Teddy you make a good point. I'd like to respond if I'm up too it. I don't think i have fallen prey to positive thinking but agree with most all that what you said. Positive thinking can force one into and endless trip of more guilt, dissapointment and negating our experiences to the point of not accepting we have this disabiltiy. Just accepting that I had this dirty word ptsd took me a long time. God knows enough people judge, discriminate, negate my experiences, and disability, etc etc.
So, believeing one can think themselves healthy and recovered from ptsd is bunk and as you said a dangerous trap. The last 2 weeks have been some of the worst ever in terms of near out of control rage....to the point of scary. To the point I'm not sure I'm going to make it through. I don't like that. Telling somebody to think positive when they are in the midst of thinking about the people they would like to shoot..rrrrr...(don't call the cops)....is worse than BAD. Nobody that is clinicaly depressed gets better by being told...to "stop that". Can you all think of the "worst things" that were told you by people, both Pro's and not, that were far beyond damaging ? Or am I the only one ? So, yes I am as fed up with all the BS that was told to me , preached to me, thrown in my face and stuck into my back. In fact all that too is included in the total picture of current Rage along with every other incident over all these years.....The Emotion/Rage attached to ALL the loss, BS, judgement, mistreatment, injustice etc., ALL came roaring back in one Huge ball of hate/rage.
I was trying to make the point that for me....I have to learn to see...that all the emotion/rage I'm feeling right now are not from a current incident. All those emotions from all the years past just jumped on board. One could say then that for each of those past incidents....if rage is still there...they were not processed enough or need to be again, and that may be true.
What I'm trying to say ( but can't seem to uhhg...) I need to recoginze that all the rage I'm feeling right now is not from current circumstance. Most jumped on board from all the past. I don't think I will ever get the control I need untill I can stand back, and say, OK, most of this rage is not from (the blarring music i have to listen to right now). Making that differentiation is the only hope of gaining some control. Knowing the emotional hate/rage I'm feeling right now are not from the music(am I pissed, am I triggered etc..YES). Untill I can step back and look at it in this way I am in no way capable of "handling" the current problem in a decent way. The rage and the hate say inside some deep spot within......vengance is mine right now and I don't care if i go to jail cause the SOB deserves everything he gets....cause he's going to "get" what everybody...all injustice in the past deserve and never got.....and I'm not putting up with it any more, ever....).
I Have to be able to look at it from the outside in this way. I'm not saying forget the past. I'm not saying don't screw with me anymore. I'm not saying that I still don't some times need.....justice served. What I am saying is I HAVE to be able to keep as much of the past in the past. It is in the PAST. Do I need to work on past issues some more...probably. But allowing all that past to cause and create total, right now, out of control Rage just puts me square back in the middle of being a Victim. At some level I have to make a conscious decision to put and place the past in the PAST and keep it there, right or wrong, easy or not,....I have to. I can never get better, or get more control, or get past these grand over reactions if I don't finally say....it is in the past, don't care, I'll deal with what I need to. Anything else is allowing all my past to control me Right NOW. None of us will get better to the point of having that "life back" if we can't figure out how to live in today after breaking the rear view mirror. All efforts made to get "better" are a complete waste if we don't get past the past. It ALL is about Control or lack thereof. I don't want ptsd or my past to control me anymore.
So it's not all about "positive thinking" in the sense you used it, I believe. It is all about positive thinking in terms of....things won't get better if i believe they won't ; I can and will not allow the past to control today(am I mad, pissed and want some justice....hell yes...but it's better....cause I'm trying....to make the event right now....be only about right now....not the people I thought bout shooting years ago, etc.
Most importantly is this concept that we radiate out to the whole world what we are "feeling" inside. That is primarily why my life is gone. When i get to the point of not "feeling" all the past emotions most of the time, and start seeing today as today and I'm OK (screw you if you don't think I am) I just may get smiles back, if given, and acceptance and some positives....if i can project some out.
I am SOOOO sick of trying to put a smiling face on....if i hear that again I'm going to scream. The flip side is I can do so more often and progressively find out that it doesn't hurt so bad when I decide that today is not that bad. Most of my days are bad because i either think of, or am reminded of all the past bad days.....and those emotions then follow without my being aware of it...just underneath the skin......and are then reflcected out to others who respond in kind. No wonder it was another bad day.
It will take me time....days or weeks to come down out of this complete rage. It is not easy. It will not take as long if I decide to "take control back" and demand to see the good side of today....and get better each day at keeping the past in the past, and recognizing that I feel like hell right now....because of the past mostly.
Sorry about the rambling. A positve attitude (different for us all) is necessary to get better and to get out of the victim mentality which most PTSD sufferors have to get out of. (how the hell did I end up back over my head in this.......again?). Everything from the past jumped on my fire, again. In part because I allowed it. In part because I was so overwhelmed with too too much....I couldn't stop it, in part because to some degree it can be "hard wired" from all the trauma. That which is hard wired can be replace with new and improved circuits.....just takes work if that's where you are at re EMDR etc. Sometimes that wiring replaces itself by shutting out yesterday and finding....the absence of BAD in today. I didn't say the wonderful good of today...just notice the absence of really bad.......then the good will slowly start to show. And tell yesterdays hells to go back to hell and stay there. And then don't kick your own but for the days in which they creep back in. Each time is a little easier. Always, I sometimes need somebody else to tell me when....Hell and the past is ruling my day.
I'm reminded of the years when each day was full of flashbacks and more, not to mention the nights. I haven't had a real flashback for a couple of years....just a host of other sumptoms. Those things are not as obvious as a flashback. I don't automatically connect(or at some level my mind doesn't) the axiety/rage/depression with
trauma/ptsd. I KNOW all the manifestations....but somehow disconnect with them...and end up thinking...why now? Some were learned over the years.....(oh yeah, this too is common or not so common with ptsd)...(OH...this is an anniversary of trauma x....and guess what, I automatically feel like hell and didn't know why for years) etc
Perhaps the most important question I have asked victims of certain crimes ove the years is....do you really want that ***&%#@@ to continue to control your life then, now and forever ?? It's up to you to make that decison....not always simple but starts with that decision
