Still can't work - having a hard time talking about it with pdoc/t - considering disability - help

[bhm]

Don't be so hard on yourself, we can't control how we react or respond to incidents and just because someone pushed you to a certain point doesn't mean you're f*cked up, if anything I'd be tempted to say it's the other way around, it's lucky, sounds like you have a good doc, all they are saying is from experience it could take several years or more to move past the abuse but who knows? If you have good therapists and dive into recovery your resiliance could ramp up and be back to yourself in a reasonably short period of time, it must feel good tho that someone is on your side and understands you need time to heal, I hope you can find some peace and wish you luck on your journey :) high fives! ?

 

[SeedMan]

Lol, interesting this thread got bumped today.

Today I met with my pdoc and she recommended that I go on disability - I didn't even have to bring it up to her! What a f*cking relief. It's really reassuring to have her approach the subject with me in a way that it was like she was trying to convince me to go do it.

My "homework" this week is to get started on the disability paperwork.

It was disconcerting for me, though, to hear her talk about it as if I was going to need it for several years at the least though... Like, in a "holy f*ck am I really that f*cked up?" kind of way. Like a "I really want to keep acting like I'll be over everything in 6 months like I've been wanting to believe this whole time" kind of thing.

Ugh.

It was also slightly depressing that she said that I definitely fit all of the criteria for disability :( - she said that she didn't think I'd need a disability lawyer, which kinda makes me wanna go "wow I'm f*cked up!" It's hard to believe even though like... how can I f*cking deny the facts?

I'm both relieved and kinda just... I don't know. In disbelief that I'm f*cked up enough for this? Wanting to be in denial of the fact I can't just go back to normal life yet?

It's just... why? Like f*ck. I wish I had seen this coming, I wish I had realized, during my trauma, that it -was- trauma, and I wish I knew what the potential effects of trauma were. Feeling really like, self-blamey tonight - blaming myself for not removing myself from that horrible situation sooner. I feel like such a f*cking idiot.

It's kind of ironic that I've been trying to steel myself for telling her I want to try getting disability, and she went and brought the subject up herself, wanting me to go do it, saying I could easily get it - and now I'm like, feeling bad that things are that bad now? It's like my little glimmer of "I'll get over this soon enough, I'm not -that- f*cked up" is being snuffed out, and it's kind of hitting me that I'm actually sort of f*cked.

She did make me feel better saying that I started treatment early so I have better chances of recovery - but yeah... lots of trauma to work through. It was kind of sad to have the phrase "a few years" dropped, referring to when I might be able to start working again, probably a more realistic amount of time than what I've been hoping - and she's very realistic so, her saying that to me is like... shit... I want to say "no f*cking way" but I know that she's not f*cking around. She's also been at this for a while and has seen many other patients. I can't be the first person she had that conversation with.

I guess now I have to work up the drive to go google what documents I need.

Also I want to add:

F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK!!!!!!!!!!

I don't blame you one bit for blanket-bombing f-bombs. I'm actually glad for you in that it shows you've got a lot of fight in you instead of falling into despair and helplessness. I encourage you to direct your fighting spirit, not in blame toward yourself for not knowing what you didn't know 'til you knew it, but toward the tasks at hand. I see by your line about googling what documents you need, you're taking initiative. Good for you.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I'm gonna update:

I have the forms filled out. The disability forms. It's hard when people ask what I do - I imagine it's going to be harder once I'm on disability. It sucks. I don't even know what to say - because I don't do anything. I can't f*cking work.

Anyway...

Now I just have to wait for Monday to call them and set up an appointment or some shit. I dunno. I just will call them and see what they say. But, the paperwork is all complete, as best as I can complete it.

My pdoc says that I'm gonna get it, easily - that I definitely qualify.

While on the one hand, I wish I had applied months ago... on the other hand, I just got diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder - which she told me to put at the top of the list, above PTSD, even though it's my PTSD/Panic Disorder/sleep problem diagnosis that I forget the name of, that's disabling me the most.

I thought that was interesting.

Though I must say, when I am manic, I am at my most disabled. Easily. I needed like, to make plans for the next day, the day before. I had a lot of get up and go, but no focus, I was all over the f*cking place, going off on tangents, just... it's f*cking embarrassing. It's embarrassing to need to have a list for needing to get ONE OR TWO f*cking items at a store. ONE OR TWO!!! Like DAMN!

WTF!

I hate that shit. The most f*cked part of it for me was how understanding the clerk was - it's like, f*ck.

I went into this store to get two things. Fish oil pills, and this b vitamin shit. They didn't have the B vitamin stuff. They did have the fish oil pills though - but there were so many bottles, there was too much information for me to take in, and I was like 500% squirrelbrained. f*cking like, wew.....

Someone who worked there approached me and asked if I needed any help finding anything, or whatever standard greeting like that - I said "oh - yeah actually. I'm looking for uhhh..." then I had to literally f*cking pull out the piece of paper with the two f*cking things I needed written on it. I couldn't even remember what I came there for... like.... f*ck dude. That's so f*cked. I had to f*cking read out what I needed there, on a note, because I was too scatterbrained to even think of why I was there, I just knew I needed some shit there.

