A question about details and therapy

[oakleaves]

I'm sorry that happened to you. The sad reality is that this was a violation of your body and it can't be minimized. Details in any form are ugly feeling but please don't minimize the impact this event had in your life bc you compare it to other stories. It's horrific on its own. I am really sorry.

Thank you for saying you are sorry. And yes it has had an impact. My husband said the other day that it must have felt as though I had gone from one scary situation to another (from chaos at home to this) and he was right. And I think that is also what adds to the horror of it for me. Like that vulnerability was really exploited and it is awful. I know it is worse for others but I can still feel sad for me.
I have a lot of stuff going on in my life at the moment that is making it harder to stay with this stuff (it would be so easy to just dismiss it and tell myself that I am being punished for talking because it feels as though I am) but I am trying to give this part of me space. It used to be so hard to write about it as well as to talk but increasingly I am writing and then talking in bits. Thank you for listening.

 

[somerandomguy]

I feel like I don't want my words to hurt her or to leave her with images that she can't get rid of for the rest of her life.

From your description of her, this isn't going to happen. She's already hinted to you that she's heard some pretty terrible things from other clients.

BUT she is a good T as I say she is very boundaried, experienced and she is deliberately very calm and not unempathic but not overly affected by things

Excellent. That is exactly the kind of person you need to feel safety when you tell her these things.

Because you're safe, and it IS ok to tell her.

 

[oakleaves]

Thanks for asking this question. The answers helped me. I am totally with you on being unable to talk about details....I think you were brave to post what you did so clearly.

Thank you so much for saying that. I am really glad that by asking the question it has helped someone else.

 

[Starfire]

Details, as you described, are too upsetting to talk about out loud. My T says every detail is not necessary. When there are details we want to talk about or think he should know, we do exactly what you did.....write it out & give it to T. If both of us agree it needs to be talked about more, we are not starting from zero. T can help us move forward more easily. If not, T has the true picture of exactly what happened. Take care of yourself.

 

[oakleaves]

Oh my goodness I told her

I told her that he would put things in my mouth and that this was the worst part for me.

I am broken. I am so f*cked. I can't breathe.

But she said she is not disgusted by me. She said not at all. She said it is ok.

I can't believe I said those words. I feel so scared.

 

[Rumors]

Oh my goodness I told her

I told her that he would put things in my mouth and that this was the worst part for me.

I am broken. I am so f*cked. I can't breathe.

But she said she is not disgusted by me. She said not at all. She said it is ok.

I can't believe I said those words. I feel so scared.

Hey, sending you loads of support right now. I have had the very same feelings after divulging something so disgusting. I promise you that it is ok and it will be ok. Breathe...

 

[Friday]

I’m not disgusted by you, either.

Well done on telling her.

Doing the right thing rarely feels right. It usually feels like hell. That doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing, just because it was hard & painful. You did good. Even if it doesn’t feel that way, right now.

 

[The Albatross]

Relate to putting things in your mouth. Glad you gave it a voice. What Friday said. Do take care, and remember that the reaction to what you shared wasn't disgust.

 

[oakleaves]

Hey, sending you loads of support right now. I have had the very same feelings after divulging something so disgusting. I promise you that it is ok and it will be ok. Breathe...

Thank you so much. I feel so scared. I desperately want to see my T again (obviously I can't till the next appt) and I know I need to tolerate this myself now. Thank you. It is so horrible.

I’m not disgusted by you, either.

Well done on telling her.

Doing the right thing rarely feels right. It usually feels like hell. That doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing, just because it was hard & painful. You did good. Even if it doesn’t feel that way, right now.

Thank you. I keep thinking I need to make sure she knows what I meant. It feels so awful I can actually feel my skin crawling. Not a metaphor. I need (sorry so sorry) to make sure she knows what he put in my mouth but she is not stupid I am sure she knows. I can't feel like this knowing I've said it but not knowing for sure that she knows what I mean.

She said she wasn't disgusted with me. She was kind even after I said it.

I am so scared. I just need to remember that whatever happens I haven't made it happen because of this. I am not that powerful. I have really bad intrusive ocd beliefs about what will happen when I talk but even if it does it doesn't mean I made it happen.

She was kind. You are all being kind.

Relate to putting things in your mouth. Glad you gave it a voice. What Friday said. Do take care, and remember that the reaction to what you shared wasn't disgust.

Thank you. It wasn't disgust. It wasn't. She was so kind. I was overwhelmed and I am still overwhelmed and it keeps coming back flooding me but the reaction wasn't disgust. I looked at her afterwards. I made myself look at her.

 

[oakleaves]

Uuuuugh I need to write this down somewhere where people can see it so that I know people know. Please tell me if you read this and are disgusted.

I can't think. I don't want to eat.

His fingers and his penis. In my mouth.

 

[Friday]

Not only not disgusted... but something you might like... you know every single cell in the body is replaced about every 7 years? And some areas -like mouths, and other epithelial cells- much much faster. So if it’s been 7 years?

Not a single cell in your body today was touched by him. Not one. :sneaky: You have a whole new mouth.

But even if he raped you yesterday? I’d still kiss you or share lollipops without second thought. Because what he did was disgusting. You are not disgusting, and never have been.

 

[oakleaves]

Not only not disgusted... but something you might like... you know every single cell in the body is replaced about every 7 years? And some areas -like mouths, and other epithelial cells- much much faster. So if it’s been 7 years?

Not a single cell in your body today was touched by him. Not one. :sneaky: You have a whole new mouth.

But even if he raped you yesterday? I’d still kiss you or share lollipops without second thought. Because what he did was disgusting. You are not disgusting, and never have been.

I did not know that fact actually. Wow.

Thank you so much.
I keep replaying it in my mind. I really need to stop.
Thank you for being so kind.