Strange Trigger: Does Anyone Else Have This One?

[Flyaway]

This is really hard to talk about... but I'm hoping there are some people out there who can relate! and hopefully know how to get past this one... It is interfering with everything, and means I'm constantly living in the shadows.

So, I've realised this year that one of my triggers is achievement. As soon as I realise that I am doing well at something, or drawing attention to myself, I begin to experience high anxiety- I have to shut off and deal with the anxiety before it turns into a panic attack.

The reason for this is that in order for certain sickos to justify sexually assaulting me growing up, they would come up with all these warped lies...

In a normal, healthy, adult relationship, when someone does something that everyone else can appreciate - such as playing a musical instrument, or singing well etc... Appreciation for that persons talent may mean wanting to get closer to them, emotionally and possibly physically.

So, their game went a bit like this: I did something well, and they would see that as an excuse to molest me. The lie: "you did that behaviour (whatever I did well) because you wanted this (to be molested)". Me trying to get away led to an excuse for them to get angry, violent and another lie: "you can't back out now! You wanted this". It was like a warped, one-sided adult relationship.

I've been trying to work through my anxiety when it comes to my artwork, and it's working to some degree... But is very exhausting! So I just want to avoid.

I deserve to feel good about myself, and work at my talents... I would love to learn how to play the guitar which is sitting close by begging to be played... But, I'm so distracted by the trauma - I don't take anything i learn in.

I'd really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions! Thanks.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Oh dear!! I use to be like that too. I went through a stage from 20-24 years old where I enrolled and dropped out each semester. It was like I was purposely screwing my transcripts up. I was scared to be good because I had never known what being good felt like, it was very unfamiliar and scared and hard. From 18-20 years old I was a straight A 4.0 GPA student when I realized how much credit I was getting from the school and others I started dropping in and out for 4 years straight. My problem was not believing in myself and believing what was instilled in my head as a child. I never won awards growing up or trophies except academic honor rolls. Right when I started making the Deans list each semester it was so overwhelming. I couldn't handle it.

I am not really sure how I got over it, it took S believing in me for me to believe in myself again. He really replaced those negative self beliefs in me or enough to where I was able to handle success and believe in myself on my own.

I realized I had a problem with wanting to rush and be successful and that set me up for failure. So instead of trying to just be done with school I enrolled in one class one semester, then I enrolled in 2 classes the next semester, and then I enrolled in 3, and I realize 3 courses is all I can handle with PTSD, that is my maximum limit, it might be less for you, it might be more, but the point I guess I am making is go at your own pace and it isn't a race. Success is a bunch of teeny tiny small steps and not giving up on yourself. Failure is apart of success, nobody is perfect. It took me from 18 until 26 to really realize what I wanted to do and with lots of thinking, researching, getting to know myself and what fits for me and what doesn't.

Don't give up on yourself. Remember all those thoughts are not true and challenge them. I always tell myself, "That is the past and it is not logical and does not pertain to the present." I repeat that a lot, it gets me through stuff with success.

Start small, if you want to learn guitar, just listen to music with guitars in it, look up different chords and save them, go slow, and build it up to where you are able to pick up the guitar. Just familiarize yourself with the new hobby without actually playing before you jump into it and pick it up. I have realized jumping into things head on sets me up for failure, I am just at a slower rate and I have to build myself up to certain things so I don't overwhelm myself.

Start with small teeny tiny success and try different things because that builds that confidence you need! you might be surprised what you find.

You are amazing, smart, funny, talented, beautiful inside and outside, and any other thought in that mind of yours besides good things is wrong, trust me :).

 

[WillyKat]

Wow! I've taken up and dropped quite a few skills over the years, including music and photography. It's like I get to a certain level of skill, get frustrated that I can't get farther or at least not as fast, and I give up.

But I never related that to PTSD or my condition. Now that you mention it, there is something about sticking out, about not wanting the attention. Something about a person congratulating me sort of creeped me out, like I was being groomed for abuse.