It was like that at the grocery stores too, I just have more familiarity, and could cross shit off the list.

Gaaaahhh.

I hate this shit. I hate being disabled - I hate even saying that I am disabled. But f*cking hell. This shit f*cking sucks, I want to work, I want to have a career again, I want to do shit, I'm only f*cking 29 for f*cks sake. RRRGH! I hate saying it, but I can't f*cking function on a normal level. I can barely even manage going to band practice sometimes. I sure as shit couldn't do my old job. I can't even sleep a regular f*cking schedule.

But enough whining. Enough venting. Ugh. Oh well. At least my pdoc thinks I have a good chance for recovery in regards to my PTSD, and I think that my bipolar is pretty manageable now that I know about it, as long as I track my sleep and try to notice upcycling, then start taking zyprexa for a week or so lol.

---

Do they let you do university while getting disability income? Is there any way I could like, f*ckin' go for a masters/PhD. while on disability?

 

[EveHarrington]

You could probably start a degree when on disability, but when you come up for review every so often they will see that you are functional (on a certain level) and this will play into their decision as to whether or not continue your disability.

 

[Sweetleaf]

You could probably start a degree when on disability, but when you come up for review every so often they will see that you are functional (on a certain level) and this will play into their decision as to whether or not continue your disability.

At the present time I know I couldn't handle it, but I'm just thinking about the future. Thanks for the info.

 

[blackemerald1]

You will settle down @Sweetleaf - I mean it's all new to you isn't it? And it is a complete disruption from where you thought your life and career was going... so be a little more tolerant of yourself right now.

Making a list of what you need to get when it comes to Vitamins etc., isn't a bad thing. And when there are thousands of like labelled products all over the shop - it is actually a sensible thing to do.

The shop assistant probably thought you had 15 things on the list eg. butcher, supermarket, green groceries etc., Honestly, they were probably more relieved that you were the ONE customer they had that day that actually knew the name of what they were looking for!

You will find the 'sweet-spot' no pun intended - now that you have your diagnosis and once you know that financially you are going to be relatively stable for a while.

One day at a time :hug:

 

[Nessa7]

Do they let you do university while getting disability income? Is there any way I could like, f*ckin' go for a masters/PhD. while on disability?

You might be able to take classes as part of a Ticket to Work program or a similar local program. Those programs will usually delay reviews while you're in them. The rules change often enough that it might not be worth worrying about much now if it isn't something that you would be planning to do within a few years.

 

[Survivor3]

I'm gonna update:

I have the forms filled out. The disability forms. It's hard when people ask what I do - I imagine it's going to be harder once I'm on disability. It sucks. I don't even know what to say - because I don't do anything. I can't f*cking work.

Anyway...

Now I just have to wait for Monday to call them and set up an appointment or some shit. I dunno. I just will call them and see what they say. But, the paperwork is all complete, as best as I can complete it.

My pdoc says that I'm gonna get it, easily - that I definitely qualify.

While on the one hand, I wish I had applied months ago... on the other hand, I just got diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder - which she told me to put at the top of the list, above PTSD, even though it's my PTSD/Panic Disorder/sleep problem diagnosis that I forget the name of, that's disabling me the most.

I thought that was interesting.

Though I must say, when I am manic, I am at my most disabled. Easily. I needed like, to make plans for the next day, the day before. I had a lot of get up and go, but no focus, I was all over the f*cking place, going off on tangents, just... it's f*cking embarrassing. It's embarrassing to need to have a list for needing to get ONE OR TWO f*cking items at a store. ONE OR TWO!!! Like DAMN!

WTF!

I hate that shit. The most f*cked part of it for me was how understanding the clerk was - it's like, f*ck.

I went into this store to get two things. Fish oil pills, and this b vitamin shit. They didn't have the B vitamin stuff. They did have the fish oil pills though - but there were so many bottles, there was too much information for me to take in, and I was like 500% squirrelbrained. f*cking like, wew.....

Someone who worked there approached me and asked if I needed any help finding anything, or whatever standard greeting like that - I said "oh - yeah actually. I'm looking for uhhh..." then I had to literally f*cking pull out the piece of paper with the two f*cking things I needed written on it. I couldn't even remember what I came there for... like.... f*ck dude. That's so f*cked. I had to f*cking read out what I needed there, on a note, because I was too scatterbrained to even think of why I was there, I just knew I needed some shit there.

It was like that at the grocery stores too, I just have more familiarity, and could cross shit off the list.

Gaaaahhh.

I hate this shit. I hate being disabled - I hate even saying that I am disabled. But f*cking hell. This shit f*cking sucks, I want to work, I want to have a career again, I want to do shit, I'm only f*cking 29 for f*cks sake. RRRGH! I hate saying it, but I can't f*cking function on a normal level. I can barely even manage going to band practice sometimes. I sure as shit couldn't do my old job. I can't even sleep a regular f*cking schedule.

