Sometimes Feel Like Having Been In A War (though I Have Not)

[Deleted member 28812]

This thread is a little bit ridiculous.

Registered people can see that little flag to know what country I am from. Don't feel comfortable with mentioning it all of the time, because well it's a small(er) country than yours.

Anyway. You know that countries history and how we went from one dictatorship to another.

My husband is a Vet and I spoke to some of the older people, because I wanted to know what it was like. They told me their stories of war and actually it was stories I did not want to know. I discovered after I already heard them and there was no way to get them out of my head.... and there are also stories of dictatorship I have been told...

Well none of the people who told me those stories ended up with PTSD. If they are tortured by it, if they think about it often... I don't know.

Odd thing: I sometimes cannot get them out of my head. It is like those are REAL memories of stuff that happened to ME. I can SEE it in front of my very eyes

Sometimes feel like we are... dunno... like insects, like somehow subhuman for having that stuff happening to us... and of course some of my countrymen were actually very bad people. There is no doubt about it.

Sometimes I am so afraid that democracy which has lasted for 25 years now, will not last any longer or that there will be another war on our soil. The situation in Ukraine scares me (and a lot of other people). All of my friends are screed by that.

Why do I write this now? I think because I realized one of my "triggers" is being treated not as an equal and that is the reason why I felt so bad when some people in a support group did not answer my question but instead talke about themselves (those people btw where from the other part of our country which has been free for a longer time).
So I don't have PTSD but I think I have a trigger... and actually sometimes it is hard to get this stuff out of my head. Do you know how can stop thinking about it?

BTW - please no political discussion. I know my countrymen were the bad ones and I don't deny it.
This is just about how I feel sometimes.

This board made me think about this a lot - my fault, not the board's.

 

[Ronin]

Ok, umm. Here comes pretty much the question of what do you believe about consciousness (and how it transfers)? There are people, therapists included, that go into things like past lives and similar things. There are support groups, both elsewhere online and offline, for that kind of thing. Things are very different being a trauma of current life... but then, I'm not dismissing likelihood of other types of trauma (other life, generational traumata, collective/national ones, et cetera.). You'll still need to work with the issues from it to heal, what-ifs are helpful only as long as they help you determine what happened/is happening with you.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I actually don't think I need therapy because therapy would "take more hours" than I currently think of it per month... but some "skills" would be good. I actually don't really believe in past lives.

You'll still need to work with the issues from it to heal, what-ifs are helpful only as long as they help you determine what happened/is happening with you.

What do you mean by this?

 

[Ronin]

What I mean is if it's genuine stressors of some sort, you'll need to find coping skills, but that process is pretty universal with coping and has nothing to do with how 'strange' any of your experiences may be. And that it doesn't help to worry about how one ended up with some sorts of perceptions if they interrupt their life, what they need to do is work them through. Basically a 'don't spin yourself into a loop over this, look at whats actually causing you problems, and work with that. You don't need complicated theory over something difficult if the tools to heal yourself are available and much simpler.'

 

[Friday]

Never blame yourself for the evils others do.

I grew up on military bases, from a military family. Something that was ground into me from the time I could walk... Is that "the enemy"? Are usually good people. People who, if you met under different circumstances, you'd BBQ with. Trust to babysit your kids. Have a beer with. Doesn't mean you still don't have to try to kill them. Doesn't mean they're not trying to kill you (although, ideally, kill an enemy like you'd kill a friend, and hope they give you the same kindness... Fast and clean. But don't beat yourself up if it's not. Things get messy. Take clean where you can. Saves your soul pain later.). Individuals may be evil. Governments can be bad. But armies everywhere are mostly made up of good people trying to do right by those they love. The whole demonizing-the-enemy thing, the subhuman thing... Is something mostly done by civilians. Not soldiers. Generally, we don't need it. Killing is actually a lot easier than most people think. The idea is harder than reality. Good people do terrible things. Terrible people do good things. Doing what's right is almost always a matter of perspective.

The way I was trained to talk... Was to do one of two things : give orders or share. I usually share. Someone asks a question, I generally share a story from my life. Why? Because then they can take those lessons, or not, as they please. I tell someone what I learned, under what circumstances, what I did, what the results were. Does that mean it's always the case? Nope. It's just my experience. Like the above story from my childhood, and my time in service. Are there soldiers who demonize the enemy? Sure. But it wasn't what I was taught to do. I didn't do it. And the here are the results of my not having done it: come to find, no need. Killing is easy. Living is hard.

Thing is... We're not equal. I have basic medical training. A little advanced training. A doctor outranks me. I am not equal to a doctor. I have a little mechanical training. I am not a mechanic, and I am not equal to a mechanic. Before I was a parent? I wasn't equal to parents.

