Struggles You Thought You Conquered Resurfacing?

[Grace11]

I am so frustrated with myself! A few things I fully believed I was in control of that have slapped me in the face once again:

- anger, deep seeded anger at someone who was my former boss and alleged "old friend" who took advantage of me and slowly peppered my employment file with negative reviews despite me working 12 to 16 hour days and weekends, never able to catch up....leading to extreme fatigue to the point I don't recognize myself in photos from that time period. Anger boiled up again hard and strong, I was treated so unfairly, with cruelty, lied to, and for what? WHY? How can you do this to someone? Everything bad over the last year and a half seems to lead me back to this anger (I wind up blaming my inability to cope with emotional abuse, divorce, health issues due to stress, and eventual car accident on this first in the chain reaction of horribleness). I thought I dismissed it and was dealing with it in healthy ways. It's back.

- Short temper, irritability. Inability to "chill out" and always on edge. Shoulders tensed up almost to my ears. Most of the hours I am awake, which is pretty much all the time. I stop when I notice it, but I don't notice it until I'm in pain from my head to my legs. I thought I was becoming more laid back?

- Really negative feelings toward people who don't "get" it in general. I don't want to be this way. Why would anyone want this? I thought I was acting a bit more normal, but no, I am moody and envious of people who seem to be happier once again. People with their innocence intact. Which leads me to...

- "before" and "after" thinking. Viewing photos and arranging past events in my mind as before or after events. As "back when I was me" and "now."

- Lack of focus. Just...gone.

- Self-hatred. I really thought I had conquered that....but.....GUILT. My worst enemy. If I don't want to view myself as a victim (and I do not feel I am entitled to view myself in that light, nor do I want to see myself that way), then it is all my fault. Why the black and white thinking, I do not know. I am once again feeling like I am a BAD person, and I know that I am not.

- So afraid of driving (which I haven't done in months), I break out in a cold sweat just talking about it. I thought I could drive again.....can I? SHOULD I?

- Wanting to hide and be alone so I won't bother people

- Unable to see past today and plan for the future; seems irrelevant or silly but I know it's quite necessary

- Feeling I am a burden, I am hated or disliked, I am pitied, people are talking about me, don't want me around.......I used to be very social and this was getting better.

Negativity! God, this whole post! I sound like (and have been called) "Debbie Downer." I don't know whether to shut the F up and stop my pity party or to talk and risk alienation of even more of my friends.

Does anyone else get surprised by symptoms they thought were improving or were gone?

This sucks!

 

[Grace11]

OH, I forgot! Sleeping. I don't do it anymore. Again. I'd really like to.

 

[brokenchild]

Oh yes, I can relate to this. And it always seems to happen at the worst possible time.

Do your best to hang in there.

 

[Sethe]

Sorry you're having a crapfest Grace. Unfortunately, these things seem to come up at the most inopportune times- usually high stress, etc.

Hang in there.

 

[anni]

I'm sorry you're having alllll this. It does indeed suck. In answer to your question, and if it's at all helpful, yes, old, old things resurface when I've thought them dealt with somewhat successfully years ago. I'm attempting to ( and will ) help with Wiki. To make a long story short, I'm completely surprised by the old, old feelings of inadequacy and how completely it can stop me absolutely cold to the point of being confused, befuddled and actually incapable. Fortunately, I do KNOW it's not 'real', as silly as that sounds. People deal with things variously-with me it's a matter of finding other ways of getting something accomplished I need to do, kind of like tricking myself, if that makes any sense.

Please excuse if this doesn't make too much sense to you personally. It's just been something helpful to me, being able to sort of tell myself sometimes this stuff isn't 'real' anymore, and then maybe looking for a way around some problem, that's all. I hope things are at least a little better for you, whatever it is you're finding helpful here, and take care!

Anni

 

[No Folded Hands]

Hmmm...I've been through all of that list, and still have bouts with some of it. Here's another one from my personal list. Depression. At one point I thought I'd never feel down again, and when I did one day, it just shocked me to bits and started me asking "Why? Why is this happening again?"

