Speaking Out; Become A Suicide Activist

[Muzikluvr]

For me, I was forced into silence by my dad who thought I was trying to hurt him by telling him that his favorite uncle raped me. My mother silenced me for fear that Child Protective Services would publicly humiliate her and my dad, when they didn't deserve it - they hadn't chosen for me to be raped; but because they didn't prevent it... and didn't protect me from further rapes, they would surely lose me. She only told us about her fear that they would take us both away from them to get my brother to join in the pleading... for me to conceal the rapes. At least, that's how it felt to me, at the time and when I relived it years later in memories. She had already lost me, and she knew that. She was pleading for her son, for her husband, for our small family... for her pride, that she had, in fact, married better than her siblings.

Maybe that's why it hurts me so much to remain silent now, holding back my own fears of being investigated by CPS if they knew all the trauma, and the resulting mental illness, and suicidal ideation that I experience. But, the silence has a way of destroying my soul, and making my life feel worthless.

I am a mother, a wife. What else am I? I have had terrible experiences working outside of the home. I've virtually stopped working inside the home. I coach a sport! That, actually, feels like a strike against me instead of one in my favor... despite how invigorating it is when the team comes together. It's hard not to feel worthless when I am so afraid that if I show my true self to the people around me, it will hurt my children, bring shame to my family and distance my husband from me. Pretending is a painful way to live.

Anyway, it's the silence that hurts me. I wish I had relationships that validate my past experiences, but even my friends when I was being abused... didn't know about the abuse.

I found this video because I'm really enjoying TedTalks on Youtube, and I think this man is experiencing some of the same issues I feel about being silenced and stigmatized for being a rape victim. Even people who might know about it, would never speak to me about it... like suicide, it's a conversation that takes place in hushed voices, behind closed doors and isn't brought up to the victim. Despite how much people might say to each other about it, they are usually very uncomfortable when the victim brings it up. Like rape, suicide is a conversation our country needs to bring out into the open.

I hope this video helps you. I hope it adds to the hope that I know you feel inside. I hope it opens up your perspective so you can include more choices for tomorrow.

 

[Overcast]

Maybe it is time to speak up to someone. It sounds like the pain is deep and wants to come out. I would recommend finding a therapist specializing in trauma if you do not have one. That would be a good place to start.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for sharing this vid. It has given me more inspiration for my blog :) I'm sorry that you're going through a hard time. Right now I'm exhausted from having my own hard times, maybe later I'll find some energy to write a real reaction. Hug :hug:

 

[The Albatross]

Though recommended periodically for a stint on the local suicide hotline and the training associated with it. I did the trauma intervention program in our area instead... sort of like a victim's advocate who stays with the person on a trauma or crime scene. A lot of the elderly I work with are depressed, and I have some friends and a touch of this myself. I would find a commitment to suicide intervention while working as an agency care giver and being involved with our two elderly walking disabled mothers tough. But maybe someday if I can get to where I can manage my own issues with a bit more emotional balance. I need something a little more upbeat this coming year. This will be my 5th year of volunteer or charitable commitments. I keep changing up after a one year goal until I find something that clicks.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Love your post, @The Albatross !

I am speaking out anonymously, and that is starting to blend into my real life. I am gathering perspectives from all the information "out there" which are broadening my own perspective.

I believe I will eventually speak out more in defense of those who suffer from suicidal ideation, and those with mental health issues. Right now, I am pretty focused on speaking out against Rape, and for Women's Rights. I also am speaking up against religion, which I think is filled with the same manipulative arguments as the abuse cycle.

This video caught my attention because I often have suicidal ideation. I have acted on suicidal impulses before, and am aware that I need to control my impulses because I don't want to die or be maimed by them. But, what I really identified with was how he is connecting with other people over something that is usually hushed up... and I believe that people need connection in order to broaden their perspectives... and as he says, expand the limits of their perspective in order to encompass more choices.

"Suicide cannot be a choice, if it is the only one." So, we must reach out to each other and connect with one another. Who would choose suicide if there were other options?

 

[Tinyflame]

That man spoke huge truths. He is very brave. And people might be surprised how 'normal' he appears, or well spoken he was as regards it. Thanks for posting it. It's heavy, but when one is in the moment in it, I think that those are exactly the truths that apply, and I agree, very few can bear to address those things, or remain alongside people who must because they are in it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, the more I think of it, he is soooo correct. I always was able to even recognize the 'constricted thinking' ('perception' is more- most- accurate), but not know a way or be able to help or change it, even trying with all my heart.

To me, it's also like lifting weight off, when one can't breathe.