We all have different walks of life. Different specialties. Different skills. Different personalities. Different talents. Different gifts. None of us are equal to everyone. There is always someone better, someone worse, and someone different than ourselves.

You can pick one specialty... Or talent, skill, etc... And take offense that they have something you don't. But I'm not sure why you would. Of you want that skill set? Do it. Enlist. Or go to medical school. Or learn mechanics. Or have a baby. Or, or, or, or.

But, fair warning... Even if you do acquire the speciality you want? You will never be equal to all in it. There will be newbies, and specialists, and the elite. We are none of us equal. We're all different.

 

[Ronin]

But, fair warning... Even if you do acquire the speciality you want? You will never be equal to all in it. There will be newbies, and specialists, and the elite. We are none of us equal. We're all different.

(All of that, and)
Sometimes it really isn't a point, even. Most of the times it isn't the point. As long as there's someone to do what's required and does it, and you're not in the way of them doing it, or can be, hopefully helpful. Differences can be sorted later, we all got place on this earth for a reason.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I ment something different by subhuman... being treated like you don't really matter. Just to give an example: An old women I know told me how back then every woman older than 12 in her village was raped by enemy combatants and some had children from that rape... and nobody actually cared... and this is treating those women like they actually did not have any feelings (and of course many of our own soldiers weren't treating the people in other countries any better. So of course I am not trying to say we were the good ones here).

...and later there was the other dictatorship and... well... I always asked myself why my people were living under this conditions back then, like "is there something wrong with us?".

I find this difficult to explain and actually have no idea if other people from my country thing about this and feel the same. However I have always envied people from older democracies.

 

[Ronin]

You can't change whole nations. Often times not even the communities. You can try, sure, but the only person in anything you can change is yourself... eventually those open to change. That may not really be many. Doesn't make it less mattering. I don't really know envy helps in much with this; be the kind of person you want to be and would wish others to be, you may find others like you, you can make things together, and some times the attempt is good enough.

(Not meaning to dismiss your experience & disliking some parts of human nature. Just adding the perspective of freedom often times is a state of mind, and then what one does to keep that mindset stable. That it's not about other people. I've been in many places I've asked myself those questions, when well, I figured 'dictatorship' is a bad thing, cough. The answer was always the same; that freedom won't be 'out there' unless it's mine, first.)

 

[Deleted member 28812]

My problem is that I can see those things like those rapes and like the bombing of a city and all the bodies of the people who died during that bombings and all those people who were killed trying to cross the border and how people were tortured and so on and so on before my inner eye - as if it happened to me. It's odd and does not make any sense. I know.

and this contributes to my feeling that the world is a bad place and... dunno... makes no sense... does it?

Add to that that I have a husband who sometimes has a very gloomy outlook...

However I want to snatch out of it.

 

[Ronin]

No, it sounds like being a sensible human being who just doesn't wish bad things on people. Eventually as symptoms of anxiety. That isn't really not making sense.

And there's a - you can't change anyone's past, but to an extent you can prepare yourself for eventualities and you can keep your eyes open. And you can listen to everyone who was there and help them deal with what they deal. Again: not powerlessness.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I'm German-american and I used to think that made me evil. Not sure if that's really along the same lines but I grew up with a family who loved their heritage and around kids and adults that weren't always kind.

One day, about a year ago I met another German-american with a healthy outlook, who saw his heritage very openly and I realized it was okay.

Again, maybe not really what you meant but I sometimes felt like the burden of wars I didn't create was mine too. That I was guilty by Association.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Again, maybe not really what you meant but I sometimes felt like the burden of wars I didn't create was mine too. That I was guilty by Association.

Partly this is what I mean and partly it is just the feeling that the world is a really sad place that does not make much sense.

Take that example of the old woman I wrote about who was raped by russian soldiers - just like every women in her village. Why did this happen? Well because soldiers from my country had raped their women... back then in the 1940s that was.

This story is just so sad... and makes me feel sick... and at the same time ashamed to come from such a country.

... and the story of my country has been a sad one right until 1989.

Older people have told me a lot of stuff from that time, because I asked. I wish I hadn't asked.

Now this stories have become ingrained in my memory AS IF they happened to me... like I can see the russian soldiers who hold down the women and rape them at gunpoint and hear their screams...

This happened to an old lady I like very much and I never knew she had a sad story like this. She doesn't have PTSD.

She actually was one of the women who had a child by this... a little boy - and there is something good in all of those bad things. Her husband came back, he had been a POW and he learned that she had this child - and he raised him as his own. The little boy grew up to be an engineer, a father of four - and as far as I know a happy and well-loved person.

Stil it is horrible to know things like this happened and it does not add to my self-esteem. Sometimes, when somebody mentions something that reminds me of that stuff all that "memories" come flooding back to me, make me feel sad.