Stressed: Anniversary Approaching / Very Sick Dog / Support Breakdown

[NovemberStar]

:(. The past month has been really hard:

1) Firstly, work in therapy 'going well' - as in lots of very painful processing and really struggling at times (mainly very strong urges to self harm as well as suicidal flashbacks). My T is not able to provide more support than she currently is - one session once a week, and possibly some (brief) email support (can't promise to always reply, will only be short response, might take a couple of days). I've felt really close to losing control of being able to manage the self harm urges. I don't have much support at all so feel very very alone with having to cope with it all.

2) Breakdown of my support system - I had a caseworker whom I would speak to via phone most weeks and see her in person once a fortnight. But lately it's fallen apart - she's failed to turn up to appointments, failed to phone when promised, with no real explanations as to why (except once when she went home sick - but it took days before I had a response as to where she was / why hadn't she turned up to our app, and no one let me know). I'm going through the process of changing workers. It's very stressful trying to get my needs met, making a complaint and changing support workers all at the same time

3) It's the anniversary of my mother's death in less than 2 weeks. I was 10 years old, walk,ed into the room as she had a very severe, fatal heart attack. Last year her anniversary triggered my PTSD really severely - very suicidal, flashbacks since then (at least weekly, sometimes dozens and dozens a day), as,well as severe relapse into anorexia requiring hospitalisation, loss of my job, and further trauma due to how sick I was and my treatment team not referring me onto specialists for it until I was very very sick (I really thought I was going to be left to die). The flashbacks aren't to do with my mothers death - I have no feelings or known trauma from witnessing her death; my PTSD is associated with prolonged childhood abuse at the hands of my mother

4) My dog is very sick :(. Had him at after hours twice yesterday. They thought it was a stomach inflammation, he needed a lot of pain killers (that didn't work for long enough so had to take him back yesterday). He was hardly moving, hasn't eaten or drunk anything (other than the syringes of water I've forced into him). By this morning he was pacing and whining and very restless. Took him back to the vet and he's undergoing tests - vet thinks it might be his spine :cry:.

Just so scared it will be cancer or something terminal:(

Just need some support and to know I'm not alone right now. Feeling pretty overwhelmed and afraid.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Oh anniversary reactions are often very hard to deal with and I am saying you are not alone at all. I am so sad that you are dealing with so much right now. I sure hope you can sort it all out very soon and please be gentle with yourself.

I hate suspense and it is the not knowing that really gets to me. Hugs.

 

[open eyes]

I'm right with you. My trauma anniversary is June 22nd & every year it's been a huge trigger. I've had so many self harm urges & I feel like I'm doing everything to keep them at bay, but they're still pushing their way out. My support system is cracking too.

Have you found anything that's helped you through anniversaries- even little things?

I've found a few things that make the self harm urges bearable. I write all of the reasons why I want to cut/burn/etc. onto my forearm with a washable marker & then when I'm done I scrub it all off with soap & water. It's kind of a mind game, but it helps me.

Another thing is when I want to do something self destructive, I do something like style my hair or do my makeup, so sort of forcing myself to do the opposite of what I want to do.

 

[xena21]

I have a sick 15 year old dog that is my life long companion and I can relate in that way. I hope your dog is ok. I know how much they matter in our lives. Mine is my baby! I love the look she gives my when I come in the door. SHe loves me I know. I hope everything turns out well!!

 

[NovemberStar]

@gizmo - thank you.

@open eyes - 'luckily' I've had many many practices of her anniversary - almost 30 years. Most have been a little hard; some have been excruciating, but others have been really really good!

At her 25th anniversary it was the best ever - I really felt I honoured her memory - traveled several hundred kilometres to her graveside. Lit candles, played her favourite songs, had a dance at her graveside (not as disrespectful as it seems - it was a celebration of my love for her then, not that she had died!). It was really really SPECIAL.
But it was the following year the quakes hit my city and the trauma I had previously resolved and fully come to accept and make peace with, resurfaced 100 x more powerful than it had ever been. And since then, it's triggered pretty bad trauma memories (again - not memories linked to her death - I've been told by specialists I might not ever be 'in touch' with that particular trauma).