But enough whining. Enough venting. Ugh. Oh well. At least my pdoc thinks I have a good chance for recovery in regards to my PTSD, and I think that my bipolar is pretty manageable now that I know about it, as long as I track my sleep and try to notice upcycling, then start taking zyprexa for a week or so lol.

---

Do they let you do university while getting disability income? Is there any way I could like, f*ckin' go for a masters/PhD. while on disability?

I don't know which country your in but they usually say you can do up to 16hrs per week. Above that they might say that your fit for work. Or don't tell them!

 

[Sweetleaf]

So, I have finally turned in the initial paperwork.

I feel like I accomplished something, even though it took me forever. I wish I did it sooner, but at least it's started.

The lady was like "at least you are young" and I was like "yeah hopefully i won't need this for too long" - I had a lot of like, shame/disappointment-at-myself in my voice. She was very nice though, positive attitude. I was shy about it

I have a phone appointment later this month (nervous about that already), and I have this form to fill out and mail back to them - this paperwork going over my functionality, I guess. I have looked through it and filled out things like my name, etc. I've looked up what you're supposed to say when you fill it out, but, I don't even know what to write.

I'm so damn wordy and there's so little space, and I have 4 friggin conditions that are making me disabled right now (maybe more that I haven't found out about yet, who knows ugh) - hard to be succinct. So I am waiting to write down answers until I figure out how to put things right.

I have looked up tips and pointers on google but, do you guys have any more PTSD specific advice in regards to filling out that sort of paperwork?

I have listed on there: Bipolar 1, PTSD, panic disorder, and disturbed sleep pattern as my diagnoses making me disabled. My bipolar mania is very severe, it'd be catastropic levels and even become outright psychotic if left unchecked, without help, without meds, without safety nets. Which sucks to think about because that shit is lifelong, though at least now I know about it.

So if you have any pointers in regards to filling out those forms and stuff, in regards to bipolar 1/panic disorder/sleep problems that'd be welcome too.

This might need its own thread since this one is old and the title doesn't apply to this question really but...

Anybody have tips? Experiences? Etc.?

I'm like, nervous about what to write. Lol. How to word shit.

 

[blackemerald1]

Could you ask your pysdoc or T or GP to help with this. They could fill it out while you are with them or take it and fill it out and send it back to you or send it directly into the relevant dept. (Ask them to take a photocopy and email it to you so you have a record) in case it gets lost etc., They might ask you a few questions about things but I'm sure they would have a good idea of what the authorities are needing to see.

Keep records of all of your forms and reports. I take photos and email them to myself.

Well done for getting the disability forms submitted. :hug:

I know it is uncomfortable submitting forms about yourself but fair go here.... that's what taxes get paid for. I hope the lady didn't make it harder than it already was bc that wouldn't be fair at all.

It is your right to be cared for and provision to be given to you. When you are able and ready you will leap back into study or the workforce and do whatever you can. Till then take time out to get your illnesses under control and sort out what the next step for you is.

 

[Survivor3]

So, I have finally turned in the initial paperwork.

I feel like I accomplished something, even though it took me forever. I wish I did it sooner, but at least it's started.

The lady was like "at least you are young" and I was like "yeah hopefully i won't need this for too long" - I had a lot of like, shame/disappointment-at-myself in my voice. She was very nice though, positive attitude. I was shy about it

I have a phone appointment later this month (nervous about that already), and I have this form to fill out and mail back to them - this paperwork going over my functionality, I guess. I have looked through it and filled out things like my name, etc. I've looked up what you're supposed to say when you fill it out, but, I don't even know what to write.

I'm so damn wordy and there's so little space, and I have 4 friggin conditions that are making me disabled right now (maybe more that I haven't found out about yet, who knows ugh) - hard to be succinct. So I am waiting to write down answers until I figure out how to put things right.

I have looked up tips and pointers on google but, do you guys have any more PTSD specific advice in regards to filling out that sort of paperwork?

I have listed on there: Bipolar 1, PTSD, panic disorder, and disturbed sleep pattern as my diagnoses making me disabled. My bipolar mania is very severe, it'd be catastropic levels and even become outright psychotic if left unchecked, without help, without meds, without safety nets. Which sucks to think about because that shit is lifelong, though at least now I know about it.

So if you have any pointers in regards to filling out those forms and stuff, in regards to bipolar 1/panic disorder/sleep problems that'd be welcome too.

This might need its own thread since this one is old and the title doesn't apply to this question really but...

Anybody have tips? Experiences? Etc.?

I'm like, nervous about what to write. Lol. How to word shit.

Citizens advice bureau can help with disability forms.

 

[Mr Man]

I would second Citizens advice bureau.

I've been recovering from trauma, and I was told (and found it to be true) that I would not respond to talking therapies (CBT or ERDM)
unless I was not agitated. So I had to stop working (I paid someone to run my business). Only just started getting back to it, but it took me way longer than expected, probably because I didn't down tools soon enough. Best of luck, sounds like youre doing the right thing.