But the point: I hadn't been simply depressed, I'd been probably either clinically depressed or the next closest thing to it. And I been actively suicidal. I had myself a plan. That I did not follow it does not mean I didn't have it, or that I didn't think about it over and over. Now, I just get down. I get depressed for a relatively short time, sometimes. It took awhile to see the difference.

Even little tiny improvements take time to notice; you've probably had some but maybe didn't realize it yet. And even things you thought you'd conquered recur. It may not work for you, but for me, I got past the idea that I could completely and entirely erase any of my PTSD symptoms on a permanent basis and quickly began to feel better about things in general. "Quick" is a relative term, that means a couple years of fighting out all those battles of "WHY is this happening again?" less and less often. Instead, I acknowledge it IS happening again and try to get on with limiting it in some way as well as trying to remove it from any public scrutiny until I get it back under control.

I guess another way of putting it is: This cannot be cured, but it sure can be coped with and controlled and not run my life. That focus has been the best approach for me.

 

[Reclusive]

Absolutely! I had an issue going to the grocery this weekend and it's like I've completely backslid. It's 8am, I haven't been to bed, and I'm plotting ways of avoiding leaving the house for the rest of the week. Just the other day I was feeling so damned good and now I'm back at square one! Arg!

 

[mysihba]

Oh, your aren't alone. After years of working on this and havng many tools in my tool box( I thought) and even after having 2 pretty good days with real progress and revelation, at last. Now I'm covered in many of the same feelings that you wrote about.. No real triggers (thinking about this), just a great big dump, and toooooo imploded to try to pick up any tools...just don't care. But i should and maybe so should you. I'm realllly sickkk and tired of talking to me.

my idea would be too pick out one thing like...GUILT. I kind of think you know the truth about that one. The other part of my equation is....accept the bad days and stop thinking about all the rest. Thinking about things is one thing, feeling a host of symptoms in the body is another. Maybe we can seperate the two.....By the way, you are a survivor not a victim. Just cause we sometimes slip back into "victim" thinking doesn't mean we Are One again. Stop beating yourslef up ....accept we all back slide some times.. sorry, can't type...hang in there

 

[Teddy]

I so get your frustration!!!!
I have been so angry as I have just taken one huge jump back to the start. I haven't had a flashback for about 12 years and in the last 3 weeks I think I have had more in total than in the last 16 years. Damn frustrating for sure!!!
My method of coping this time..... I changed everything..... 'If you keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result then what the????' is my new approach.
Last time I would have forced myself to work regardless, now I allow myself to go to bed and sleep.
If I need to cry, I sob. On Sunday I was so upset and all I wanted to do was lie on the floor under the table and hide with the dog, so for the first time in 15 years, I did!!! I sobbed like hell and my husband lay down on the floor with me and talked to me quietly, my son who is 15 got on the floor too and it healed so much!
This time I am not going to get angry and beat myself up and force myself to appear normal and hide my mistakes from every one. This time people around me can see the 'messy side of me', they can cope or they can leave, their choice. The way I handled it last time hasn't worked so I am doing the complete opposite this time and maybe next time I will do half way. Either way, I am 'passing through' and have stopped feeling quite so helpless and angry that no one understands. I have to look after me and this time I am.
Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to have a rotten day. Every one else seems to have them so why not us?? Since when do we have to always be so perfect. If you want to be angry then be it. If you want to be sad then sob, if you are unfocused then get some one else to help you or do it for you. I have to say that I am getting much better much faster and this way is working for me right now.
So the answer to your question is YEP, I get it!!!!!

 

[mysihba]

I'm inclined to agree. In theory that seems to say we aren't getting any better. I guess I am far better than I was 15 years ago....but I don't FEEL like it. Then I had energy that went along with my uhh...occasional rage. Then I was still working and had something like a "life". Then I wasn't broke and was a home owner. Then my vehicles actually ran more often than not.

