Still Feel Like A Child Inside

[Mit]

During a recent period of intense anxiety, which lasted a weekend, I left my family and went for a walk alone. I was struggling with feelings of terror and sadness and felt close to breaking down. I thought a walk and fresh air might help me calm down.

During the walk I repeatedly broke down and wept, and the negative feelings seemed to get worse. At some point I cried out 'what is wrong with me, I am a grown man'. My minds response was 'but I don't feel like a grown man, I feel like a child'. As I tried to explore these emotions I realised this was true, that inside I still felt like the small boy who experienced frightening and traumatising experiences throughout his entire childhood. It seemed to me that one of the sources of my anxiety was trying to cope with adult life and responsibilities (such as being a parent, holding down a job, paying the mortgage..) when I didn't feel like an adult at all, so it all feels very frightening. I sometimes feel as though I am still a child inside, frozen in time. I also feel like I am losing my marbles..

I also noticed a consistent feeling from when I was a child of not being 'comforted' and a desire to be comforted now, as if I was still that child. A need to be held, hugged and told it would be ok, is still with me it seems. Thinking about it and writing this triggers tears and a sense of loss and yearning for comfort in me. It is strange and upsetting.

I wonder if anyone else has feelings like this, or any thoughts about it. Is there something to it? Is it something that might be useful to explore in therapy. I'd be grateful for any thoughts or comments.

Mit

 

[Ellabella44]

yep , grown 44 year old woman, needs her stuffed kitty and a puppy blankie.... while having a daily hiding session to feel safe. This stuff happened in childhood, thats why the need to feel safe and comfort in kid mode, but in an environment where you are safe from what gave you the trauma.

 

[scout86]

As I tried to explore these emotions

I'd say that being willing to explore emotions is pretty brave!

Personally, I don't experience a desire to be comforted as much as a wish there was a point to the desire. But, I think what you're experiencing IS what people experience when they've been traumatized and those needs for safety, reassurance, and comfort haven't been met. My T says that during childhood trauma (maybe all trauma) "parts" of us kind of get left behind and that it's important to reconnect with them. (Not "parts" in the DID sense, necessarily.)

 

[jaccat]

Do you know much about transactional analysis? My T talks about it a lot. The basis for it is that there are three differents 'selfs' inside each of us: an adult self, a child self, and a parent self. Basically it works along the idea that our different selves respond to different situations, and how 'healthy' those selves are depend upon our pasts. So if you are feeling like a child it could be your child self is upset for whatever reason and calling out to be comforted. My T at this point would say now your adult self has recognised that, you, or rather your adult self can try to comfort that child part of you. It could be as simple as treating yourself to a bar of chocolate, or curling up with a pet. But recognise what you are doing.

It's a bit hard to explain (and I'm no expert). It's also not an easy thing to do, if your not in the right frame of mind, but perhaps it helps make sense why you're experiencing what you are.

 

[Hope4Now]

Is there something to it? Is it something that might be useful to explore in therapy. I'd be grateful for any thoughts or comments.

Yes, there's something to it. It's exactly how I feel most of the time. Like a small child trying to live an adult life and do all the stuff I'm supposed to do when what I really need is to be comforted and protected. It's definitely something to explore in therapy. That's easy for me to say because I have a very hard time bringing up these feelings with my therapist. I have a lot of fear and shame about feeling this way. Mostly I shut it down, but I seem increasingly less able to do that as time goes on.

My T at this point would say now your adult self has recognised that, you, or rather your adult self can try to comfort that child part of you

I get this intellectually. It makes sense theoretically. I just seem to be completely incapable of doing it. Nothing works. I suppose my parent part is pretty messed up too. Which cycles things back to the fear and panic and yearning of the upset child parts all over again. Very odd, given that I am a very loving, gentle and decent parent in real life.

 

[Nam]

I get this intellectually. It makes sense theoretically. I just seem to be completely incapable of doing it. Nothing works. I suppose my parent part is pretty messed up too.

I'm just like this. But I think about it a little further. Why don't I accept the comfort? ..and for me it's because I think I don't deserve it. When people are kind to me in a selfless way, it hurts me. It brings emotions to the surface that I would just rather it stay down. I'm sure it's connected to the feeling of self-hatred but it's a less violent version of that. It's like the child version of it.