I just had several intrusions. Not complaining mind you; this is really informative. Excellent post..you've really got me thinking. I have to bring this up in therapy.

 

[franciemarnie]

For me it was like I unconsciously made a soul contract when I was little. If he didn't go after my mom and brother, I'd stay small (not literally), I would exist as little as possible, I wouldn't draw attention. I also began spending all my time watching and "protecting" and stopped completely going after my dreams or even dreaming.

It has been very hard as an adult to break that "contract". But it can be done. Take breaks, but never give up!

 

[caroline_13]

I identify to a certain extent. Getting noticed can really freak me out--I'd rather be invisible, because if I'm noticed, I can't be targeted. You're not alone, and you're very smart and resilient.

 

[caroline_13]

I mean, if I'm NOT noticed, I can't be targeted. :)

 

[Leah123]

one of my triggers is achievement. As soon as I realise that I am doing well at something, or drawing attention to myself, I begin to experience high anxiety- I have to shut off and deal with the anxiety before it turns into a panic attack.

I do that all the time. My therapist says it's because the abuse and positive feelings (like those from achievements) are intertwined and pathologized, that it's hard to be happy without freeing up part of the trauma, without having something correspondingly awful come to mind. Just wanted to say, you're not alone with it.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Good explanation leah.

 

[Candleflames]

I wish I had some advice or wisdom for you but all I have to offer is empathy.

I too will sabotage my efforts to excel at something. I love to try new things and do them well but it's the limelight that doing something well brings that freaks me out. I can't handle compliments, praise, recognition or really having people even look at me. I hate it when someone watches me do stuff. For me hiding was a way to protect myself growing up. I would hide under my bed or in my closet so as to not get beat. Having someone notice me bring up those fears. Sometimes I'll still even flinch if someone is giving me recognition and then moves their arms around me.

It has been very hard as an adult to break that "contract". But it can be done. Take breaks, but never give up!

If you are comfortable doing so, would you share some of the things you did or insights that helped you?

 

[ashdawn8287]

Candle I am so sorry you went through that. I really get where you are coming from with how you are feeling. Don't give up on yourself either my dear.

Also if it helps, I had to retrain how I thought in public places, I realized that held me back a lot. It is hard being okay with doing well when all you have been noticed for until that point is bad attention. The lines blur and it is fuzzy. I had to force myself to relax in public. Every time I am walking to class I am practicing deep breathing, positive self talk, and telling my past to leave me alone! It is a daily thing.. It is hard, but it gets me through.

Again candle, you do not deserve to hide under the bed or away from life. You deserve to be happy too. I am sending hugs you way if you accept that. You are really strong-stronger, braver, and more caring and compassionate than you probably give yourself credit for. Hang in there sweet pea.

 

[WillyKat]

I can't handle compliments, praise, recognition or really having people even look at me. I hate it when someone watches me do stuff. For me hiding was a way to protect myself growing up.

I hate being watched too. Part of my trauma was being watched on the school bus by my abuser every day, back and forth to school for three or four years. Even now, being monitored / watched is an instant trigger.

 

[franciemarnie]

Candleflames - What really helped me was healing. The more whole and healed I've become, the easier it has been to accomplish the things it was so difficult to do once. Parts of me felt missing for years and as I have felt those buried or lost parts emerge or return, the greater and more solid my sense of self has been to "withstand" or transcend compliments or criticism.

Before that I used "self will" - which wasn't helpful. That was more intellectual - like steeling myself against the recognition, or "blocking" it out. The emotional response trumped that.

Drugs of course didn't help - I mean alcohol or painkillers,

Just working on getting better.

When I started doing stuff requiring an audience I was in my 20's and untreated for what ailed me. Any kind of response from others could keep me tortured and sleepless for days. Now I'm 56, and thank goodness it's a whole different story.

Not to say it would take anyone all the years it took me because I didn't get the help I needed for a long time.

But I never gave up and it paid off.

But taking little breaks when it all got too intense helped a lot over the years too.