I was thinking, he said 90% have a mental illness, I would add in physical pain as a big factor potentially too (pain fatigue, insomnia, adding alcohol, etc). But undiagnosed PTSD (or anything else) would qualify. I suspect, well I know, that I didn't know what was happening to me when I was 14/15 (flashbacks, etc). Actually, took 25 more years to identify there was a 'name' for this, (and sooooo many people going through the same things, oh my!!!)

I think it is a personal 'hell', therefore very scary for the person and anyone around, why the conversations don't happen (on either parties part). People mostly cannot accompany anyone along with such things, it's too scary (for them) and too 'ugly' (or 'gross', not the 'norm') and frightening and overwhelming and they don't understand, they can't accompany someone through such a personal hell. And it is absolutely not their fault at all.

 

[Muzikluvr]

It is impossible to understand someone else's perspective, without risking changing one's own. Who would want to do that if they might begin to understand why suicide is even a choice to that other person?

I think some people don't think of suicide as a choice at all... whereas others find it difficult to think of any other choice besides suicide.

I'm hoping the conversation will help the latter group, to see that not only are there other choices... but those choices are valid for them as well. Even if they're suffering in some way... perhaps there is some relief, if only they keep talking about what is causing them to suffer.

We cannot solve all the world's problems by thinking about them alone, what makes us think we can solve all of our own problems by thinking about them alone?

 

[Tinyflame]

... perhaps there is some relief, if only they keep talking about what is causing them to suffer.

We cannot solve all the world's problems by thinking about them alone, what makes us think we can solve all of our own problems by thinking about them alone?

Oh @Muzikluvr ,thanks, :hug: . Personally I don't even know if I felt the 'entitlement' of being able to discuss that sort of thing with others, so less inclination occurred to me to speak and reduce constriction. Lucky for me I did say 'something', twice, one person was figuratively like the man in the brown jacket (I wasn't made to feel like a monster, either), one person said 'jump you coward' (in different words)- just as he said.

But something small, even lighting a candle used to help me a lot. I guess 'hope' and an active tiny action to break through the constricted thinking.

I'm starting to actually wonder if anyone can get well if they try to do it only entirely alone (hidden)? :confused: :(

I am in a bit of a unique position, when I was 16 one guy that asked me out (he was 21) told me he had tried. (I sure don't recommend telling someone at that time!) I really did not know what to do with it, but felt horribly badly because I didn't, though in retrospect I was only 16 myself. Of course he had no idea that I myself had done the same, two tries- I really think my own pain (I denied and hid, even from myself) was far too close to the surface. But in having had that experience, I understand totally how someone can feel hearing such a thing, and forgive them for whatever they might react with, or not (I never said anything to anyone so I guess I didn't see a point to. Though "Do it and do the world a favor!" certainly increases the desire to). And I've learned to forgive myself a bit for my 'reaction' (or lack thereof) at 16. So it takes special people to advocate or have a discussion on such a thing. At least I have been able to console people after the fact (so they've said), but it's only a small part.

Also, as he said, I think people don't realize it's unrelenting. Not something thought of 'sometimes', or felt or noticed 'sometimes', but either (at the time) always in an unrelenting way, or almost without exception. I think that's similar to (other) negative perceptions, they seem impervious to anything contrary breaking through, or being able to see/ feel any other way (perception) about ourselves. Very difficult.

 

[Tinyflame]

I should just add, but I don't want to take this off topic and I promise to shut up(!), :) , what he didn't touch upon was the fall-out after speaking up, perhaps what is critical is that would be lessened with a societal change (one person at a time). This is very personal for me to say, but when I brought it up, and I did so because I knew I couldn't help doing it and would be, and not even thinking there was a way to change it, it was more over my personal religious beliefs. I couldn't stop it but I could try to reconcile what I could. And I never wanted/ want to hurt anyone. :( (Suicide was never my Life Plan. :( )

Despite the best of responses, I felt grotesque, grotesque shame and just the feeling of a 'cringe' at myself, extreme self hatred. I realize(d) I was a mess but it was really a horrific feeling. The person later pulled me in for a hug and it helped so much, but it was horribly hard to allow. I felt like some horrible contagious leper- monster. Just 'gross' in every way imaginable.

(Needless to say I wasn't used to speaking out about myself! :rolleyes: I have made progress thanks to the kindness of others! :) :hug: )

 

[Muzikluvr]

Also, as he said, I think people don't realize it's unrelenting.

This is a great point, @Junebug ! I remember hearing various "reasons" told by relatives and others after someone had succumbed to suicide for WHY they chose it... and it has always pissed me off. Reasons as shallow as "He didn't like his hair" and as self-blaming as "He said he couldn't go through another harvest." (Farmer) But, these aren't about the suffering that the person was going through, they're just a couple of external triggers that the victim struggled to deal with repeatedly. It's the fact that suicidal ideation becomes unrelenting when our perspective collapses... it's like, we are aware of other choices but they're grey and the suffering is bright red, glaring at us... saying "end this" and our options for ending it are faded, difficult to see or believe.