@Mit Acknowledging the child is a great step forward. It's obvious that the child wants to be heard. Go ahead and hear what he has to say. (I understand that this sounds like all kinds of psychological weirdness...but hear me out.) You are a grown man. That you are. You have the capability to hear and comfort that child. The child in you doesn't have the same abilities that you have as an adult. So, you, yourself, as a grown man can help be the comfort to that child that you didn't have when you were young.

Sometimes I imagine myself as me, wearing the same clothes and everything at that moment, holding the small child that was abandoned. I imagine what I would say to her. And what would help her in the years to come. I validate her fears and let her cry. I find this easier to do right now. My youngest child, who I think is like a mini-me in personality is right at the age the abuse started. It makes it blatantly obvious that I care for my daughter more than myself at that age. It puts all the emotions, child and adult, right in the forefront and I can't ignore it.

I hope you find some peace between the two.

 

[Polly_pocket]

I really struggle with this too. In fact when I started talking about my trauma my child self split off completely and I have no control over the way I behave when she comes out. It has got better as I have worked on my trauma and have learnt grounding/self soothing.

Although I don't split as much now I still get that feeling of being a frightened child a lot. I can be very clingy. My T and I are doing visualisations to try and connect me up better. It's called lifespan integration. We're also doing something called internal family systems which explains how the different parts of the self work in trauma.

I don't know how helpful that is but I at least wanted to validate what you are feeling and tell you that it is normal.

Edit: also it is really helpful for me to hear that other people do this because even my mental health team don't understand.

 

[jaccat]

It is really hard, and for all I may have made it sound easy I'm pretty rubbish at it. Just this week I've been struggling. When I try and do it a little voice in my head jumps in telling me I'm not worth the effort. Then I end up getting frustrated about that, then angry at myself for getting frustrated, then instead of comforting myself I'm berating myself for being such a useless piece of...

You can see where that's heading. I too went for a walk this weekend for that very reason.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

This is how I feel, too. It is quite difficult at this moment in my life to be an adult. I feel helpless, like a kid that not only needs comfort and safety, but guidance on life skills. I don't know if it's my stage of life, pre-menopausal and kids being mostly grown, or what, but the depression is bad. My adult has gone into hiding and my parent just yells at me and wants me to smarten the ef up. I'm in kid mode, avoiding life and responsibilities as much as possible, feeling lonely and lost and incapable. So, you are not alone.

 

[Hope4Now]

internal family systems which explains how the different parts of the self work in trauma.

That's the therapy I'm in too.

little voice in my head jumps in telling me I'm not worth the effort. Then I end up getting frustrated about that, then angry at myself for getting frustrated, then instead of comforting myself I'm berating myself for being such a useless piece of...

Yikes, I could have written this about myself.

I'm in kid mode, avoiding life and responsibilities as much as possible, feeling lonely and lost and incapable. So, you are not alone.

Me too. Age thing and all (I'm 51).

@Mit, thanks for starting this thread. You're definitely not alone. It helps me to hear that other people feel like this too, no matter how old we are. I hope it helps you know it's just all part of the trauma stuff.

 

[Anarchy]

There appears to be a crowd of us in about the 50 to 60 range feeling this.

Mit and Scout, sorry for lack of input to your threads over the last 10 to 14 days, I just can't seem to get much to come out of my brain in a form that I think is worth typing out.

 

[Chava]

I relate to feeling like a child sometimes. It's hard for me to even connect with something like a teddy bear though, and I really don't even recognize a need for comfort from other humans. Lonely, isolated, and yet little will or desire for connection. But I feel the same isolation I did as a kid, which was often the safe thing...a sense of invisibility or trying to disappear, containing myself and disappearing into the background or out of the picture. I drop into that feeling easily. I feel small too. Lots of times I just want to hide. Like even though I own a whole real house, I want to have a fort to hang out in... Ha..

Aside from not feeling the need for comfort or someone to tell me it's okay, I'm sure it's probably there but so much like a foreign language. I do recognize just wanting to be recognized though..."seen" and allowed to be, versus being around others and feeling invisible or trapped in my bubble. I want to be recognized as being "here" and that it's okay that I'm here.

Happy to say I've progressed to the level of sometimes finding comfort in a stuffed animal or petting my dog (I love my dog and being around him and pet him for his sake...but it's hard to feel a connection where it helps me feel good too). So definitely we have to learn some of this stuff, at whatever stage. Very tiny steps for me.