Last year I worked hard to AVOID 'playing the tape' of the day she died. Every year, no matter if I'm not near a clock, I always 'know' when it comes to the time of day she died. And I a little bit go through it again - namely grief and sadness, not 'trauma' feelings.

Last year I was so angry at her and full of hamate I vowed to not she done more tear for her. Got through the day, but within a week (with over triggers) my PTSD flared up really badly.

This year, I hope to be up the mountain snowboarding. And continue to hate her - I find anger comforting, energising, and I'd prefer to be angry and hold onto that to get me through it, than full on flashbacks and panic attacks.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks @xena21 . Vet phoned back - so far so good - bloods came back ok - no cancers! And all organs working normally. Scan showed a lot of gas build up - he needs another scan around 5pm (2more hours), and is on IV fluids. They think part of his behaviour today might have been due to the tramadol - he was on a very big dose for a small dog - and it might have left him very agitated and 'spun out', although it was defined try pain also.

Hopefully if his tummy is better he will come home later today. Finances are not good and although (thankfully) I do have the money to pay for the large vet bill, it will make things much harder a bit down the track when I start to have to pay my mortgage back (am on a mortgage holiday now - I would have lost my house otherwise :()

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks for being there everyone - it helped to vent, post and have some replies.

My dog had to stay overnight at the vet but was home yesterday and it was so heavenly snuggling up to him in my bed last night. He's a little tired, on some meds for a few days, but is just as happy to be back with his mum as I am to have him back! He's sticking pretty close to me :hug:.

I haven't heard back from my caseworker's boss - or my caseworker - I'm a bit pissed off she hasn't at least reached out to give me a damn apology BUT I do feel I am beginning to accept the situation and starting to accept that she just doesn't get it or want to get it. That no amount of explaining to her is not going to change her view or get her to take damn responsibility for her part in my hurt. My new caseworker has phoned me and we will meet Friday. I'm not sure she seems as confident as my old caseworker but hell, if she more CONSISTENT and RELIABLE then that has got to be a hell of a lot better!!!

The anniversary of course still looms - it's way in the back. I saw my psych dr yesterday, and have arranged to see her again the Thursday before the anniversary (it falls on a Sunday this year). Work is my most effective 'grounding' tool but it is my weekend off call (I get every second weekend off work only). The positive in this is it will give me some space to process any feelings - and I can go snowboarding!!!!!:woot:(As long as it's open that day and not shut due to poor weather of course).

It's a tricky one because going up the mountain means I can't take a lot of extra meds to help me cope with the day; but taking extra meds would mean I can't go up the mountain :bored:. If the mountain is haut I will just dose up on meds like my Dr recommended.

Therapy: I think I will take a risk and email my T about the triggers from 2 weeks ago. I'm a bit afraid of 'poking the bear' but if I email her I will be clear I don't necessarily want to talk about it YET. My T is pretty good with respecting that. She will say 'would you like to talk about the email?' And listens to me as to the limits of our conversation. And going slow works in that I do end up talking about it to her in a lot of depth, just need to go slow and stop when needed.

 

[xena21]

My dog had to stay overnight at the vet but was home yesterday and it was so heavenly snuggling up to him in my bed last night. He's a little tired, on some meds for a few days, but is just as happy to be back with his mum as I am to have him back! He's sticking pretty close to me

I am SOO happy about your dog. I love hearing those things. My baby is sleeping behind me right now. I don't know what I would do without her. She is 15 and I love her so much. I can't even imagine the day she won't be with me. I am so happy for you. Give your dog hugs for me!

 

[NovemberStar]

I have to take him back to the vet tonight - his back leg has muscle spasms. It could be a variation of normal at best; or perhaps temporary nerve damage. Don't want to think about the worst case scenario (neurological or degenerative :()