Spiritual Turmoil And Unbelief

[BeatenMan]

I have really been struggling through this healing process to determine what I actually believe in the spritual sense. I was raised in a stict christian home, led the first 30 years of my life striving to be a good christian, served in all manners of the church including a deacon but as the years of abuse and trauma came crashing down, I very much feel like the club of christianity, that so many critics used, was the final breaking point for me.

I knew deep down in my gut that I had to get out of my abusive relationship for my own survival. I eventually succombed to the enourmous pressure of family, friends, and pastors to do the "Right Thing" and stay because I took a vow. I chose to believe that everyone in my life was right and that the screaming voice inside me was actually something evil like all had said. I begged and begged God to help me and as I came to the point where I was laying in a closet floor completely debiltiated, did I finally hit a point where I had to walk away from religion to save my own life. As many others on this forum have stated, with this horrid injury and pain, i did develop a new undestanding and compassion for others pain. The old me died that day on the closet floor but I'm daily working to build a new me that I am proud to be. In this process, I have had to cut off so many people in my life. I still get the "Christian beating" about how I should just pray all this away and how I somehow reaped this on myself for my own sins. It has been such an issue for me that religious topics are a full blow trigger for me. The bible promises that God wont put more than a person can bear on there shoulders but I and I'm sure many others did not find this to be a reality.

In this search for truth and understanding in my world, I have found many truths in other areas that I find to be so enlightening. I believe buddhist principals are very wise, I always wrote off astrology but after giving it an honest look has been creepily accurate in my case. My reality of trauma doesn't allow me to accept many of the teachings of the bible and current christianity. I'm left wondering that if there is a God, I have to assume he doesn't have nearly the envolvement in our day to day lives as most religious people think, and if people tend to make things more religous than they are. Had I believed this when I was sufferning my abuse, I believe that I would have been much less truamatized. Simply that this is just an unfair part of life rather than a punishment or abondonment of God would have been much less crushing for me psychologically. Sorry for the rant and vent, just didn't have anyone else to vent to. So appreciative of this forum.

 

[radicalgratitude]

Hello, BeatenMan, I am so sorry for all that you have been through. It sounds like you have gone through spiritual abuse as well as the other abuse that you have endured. That's awful. These so-called Christians have fed you so many lies about what "good Christians do."

Here's an article that you might find interesting: Link Removed. The lie that God won't give you more than you can handle fueled my anger at God.

 

[Bluerose]

BeatenMan,

My own personal belief is that it is possible to have God in your life without religion. A lot has been done in the world in the name of religion that has turned many, many people away from God.

Also in my own personal opinion, many people are choosing spirituality over religion - myself included. We spend most of our life listening to other people, and that’s okay while we are young, but there comes a time when we must take responsibility for our own life - our own thoughts, words and actions.

I’m so sorry for your pain - the pain other people’s views and opinions have caused you.

Sitting in meditation will help you reclaim responsibility for your own life. It will help you see that the only views and opinions that matter in your life are your own.

Stand tall and be strong.

Best wishes.

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear BeatenMan, I agree with radicalgratitude, spiritual abuse is terrible. Fundamentalist views in any religion are so damaging. There are so many loaded messages, and this thing that people do, interpreting our lives "on behalf of" a Creator and claiming to be spokesperson for what the "Creator intended", it just leaves me cold.

Bluerose also raises a wonderful concept, that it is possible to know God without the trappings of religion.

I agree with you BeatenMan, many people seem to assume a much greater involvement of a God in our daily lives than perhaps is the case. They seem to need to believe in this omnipotent Being out there who will protect us if only we try to be deserving and good enough. That, in itself, is so divisive and exclusive (some can claim to be good enough to belong to the exclusive club, and point the finger at others who are not good enough).

I am beginning to think that perhaps God needs to be sought within ourselves, in quiet and mindful contemplation, with an attitude of loving kindness towards ourselves and all other living beings. With a lack of avarice and greed and with a humble heart.

 

[franciemarnie]

I struggled with my faith and to believe in the concepts of the religion I was brought up in for years, and felt that the fault lay within me in not viscerally believing some of the details of Truth given and experiencing the "peace that transcends understanding".

Then one day I realized the false reality given to me as true at an early age - having nothing to do with religion - had destroyed my life for the most part. So I began to acknowledge and trust my experience. I listen to others' experience and opinion of course. But I make the decision as to what is true for me. I do that for God now too - what is my actual experience? Are my prayers answered in some way? Does God intervene for say...the incested child as he supposedly does for the sparrow?

For me, God exists, but he is a mystery and I can live with that. Meditation is my connection.

 

[HelenB]

I am so sorry to hear the experiences you have been through. The "Chrisian beating" you talk about I find so heart wrenching. I believe that God is a God of love and grace and mercy, and that though He can not intervene and take all the hurt away, because we live in a fallen world he does understand 100%, and know for myself that the only thing which helps when I really come to that place is my faith in the fact that His word is true, and that His only option was to really take all the hurt, pain and sin on Himself when he bore it all on the cross. I cannot understand it all, and have had times of coming so honestly to God and screaming out "why" but the only peace I have ever found has been when I have really realised that He also is screaming out in pain for this fallen world, and really is there so much to bring comfort and that the cross is the one place where we can really find that grace, mercy, comfort and love.

The bible never says we will not go through suffering, but it says that God will be with us "through the valley of the shadow of death" and that his "rod and staff will comfort us" (psalm 33). I do believe that through Jesus He really is there and really can take all that on, if we will truly let Him.