I've spent the last few years trying to do various work/business part time and worked very hard at it. Nothing has worked out. Lately I'm finding it very hard to care. The only solution seems to be to....just don't care. That sounds really unhealthy. That sounds like I'm saying things I don't want others to read. That sounds like negative progress.

Maybe if I spend enough time under the table, I will at some point arise feeling much better if I could just sleep...During the earlier years my main concern was to not over react. Now I tend to not react much untill I'm way over the edge, having endured too much flak before I react.

If I had not spent so much time encouraging people, that they can have much more control over their symptoms, and seen and worked with some success stories...I wouldn't feel as bad writing this.

I guess I'm trying to say, I can handle the ups and downs but if the trend line is down there is not a lot to look forward to.

I tend to believe in the "adrenal fatigue" theory. When we are over stimulated for years we either remain overstimulated for a long time and/or end up with depleted adrenals that can't keep up with any demand in excess of reating and not thinking too much. I'm betting that the cortisol levels when measured under stress are near 0.

At least that sounds a bit better than this pity part.

 

[Teddy]

Hey, in no way do I see what I wrote as a pity party nor do I see any one else's as that on this forum. having looked around, I have found this place the best place i have ever found to just say it as it is.
I agree with the adrenal stuff. I went to a health retreat 18 months ago and they explained all that and I can tell you going from an insomniac to some one who could get some rest, made the world of difference.
They talked about the need to have a good low GI breakfast, Drink water, get exercise and wear out your body physically so you will sleep better. It all worked and I can say I was going really well. Best I had been in years. But of course, the minute I felt better, I got slack and went back into the old habits. Now I am trying to get back to all that stuff because it worked for me.
I think it was fabulous that you, mysihba, were there for every one and supporting them. But perhaps now it is your turn. Every one needs some one and every one needs to feel needed. I don't see it as a weakness, I see it as a strength. You now have an insight into what the others were saying and can help them better once you have gotten yourself straighten out.
I am so good at covering the struggle up that even my T can't pick it. No one around me can pick it if I want to hide it. thats is why I joined this forum. I can hide from every one and yet talk to some one. I am finding that a great help and I really want to thank every one on here for sharing. I now at least feel some form of 'normal'.
All my life I have been given flak about being too soft and being a drama queen. I went to see this 'wise old man' who was some form of a 'medicine man' and he picked up this struggle in me. His advice and opinion was that the world was too hard a place and it needed more soft and caring souls, not more hard ones. Now I might be a bit crazy but watching what I see on the news I think he might have been right. The trouble is that we are seen as TOO soft and given crap.
Maybe we should all just start asking if they were born such a hard arse or were they taught it? No one truly has the right to judge others as no one has walked their walk. I know when I have sat and explained PTSD and what happened to me, most people see how I got it but don't really understand, but they are at least a bit more supportive. If they won't listen or keep judging then I think that is a reflection of them not me. (That part is the tough part but I have made the commitment to me to believe the doctors and not the stupid unsupportive friends and family.)
I have a business that I started 15 years ago and right now it is not looking so good. I too am in some financial crap and it is hard to care as if and when I do I just send myself over the edge. So I take a pill and keep working my way through as 'everything comes to pass' and this is just another day in the chapter of my life. And every one has one of those.
I believe there is hope and with sites like this, more information is gained, more understanding therefore more ideas on how to get past it or at least live with the illness successfully.
Every day is a new one and every day brings with it sunshine some where in the world. It may be your turn just to stay inside and keep warm at the moment. And I guess I am there too right now. I am not going out in the stormy weather ALL the time, like I did last time. I go out in it when I HAVE to.

 

[Brontie]

A few really but the difference I find is that instead of making me anxious they actually make me mad. Stuff you think is sorted rearing it’s ugly head and still having an effect on me after all this time just makes me mad. I wonder if that’s progress?