Struggling- Suicidal And Self-harm Thoughts

[joeylittle]

@Muttly - I wanted to let you know about this thread, also.

we know he isn't the dad. we just... can't seem to make it separate in our head

Like others have said, it's very significant that you can know this. Separating out associations takes time. I know that someone I work for now isn't the same person as someone I used to work for, but boy do I have to remind myself of it every time something stressful happens. And that's just a relationship with employers. When there's trauma involved it's harder.

Part of the process is just in reminding yourself. Don't punish yourself for needing the reminding - it's a tool, not a failing.

 

[Muttly]

today at work is so bad. normally work helps keep me distracted but it's not a good day here at all. lost of people upset about trump. lots of other drama. my workload is over the top. this job has been making me miserable for a while and I've been actively looking for another job, but for now I am trapped.

And I'm scared. the suicidal thoughts are so strong and I'm afraid what I will do when I get home. not suicide, the pets needs us but I don't think we are going to be able to hold off the self-harm. we didn't sleep last night

tomorrow we are off work and supposed to get together our boyfriend but he doesn't no how mentally unstable we are so we not sure how well he will deal and if it will f*ck up our relationship. And he's gonna be all upset about the election too since we both are both liberals who are transgender, queer, and have past abuse histories.

we know there is another thread going and thought about posting there but we are too f*cked up and afraid we are going to steal support away frm other people.

sorry we being so dramatic. we really are.

 

[Ronin]

@Muttly is there any chance you'd go to sleep, without hurting yourselves?

Also, is it possible to go somewhere with your boyfriend where you won't be disturbed, and take a quiet time to yourselves, to just *be* together, and ground with each other's presence, without even talking about anything else happening now - focusing on just you two and your needs?

There is nothing dramatic in being scared, and it's taking a lot of courage to reach out. Thank you for doing that.

 

[Muttly]

@Ronin we tried to take your advice but our boyfriend was in a bad place and really wanted to talk so we sort of stuffed our feelings and was there for him. To be fair, we then went and played on go carts and that was good just to forget for a while.

today is the first day we don't have a bunch of stuff planned and the self-harm thoughts are so high. we were honest with our therapist with how we were doing. hmm... we had a two hour session and I mostly don't remember

you know what I hate about christmas (massive trigger)? Already, everywhere there are reminders about christmas coming up. Even here, there's a post about christmas card exchange. Which is fine of course, people get to enjoy. I keep thinking this will be the year it doesn't trigger us so much and it never happens. Which makes us think we are hopeless. And then there are reminders about trump everywhere.

one of our parts is so suicidal right now. it's exhausting keeping things together with that going on

And... a bit more about trump... I hear a lot of people who are pointing out that most of the people who voted for trump weren't voting for him because of his racism and sexual abuse. I get that. That doesn't help me. my dad regularly groped me around the family. he slapped me on the ass, made sexual comments about me, would stick things (like a ski pole) between my legs, act like he was going to do worse and laugh at his "joke", in front of other people. And no one ever did a f*cking thing. Every once in a while my mom might sigh and say his name but then at other times she'd comment about how we come from a "butt pinching family" or say that he did it to her too like that made it ok. That was it. being treated like that in front of family, family friends, strangers just made everything worse.

 

[Muttly]

Ok, I'm going to be specific and maybe graphic about self-harm below. Just a heads up

There was a time when my self-harm was out of control. when one part would start to attempt suicide by taking pills or cutting our wrists and other parts would battle to keep it from being too serious. we weren't able to stop the part entirely but we were able to lessen the severity.

when things are bad like this I can feel and see the cutting. maybe it's a flashback? could it be? I don't know but it's really hard to deal with.

whine whine whine

 

[Muttly]

I don't think I can do it. Ive made it this far without self harm but I think I'm out of coping ability. I'm at work and thinking of finding something I can use and sneaking off for a bit

I'm sorry I keep going on and on

 

[Tinyflame]

Ice cubes or a run around the block?

A distraction? Helping someone else? Music? A power nap?

:hug::hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Do yourself a favor and turn off all media sources. Nothing is going to change right now. Just c...

Agreed.

Apparently there are 45 1/2 settings in my iPhone just to stop the automatic news feed. Blah. At least I see no news now.

My home is a no news zone. (Tv).

I was peeking to ease my fears. It half way worked.

I think I'm just numb now.

Ignorance is bliss.

 

[Ronin]

Ive made it this far without self harm but I think I'm out of coping ability.

How are you now, Muttly?

& What helped you get there? I mean, you said on Monday you've made it without self harm so far, and that's a pretty long journey, so wondering what tools you used that helped you keep away from self harm.

 

[Muttly]

How are you now, Muttly?

& What helped you get there? I mean, you said on Monday you've made it without self harm so far, and that's a pretty long journey, so wondering what tools you used that helped you keep away from self harm.

I don't know

intellectually I know I am doing better than when I first made this post. At least, I'm pretty sure
I am so tired though it's hard to think. And feeling ... I don't know. I'm know good at feelings
I am on vacation now and won't have to be back to work for 10 days. so that's good. I used to really like my job. I hate it now. I'm so burned out and I really really hope that vacation helps. I will be leaving town and going down to be with my closest friends who have become my family. normally I'd be wicked happy. I'm just ... tired and depressed? hopeless? something else?

I got an email from my brother. it was fine. nothing nasty or mean. so I should be fine.

he invited me for thanksgiving. he said he missed me and still thinks about me. that's all great? right? except... the foo (family of orogin) all say they right things. on the surface they can look fine. I think for many of them, they actually mean a lot of those things. I'm sure my brother does miss me. they have no friends. he's on disability. they are all on disability or retired ... so no friends and no work. even before that they said family was everything. And I left. I cut ties. I don't want to be a part of them. I don't think the good times (and those exist) are worth it. Because unless something radical has changed, it will happen again. they will "miss me". if I went back they'd be nice. oh, maybe they occaissional verbal barb, but nothing major. they will welcome me back. they will want... and want annd want... be there for us. come to every family event. answer the phone whenever we call. be the good sibling/child/etc. at some point, I'll do something wrong. they will tell me I am selfish, bad, can't take a joke, need to grow up, and on and on and on. Emails, phone calls, coming to my house to confront me.

or maybe *I* am the crazy one. maybe it was never that bad. maybe my brother never did more than sibling rivalry. maybe my brother just teases in the fun way some people do. maybe my father just engages in locker room talk and is touchy feeling but a caring man. Maybe I am selfish and spoiled and uncaring because I don't support them enough. Maybe none of my problems are worth mentioning because they all have it worse. After all, I'm the one that got out. I'm the one who has managed to hold a job and not had an addiction to drugs or alcohol.

I hate this time of year. how dare I think that I could spend thanksgiving without my foo. how dare I say that I don't believe in christmas. how dare I set boundaries. I have no spouse or kids. my life doesn't matter. the nightmares I have don't matter. if my dad gropes me while I'm crawling under the christmas tree to give it water, that's just f*cking holiday fun. if my dad gropes me at the restaurant while we celebrate my brother's birthday, that's just a game. if my brother isn't in contact with me, or angry, or drunk, or whatever... that's because he has problems. I need to understand and forgive.

I spent years just being fine. I should just go back to it.

 

[hodge]

@Muttly, hang in there. You are a good and worthwhile person just as you are. Don't let anyone tell you different.. :hug:s

 

[Ronin]

You don't have to be fine, @Muttly. It's okay, you're good, and it's okay to need a pause.

Your health comes first. Things like work come second. (I have really easier time telling others than applying that to myself, but hey.)