"staying In Your Head" Coping Skill

[WillowMarie]

I was wondering if others find themselves using this coping skill.

I was reading the book Homecoming and when I read about this, I was like, oh my gosh, that is soooooo me! The author was saying how people who grew up in unpredictable environments, that they use the coping skill of "staying in their head."

"One way adult children avoid their legitimate suffering is staying in their heads. This involves obsessing about things, analyzing, discussing, reading, and spending lots of energy in trying to figure things out."


"What resulted was confusion and unpredictability." "This unpredictability caused your continual need to figure things out."

"Staying in one's head is also an ego defense. By obsessing on things, one does not have to feel."


I think I am the queen of obsessing, analyzing, reading and spending a lot of energy doing these things. I have a tendency to talk more about why I think I reacted some way, giving all these theories about why I might have been triggered or why I was affected by it, than talking and working through the feelings I experienced. I have spent hours researching articles about childhood trauma. Hours going over my diaries and trying to pick up any clues I may have missed.

 

[RussH]

I think I may do this to some degree.

 

[Muzikluvr]

You. I came here to write about the gap between my aspiring beliefs and what I actually do in life. My aspirations are high, I have a high sense of morality and a high sense of responsibility... but, I spend my entire day on the internet reading and writing and thinking about a society that should/could behave in accordance with those aspirations. I was reading Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown this morning and realized that I'm not "Minding the Gap" and that the gap has become so large that I am completely neglecting all the things I value.

Part of the reason is that I'm terrified to be lost or clueless... which I often feel in family situations. When my family is playing together, I fade away... just as I did when I was a kid. Forced by a bully at first, but then.. comfortable on the edge... not expected to contribute, not made fun of for learning something for the first time.

And, here I find your thread... and I have to say, it appears to be spot on. Another defense against vulnerability.

Thank you for posting about it!

 

[Fallen Angel]

....Or you can also enter the psychology field and live your life figuring things out day in and day out to avoid "feeling." Thank you for posting about this. I notice that the more trauma I endure (as my trauma seems to pile on. I'm still trying to figure out a way to stop the cycle), the more time I spend at work. The more I want to avoid the grief, the more I immerse myself in books.

I've switched from reading fiction and getting lost in the world of fantasy to reading numerous books written by psychiatrists, psychologists, or self-help books.

Interestingly, I find that I tend to shy away from one on one time with my patients during periods of depression. I prefer immersing myself in data work and analysis instead. (Thank goodness I am a part of a clinical team!) Yet another sign of feeling avoidance.

Ironically, I am reading a book by Sark called "Glad No Matter What." She says that once we start acknowledging our feelings then they can start flowing and transforming to something more positive. This is hard for most of us because we typically use coping skills instead especially when the feelings are negative. She calls it the "raccoon effect." We hold the feelings like a raccoon in our tiny little hands and turn it over and over again and obsess over it until there is no more room for other feelings to come through.

I know I have a lot of work to do. Acknowledging my feelings instead of using so many coping skills or automatically saying, "I'm fine" might be a start.

Thanks again for bringing this topic up.

 

[Notsowild]

Yes thank you @WillowMarie for this thread. "Staying in your head" is definitely me

Actually "Living" in my head is also me. Somedays I don't know how I do it. I have to remember to do the grounding techniques especially when driving. I stay like this all day long even at work. And of course nighttime is the hardest. Trying to shut off my brain and get some sleep!!!

 

[Eleanor]

Guilty. Totally me.
Also in order to NOT feel stuff when I am overwhelmed my preferred coping strategy is to immerse myself in a book or tv (series on netflix!) until I build up enough psychic energy to mash all the stuff down and come out "calm" again. I hadn't thought of this as a coping strategy (just one of those "things I do") until I read about someone else who did Exactly The Same Thing in the Childhood Emotional Neglect book.

So, it is more checking in with my feelings for me, I guess.

 

[franciemarnie]

I think also the reason at least I stayed in my head was because everyone denied the reality of what was going on and saying the truth was harshly punished (and still denied) so I was left trying to figure out reality alone. I think our brains would give us this sense of very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance between experienced reality and the one insisted upon by those we lived with. When no action can be taken or is allowed, all that is left is our poor little heads taking action inside our heads. It's a paradigm that can take a lifetime to change.

 

[WillyKat]

Wow, another book I need to read. Thanks Willowmarie.

And yes, I do / have done that too. It's crazy making. It's like making a different reality inside your head, one that isn't real and frankly isn't all that great either.

 

[Rumors]

Who is the author???

 

[WillowMarie]

Ironically, I am reading a book by Sark called "Glad No Matter What." She says that once we start acknowledging our feelings then they can start flowing and transforming to something more positive. This is hard for most of us because we typically use coping skills instead especially when the feelings are negative. She calls it the "raccoon effect." We hold the feelings like a raccoon in our tiny little hands and turn it over and over again and obsess over it until there is no more room for other feelings to come through.

I know I have a lot of work to do. Acknowledging my feelings instead of using so many coping skills or automatically saying, "I'm fine" might be a start.

The start flowing part is super scary though... The "raccoon effect", interesting.

I also do the, "I'm fine." It is just easier and you don't have to worry about people not understanding or caring.

Actually "Living" in my head is also me.

What do you mean by living in your head? You mean dissociating and not staying in the moment?

 

[WillowMarie]

Also in order to NOT feel stuff when I am overwhelmed my preferred coping strategy is to immerse myself in a book or tv (series on netflix!) until I build up enough psychic energy to mash all the stuff down and come out "calm" again. I hadn't thought of this as a coping strategy (just one of those "things I do") until I read about someone else who did Exactly The Same Thing in the Childhood Emotional Neglect book.

Which book was this?

I have done this, too, to help distract myself. Although sometimes I totally zone out and don't even remember what I just watched...

I think also the reason at least I stayed in my head was because everyone denied the reality of what was going on and saying the truth was harshly punished (and still denied) so I was left trying to figure out reality alone. I think our brains would give us this sense of very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance between experienced reality and the one insisted upon by those we lived with. When no action can be taken or is allowed, all that is left is our poor little heads taking action inside our heads. It's a paradigm that can take a lifetime to change.

That's really interesting. That makes sense, too. I don't remember much, but I know that there was minimizing/denial in my family as well. If I was open to emotions today, I would say it makes me angry that you and I had to deal with that, but I am feeling exhausted right now. It makes me angry any child would have to go through that and try to make sense and rationalize it.

 

[WillowMarie]

Who is the author???

John Bradshaw