I also find it very hard with Christians who just believe that a prayer is the answer and makes it all go away, but this is not reality and not the reality of the bible. The reality is that we will walk through the hard times, but He will be there. I am sure you know only too well the things Paul went through, that Stephen was stoned to death and the fact that Peter was actually crucified upside down for his faith. This in the worlds eyes is not just a simple answer to a faith prayer, but a living and dying reality, yet through it all there is the promise of a peace which passes all understanding, and I know that whatever I go through the most important thing for me has always been that I know God is there, and when I can find that, I know that the peace that brings is the is the only thing which means anything, and though it is still a journey, really do want to be able to learn to trust that more and more in every aspect f my life.

I am sorry if this feels like a long rant about Christianity, as I do try on this site to not go on too much about my faith as I really do not want to try and push it on anyone, but I did want to share with you the reality I know of the God of love and grace and mercy, which I know so well God to be, and the reality which I know I have found so well in Jesus and am so sorry seems to have been so badly portrayed by so many, who would claim to come in His name.


May God bless you in your journey.
Helen

 

[arfie]

Tragic stuff, BeatenMan, whatever Ism is inscribed on the faith bashing club. My own father's faith bashing club had two faces: atheism and paganism. Whatever ism used to bash a child's faith, the results are devastating. To this day I cannot hear an atheist center quote without flashbacks. I attended a drum circle once. Needed weeks to recover.

But still I need SOMETHING to get me through those days when I have zero physical proof that anything will be okay. Faith is the only thing I have found for the assist to keep going in the absence of proof. I strive to keep my Faith fluid and as word/label free as possible. I strive to live in Faith more often than I speak OF Faith. The powers that be don't use words to comfort me, anyway. Just me. Strictly personal.

Gentle hugs, BeatenMan. May you find your inner peace.

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

I have so much to say on this topic it's hard to know where to start, that might be useful to you. I was raised so deeply in a religious tradition I felt I didn't ever have my own choice. I came to feel that was wrong... That it started too early and too maturely for a child's mind and emotional development.

Due to the warping of my instincts by trauma and cumulative emotional neglect, I came to the point that I no longer trusted anything to do with the religion itself and had to break away for my own sanity.... In a way it was own personal first step toward grounding. And it took place long long before I was aware of PTSD or dissociation.

You aren't alone. It is an intense recovery in itself to move toward post theism from any culture of religion. You are so brave for recognizing what you need for your own health and taking these steps

 

[Annie B]

I'm so sorry that life has been rough on you! I hope that you can find something (doesn't necessarily have to be religion) to help you cope with the emptiness you feel. Spirituality is such a personal and intimate thing, and when we are injured on that level it can be incredibly hard to recover. And it's even worse to use spirituality as an excuse to abuse or destroy another person. I believe in a more loving and forgiving God than that. His people are so rotten sometimes.

If the teachings you were taught just dont feel right, go with that feeling. If finding a religion that does feel right is what you really want to do, do some research. There are a lot of conflicting doctrines out there, and there is a lot of hypocrisy. Go with your heart, not with other people. People are flawed and faulty and sometimes say the right things but simply do not practice what they preach. If doing your own thing apart from organized religion feels right, do that!

In my case, religion saved my family. It changed the foundation and dynamic and taught my parents how to treat each other properly, as well as gave them motivation to kick substance abuse issues. It wasn't a quick fix and it took work but it helped my abuser change and improve herself within the limits of what was possible (she has a personality diaorder). I'm not saying I have the answer, i'm saying that "truth" can take on a lot of different meanings/forms depending on our experiences.

I know that my beliefs seem stupid to other people and that they can't be proved to be 100% true, no one can actually know that! And just because it worked for me doesn't mean it will work for you. My point is, trust your heart on spiritual matters (not your upbringing) and just try to be a good person according to what your definition of "good" is.

You can find peace within yourself, I know you can! Good luck and know you're not alone out there. I'm referring to other ptsd sufferers, not God. ;)

 

[WillyKat]

I don't see anything incompatible between being a Christian and leaving the church, separating from certain people, etc. Christ, from what I hear, was a Jew, not a Christian. He didn't use a club on people; just spoke. Hell, he didn't even found the church that bears his name or write the Bible.

Don't let mere mortals define what is and is not a "good" Christian or a good person. If I understand correctly, that judgement is reserved for someone else at a later time. Do good deeds for others, do good deeds for yourself, and don't stress about it. (Just for laughs, check out the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster on the web.)

One of the awful things about PTSD and lots of other disorders is the poisonous narrative that runs in our head: "you're bad if you do a,b, and c, and only good if x, y, and z." It's a poison that circulates in our brains and must be fought.

When I was in high school in the late 70s, there was a religious revival around the US. Lots of my friends and acquaintances became "born again" Christians. They expected me to join in and when I didn't, brought out their "club" as you called it. One said something to the effect of "riding me down" on Judgement Day. Well, that just drove me further away. (Side note: a popular bumper sticker of those times read "I Found It". One day, I nearly drove off the road laughing so hard when I saw one that read: "I Stepped In It.")

At one point, I actually looked into it to see if there was anything in me that responded. Nothing did. Up until several months ago, I think I could say there wasn't a spiritual bone in my body. That's not quite the case any more, but that's another story.

 

[Badger]

I can't imagine anyone with PTSD who would be able to truly love a religion where fear of going to hell is supposed to be the primary motivation for belief. Some Christian sects are like that. Beatenman, does this sound familiar? Because that is reinforcement of trauma. It's bullying plain and simple. It also a removal of your freewill, quite similar to what happens to abuse victims in abusive relationships. "God/dess" if thats what you believe in, doesn't stand as a judge over you. Your love should be the primary reason to follow the belief's and creeds of a faith. Not shame. Not fear. And any love worth it's salt is unconditional or it's not real love. I wouldn't doom my 7 year old child to the lake of fire if she screwed up. I love her unconditionally. That's what a loving God/dess is. That is divine energy. Anything else isn't.