Starting To Remember Details Of Trauma(s)

[canucklady]

My T says this shows signs of getting better because I am remembering more details of trauma with ex-boyfriend. Except I am also remembering stuff from chldhood which I am not quite sure if it is real or not. My T tells me doesn't matter if it is real, it only matters the feelings around the memories. I don't know. This is all so confusing.

Plus ex-boyfriend's sister contacted me last week because ex wants to make amends since he is in some recovery program now. That just caused me to get triggered all over again and the details of what he did, feels like am reliving it again.

So am stuck between dissociating the whole thing where dont feel anything and am robot, which happens for awhile and then feel all these terrified feeling like I am drowning.

I don't know what am trying to say her...guess trying to make sense of all this, but not really succeeding.

 

[tiredmomma]

Hello,

Your post caught my eye because I am in the same state - starting to remember details of traumas. Or at least I was, not that long ago. When I started remembering bits and pieces - like you, things that I was sure of, and things I was not so sure of. The strange thing about older memories, like those from our childhood, is that your body - your physical self - tends to remember and retain more so than your mind - probably because you're mind was detached and hiding during the traumas. The physical feelings - sickness, dissociation, falling, drowning, suffocating etc. - are often set off by triggers even though our minds cannot tell us why this stimulus upsets us.

Bless our brains for protecting us from what we cannot handle - I know we curse them for hiding the truth, but it really is a blessing, and we know that too I think.
It took me a long time to stop searching, stop straining to know the absolute truth. But I did. And I think it was the best choice. You have to decide - the importance of letting go and living your life now, or knowing the truth whatever the cost. Often there is no real memory left, and people must search for clues in their past - other things that when we think back do not make sense...

I have to disagree with your T, I think it probably matters a great deal to you whether your past feelings reflect truth or not. I know it did to me. That said, I had to be at peace with partial knowledge of my past and not absolute knowing.

It took me a long time to accept and trust my body's truths. And even longer to accept that I would not remember in stark detail things that happened. But now I am thankful. I believe that things come out in bits and pieces so that we can learn to live with them a little at a time - it is easier that way, and better (though frustrating).

I dissociate still and I don't like it - you end up not using all your full faculties to make decisions often making only the choices to avoid more pain. But pain is an important stimulus - it warns of danger and helps us heal.

Remember to breathe - deep and slow - you are not drowning and when you start to feel like a robot, it's time to do something calm, relaxing and which brings you back - a brisk walk or a hot shower, whatever works for you.

Hope that helps some.

Erin :smile:

 

[canucklady]

Thank you Erin for your post, it does help that I am not alone in feeling this way. It is very frustrating not knowing the whole picture and getting bits and pieces and wondering is that true or am I just going crazy. I suppose it is all part of PTSD as well....denial and pretending that everything is ok, until it is safe enough to know the truth. I know I just have to accept and move on, the question is how do I move on when keep getting pulled back into the past.