Stop Freezing - How to Speak up

[piratelady]

I hope I can say this right so you all can understand where I'm coming from. I'm still working through it, but I consider myself to be a compliant victim. I froze every single time. I never said no, I never said stop. I still don't. I'm in a good, healthy relationship. There is no abuse. However, sometimes during sex I get hurt. I promise it's an accident.

All I need to do is say, "ouch" or "that hurts" ...anything. Cringe, flinch...literally anything. I can't though. I freeze every time. Only it's still happening and it's triggering me and causing yet more problems.

Has anyone else had this problem? How do you change your default reaction?

 

[grit]

Hi piratelady

Is it possible to talk about this in general terms with your partner when not having sex?
Since you are in safe space right now, it just seems maybe language and intimate conversation is your path to cure or healing than a logical discussion.

I wonder if after this conversation, the person becomes a bit more Intune and asks you are OK. Do u like this etc and that little encouragement keeps you in here and now during sex.

Just wondering.

 

[EveHarrington]

My current guy is CONSTANTLY asking if I’m ok, if it’s ok to do ___.... (You’d think that it would get annoying, but no, it doesn’t.)

A non answer from me means that something is wrong. I’m still not always able to speak up, but I can’t lie, either, so a non-answer/silence means something is wrong. It also helps that he can read me better than anyone else I’ve ever known.

It’s somehow enabled me to be able to speak up on my own because now I am able to say “stop!” if I’m in pain or I feel a flashback coming on, without him prompting me for an answer.

I don’t know if your guy would be willing to try checking in with you, but this is what has helped me.

 

[piratelady]

Is it possible to talk about this in general terms with your partner when not having sex?

I don’t know if your guy would be willing to try checking in with you, but this is what has helped me

I agree with grit, I need to talk about this when we're not having sex. I know he would be willing to check in with me. He does care for me a lot. It's just a matter of having the actual conversation, which is something I've been unable to do so far. Regarding my PTSD in general or our sexual relationship in regards to it. It hasn't been an issue until now.

Part of it is - I have bruises. He left bruises a few months ago, and again last week. My PTSD brain tells me that he sees the bruises and doesn't care which leads me to not trust him as much and just makes me compare him to my ex/abuser. I know it's not a rational train of thought, but that's where my head keeps going.

My therapist has been encouraging me to tell my husband how I feel and what I need more often, which is exactly inline with both of your suggestions. I guess, having that conversation and seeing how he reacts afterwards would put my ptsd-brain to rest one way or another. Best case, I stop getting bruises, worst case...well I won't go there right now.

It's just such a difficult, and for me, scary conversation to have. One I'm not sure I know how to have exactly.

Thank you both.

 

[grit]

Hi piratelady

Without getting personal, I do not know why or if he notice the bruises...not everybody is looking at the skin deeply when passionate...but I like to add one thing...approach this differently than worse case to good case mentality.

Approach with like I love you but I get scared during sex and it is not you and I love our making love,or how or what would u do if you were me....

In some variety of solving issue together as a couple not testing him or making huge gesture about ptsd or you against me. Maybe even practise with your therapist if you can.

U want this to be a good learning and getting closer not confrontation. Even u could make the bruises in to a conversation. Hi babe look here I got bruised last night. Ouch did you notice?

He is your husband not last guy...and remember...we are living in post trauma he is not. Our language and perceptions are like yesterday and his is today.

Approach with love not as conflict.

Good luck

 

[EveHarrington]

I know you post in every thread that this relationship is healthy and your husband cares about you so much, but honestly that’s not what I’m seeing.

You have a sexual relationship where you can’t even say “no, do not have sex so rough that I get bruises.”

I’m also worried that you are now bringing a child into such a situation. Honestly I wonder if you’d even be able to say to your husband “please don’t bruise the baby!”

What I’m seeing is the healthiest relationship FOR YOU, which to be honest isn’t really a healthy relationship at all in the grand scheme of things.

 

[piratelady]

@grit thank you. You’re right, he’s not my ex. This isn’t a confrontation. I keep feeling like it will become a confrontation, but he’s given me no reason to think it will be. Thank you, I will try your approach, it makes a lot of sense.

@EveHarrington I do post that it’s a good relationship, maybe part of it is me trying to reassure myself, I do struggle to keep them apart in my head.

Here’s the thing, it’s not because of what he’s done. Without a doubt, I believe that if I could just tell him that he’s hurting me that he would stop. He is not the issue. The issue is that I can’t get myself to actually say it when it’s happening. I revert to who I was when I was I was abused. I just freeze. That is the issue, and perhaps I posted this in the wrong forum.

Regarding a baby, he wouldn’t harm a baby or another person for that matter. He’s an incredibly gentle person.

Regardless, as I said, the issue is learning to not freezing when I’m in the moment or find another solution. Grit makes a good point, this isn’t the past. I will have the conversation with him when we’re not in the middle of it. I can have the conversation when it’s not confrontational. Confrontation is too hard for me now. He and I will solve the problem together.

 

[EveHarrington]

All I know is that no decent guy would injure a woman during sex and not feel bad about it without knowing ahead of time that rough sex was ok. And no, with you, you didn’t tell him rough sex was ok or else this wouldn’t even be an issue.

Beware of any man that hurts a woman, ESPECIALLY during sex, and doesn’t feel bad about it, or even ask if what he’s doing is ok.

I still think you’re deep in denial about this guy and don’t know what a good relationship is.

Then again I realize that most relationships are shit and most people end up settling for less than they deserve.

I’m still clueless as to how you ended up married to a guy you can’t even talk to...? Is this a normal thing? People finding life partners they can’t/don’t even talk to? Why did you decide to marry someone you can’t talk to? I’m guessing you two don’t even know each other? Do you just hide everything that isn’t surface from him? So weird, so very, very weird. What do you all even talk about? Just curious. I have no idea how people get married without full intimate knowledge of their partner.

 

[piratelady]

This will be my last post on this particular aspect of this topic. He didn’t deliberately hurt me. He didn’t even know he did. Why? Because I didn’t say “ouch”, “you’re hurting me” ...nothing. I didn’t even flinch or cringe. Absolutely nothing. He handled me too hard, he left bruises. All I had to do was even flinch when it happened or say anything and he would have stopped and apologized. But no, I froze like I always do. All the shitty people in my life over the years have programmed me to take whatever happens to me without so much as a word or a tear. That’s on me, not him. He’s not a bad person, he is not an abuser. If he knew he hurt me he would be devastated, that I know for a fact.

One time he unintentionally hurt me emotionally. When he found out, he cried for two days. Then he made a plan to ensure it never happened again. That says a lot about him.

I will take the blame here, I think perhaps I’m not explaining myself right and am giving people the wrong idea. I’ve been off emotionally for a few days now. But regardless, as to this aspect of the conversation, I’m going to walk away.

 

[Deanna]

Hi pirate lady.. My abuse would be different

Passionate and gentle I don't see. Passive Aggressive is your joker card in this hand.

P.s. when I say my abuse was different I mean it's more than one specific abuse.

 

[Freida]

Just in case you check back in later.....

the issue is learning to not freezing when I’m in the moment or find another solution.

Can you talk to him about using a hand gesture or a touch? Make it some place that you can both laugh about when you set it up -- like I'm going to hit your forehead twice. That might take the pressure off of trying to vocalize, because you don't actually have to say anything but can still get your message across. And if it is something you work out together in advance it may reduce the stress even more because it is something you are doing as a team.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you @Freida I think that's a great idea! And he and I like teamwork so it's even better :)