case of a dip after a lot of raised adrenaline maybe? Getting allthethings done in a pretty short period, needing to be 'on' for all of it, I'd guess your head is telling you it needs a stop-break for a little bit. My T repeatedly tries to get me to prepare for and accept that these slumps after stresses might happen, I repeatedly forget to and end up wondering why it hit me....
Maybe accepting it as something understandable in the circumstances, if not actually welcome, might help?

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with @The Albatross & @digger above

.Maybe use this time to compose, you write beautifully.

I'm sorry, I know the battle is hard. That 'abusive lover' of mine is a murderer. Like Alby said, tell (it) to F Off. You have done some amazing but very difficult things. You are very brave. Much TLC & not much but a candle for you from me. :hug:

 

[Mit]

I hope you feel better very soon. I know the feelings you describe so vividly and painfully. I'll be thinking of you over the coming days and ready to give you all the support and encouragement I can offer.

 

[hodge]

I hope you feel better soon, Simon. :hug:s

 

[Friday]

That's one of my patterns, too. Everything is accomplished so now I can take a well deserved "Phew!" and rest & enjoy... Nope. No we're gonna do the wanting to die thing. Crap. Brain! Knock it off!!!

Ditto... Whenever I'm over the moon happy... What goes up? Must come down. Dammit.

With both, gentling the landing helps immensely. Something adrenaline rich. Not wildly exciting, but sort of middling good fun.

 

[Kintsugi]

Thank you for all of the warm replies. @The Albatross, @digger, @Junebug, I did know this was coming. I have been waiting for a year and a half. Maybe this is another false slump, and some other incredible stresses will hit in quick succession again, and it will continue to be postponed. Honestly, I hope not. I hope this is the Fall. I am so ready to finally go through this.

At the same time, it is really impossible to prepare for. I am feeling more tells now (particularly insomnia of both falling and staying asleep--bad sign for me to have both) than I have in the last false starts with depression over the past year. Anyway, it's hard to remember all of the ingredients that seem to go I to the cocktail of depression, how it really feels on the inside. I don't want to die yet. I'm kind of numb. Kind of irritable. My patience is low. I feel listless. I'm tired as hell. Still losing weight (still not eating much). Anorexia is giddy with me these days.

I'm still social, but I don't really want to be. I made myself go see friends on the 4th (it was good for me, even though I didn't have fun). I'm trying to push the social thing now that I live alone. I searched and searched my mind last night, and I realized I truly don't think I have ever actually felt lonely. Isolation becomes me.

@FridayJones I like your Rx. I think I'm actually maybe doing that when I engage in things that are mostly passive (media, majorly) but which excite me (and are done alone). The media is never exactly healthy, yet I find it invigorating. Often it falls into the category of reenactment symptomatically. Meh.

Impulsive self-harm is way up. Insomnia is up. Wanting to isolate. Thinking about trauma--up. Family patience--waaay down. Self-esteem/worth, down. Desire to shut people out yet also scream for help? UP.

Le sigh.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Simply Simon , as with Friday's Rx, just an idea, can you take a "Daycation"? I think of it that way (made it up in my mind years ago, after they came up with "Staycation"), well for me (personally) if I can take a real 'day' to myself (or even 20 minutes) it helps. Not in isolating or the usual routine (or usual routine when feeling this way) but something totally different. A place &/or a schedule I could enjoy or in the past brought me relief/ decompression. A mental reduction (& even physical one), but especially in self-generated pressure. Kind of a mini-reduce-all-of-it-or-stabilize-TLC time, even if it's say alone in a park. Sort of a clearing-house really for my own thoughts. It helps (me) to think. Jot down thoughts when you're there, whatever random ones. And try to keep it within your energy level atm. Not so much self-care but going off on your own to think. But without intention to think, I just find it's a by-product eventually. My analogy would be like running in from the rain or a storm to a place safe, then being able to relax. That kind of 'feeling'. (I think it's got to include that, safe or neutral or benign).

:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

I think Simon, I'd take heart and acknowledge that this inclination has been warded off for a prolonged period. That is an accomplishment. If it appears there is gonna be a crash... down cycle... my brain goes straight into what can I do to "cushion" the blow or shorten the duration and minimize the residual or longer term effect. Can you put your thinking cap on?