My own suicidal ideation has to do with feeling like I'm not "enough". Each time someone points out to me how I failed, I want to kill myself... wondering, "What's the point?" "I"m never going to figure life out." Shame plays a huge role in my suicidal ideation. I think that's why hiding my life experiences makes me feel like life isn't worth living. If I am not good enough, if I should feel this ashamed for making the mistakes I've made, then why can't I just die?

I also have a very deeply rooted belief that I was perfectly fine until I was raped, and that's when my life was ruined... that's when I was dragged off course and practically drowned in hatred and shame. I was certainly a different little girl before the abuse. So, I often think of my life in the context of what might have been... vs. what I am not, which is unacceptable and inappropriate for me to discuss with people. I find it fascinating that people think I choose to talk to them about pain, like I'm so focused on it that I'm missing out on what's good in life... when I feel like I'm reaching out of my isolation to find connection.

Today, I saw an unattractive young woman at the McDonald's drive thru and two things went through my mind as I smiled big and thanked her as warmly as I could, making sure to make eye contact and hoping I was sending her recognition of her humanity and validation of her efforts in life... I know, quite a bit to try to pack into a 5 second look at a stranger. But, I thought about her as I drove away, and wondered... wouldn't it be nice if we could get a group of people together who could appreciate each other for our own humanity and ignore all the social pressures and stuff? Then, I decided that if I focused on just those people who don't fit into the social norms, then our conversation would almost always end up revolving around the bitterness we feel for being excluded all those years before... And, why wouldn't it? It's painful! But, could we just keep validating that and keep trying to go have fun together, or would we all get sick of hearing the same complaints over and over...? Would it bring us down as a group? Could we ever move from bonding together over the shared feelings of exclusion and rejection and move onto bonding over positive connections between each of us?

I'm sorry if this is rambling. I think it all ties together, perhaps because I think that succumbing to suicide is more about feeling isolated and/or unworthy of joy, than about wanting to die. That is my experience. I think.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear @Muzikluvr , I am so sorry for the pain of your experiences. :cry: But, I am happy you say them, because these and ALL experiences count. I would rather hear any day things of such importance than drivel. Laughing is one thing, but I have little patience any more for 'empty' conversation. I feel I would rather seperate the wheat from the chaff. I don't have the energy, and I would rather people felt able and safe enough to honestly talk about how they REALLY feel, and what's important to them.

Yes, I totally get the trigger concept! Emotional flashback, of sorts, I see it as, or outright. I have the same, just different ones.

Mine was a bit different, happy but uncertain times growing up, including dad severly ill but undiagnosed (but recognized- hard not to miss), other stuff. But I recall when the incident that seemed to get-the-ptsd-ball-rolling occurred, my 'childhood' of any sorts ended (in my mind). I might as well have been 90. In my case I became the one everyone (to this day) says "You don't have the capacity to get depressed", or, "you should do stand-up comedy", (or "stop it, I'm going to pee my pants!"- their words :wideeyed: :laugh: ) Wow, I wish I was as I appear. Life sounds so much simpler that way. :)

I did not feel like I was 'not enough', I feel or felt (I think?) that I was horrible. Definitely in terms of the SI most recently it has been influenced heavily by feeling I am a terrible burden. When it occurred (the attempts) I definitely recall the thought coming to me (prior, I was in a building a few floors up) that "this must be why they put bars on the window to stop people jumping" .

Yes, I agree, I think many terrible triggers are more the impetus.

Funny too Muzikluvr, everyone has always thought everything was so easy for me, they've made comments such as "how would you know that", or "you wouldn't know", or (like your example of the lady at McDonalds) "What's a pretty girl like you doing.. (X- fill in the blank)". If they only knew (rather they don't, though, I don't have the 'ease' or do not have the strength to make it 'easy' as they say). Appearances can be deceiving I guess.

I totally agree, people should value ALL people, I always think- what is there, "4-point-something-degrees of seperation between everyone"? Seems to me the mathematical (logical) 'proof' that everyone should help and care for everyone, if they don't feel that way already on other grounds. Reminds me of my mom saying about a Toyota ad, "built for the human race"she said "what other race is there??" :wideeyed: :confused: :laugh:

You are a beautiful person Muzikluvr, from all I've ever read of what you've done and say. Period. Trauma has not changed that, or in fact, it's enhanced it, through your compassion, depth, understanding and emotional intelligence. I will add strength and courage (yes it might not feel like it but I can hear and see it). :) :hug: Your voice is needed wherever you may be.