Struggling with self hatred as usual but with a difference.

[digger]

I'm not too sure how to say this gently (and I'm not in a finding the right words kind of mind right now) and feel free to ignore me if this is way off the mark, but do you think that maybe you are getting a little obsessive about therapy and getting back to it? You seem to me to be over-analysing it all, needing to rake over and over your past experiences before you can allow yourself to move forward...I think maybe that is detracting from you actually getting anywhere and feeding into the cycle that allows you to defeat yourself.

I am I think in the stop fighting it camp on this one. Maybe even take a break from trying so hard to get into therapy and just take a look at where you are and be there for a while without putting all this extra pressure on yourself.

 

[Mayday]

Abstract, more often that not, your posts on here remind me so much of myself. I often think about myself as parts, it just seems to make sense to me. A lot of how I manage my life is because I work out little ways to get around various parts of me.

For instance, I like photography. So I bought a secondhand, but still decent camera. There is a part of me that really loves that camera. However there is another part of me that says "You can't have nice things". To balance those parts, I have the nice camera, it's not new or flash, but it does a pretty good job. However I don't have a proper protective bag for it. It just gets chucked in whatever bag I am using. Which isn't good for the camera, because it ends up getting knocked around.

So basically that's the compromise that my "parts" can live with. I can have something nice, as long as it's not too nice and as long as I don't get too attached to it. If I were to buy a really nice, new camera...or a nice protective carry case for my existing camera then this would upset the internal balance, and somehow, I would end up self sabotaging and the camera would get ruined. It wouldn't be conscious, but it would happen.

That probably makes no sense to anyone.

I did a similar "tactic" when I decided to give therapy another go last year. I kind of pretended/convinced myself I was only going to deal with the concentration issues so that I could function better. I wasn't going to deal with anything personal etc...I think if I'd gone in, wanting to deal with the "too hard basket" I would have self sabotaged for sure, and ended up having yet another miserable therapy experience.

 

[katiekat]

I'm curious to know what is stopping you from picking up the phone, scheduling a therapy appointment and going. I think you probably ARE over thinking it, when it can be as simple as using your hand to pick up the phone, dial with your fingers and say a few sentences to the person on the other line. This reminds me of how I go about getting myself to the gym. I decide that day I will not go to bed without going to the gym. Then the minute I get home from work, I put on my gym clothes and walk out the door. I do not allow myself much time to get dressed, I do not allow myself to listen to the voice inside my head that says "I'm too tired." Or "I didn't eat anything unhealthy today so I didn't need to go workout. Or " I'm too sore from my workout yesterday." If I get to the gym and I still hear that voice saying, "I'm too tired, sore, etc...." I just do a half-assed workout, because even just going through the motions even if you are not making a ton of progress or seeing results can still help. It can boost your self esteem, prove to those voices that they do not have control over you, and just keeping the habit of doing something will be beneficial.

So if you can just go through the motions of taking that first step by calling and making an appointment, I think you will feel a tiny bit better. I think I can decipher through your post that you want this and are ready to make some bigger steps in your healing process.

 

[katiekat]

Mayday, that is EXACTLY what I'm talking about but in a different way! Can you see the similarities?

 

[Mayday]

Mayday, that is EXACTLY what I'm talking about but in a different way! Can you see the similarities?

Not really. I mean, I get what you're saying, but I think it's quite different to what I mean when I talk about parts. For me, the parts almost have personalities of their own. I still do the same kind of thinking that you mention, but it's not quite what I mean in this instance.

 

[ms spock]

Don't push yourself off the edge Abstract.

Those double bind situations can be tricky to deal with.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I, too, wonder what's stopping you from moving forward in your healing. I think it would help you to identify the payoff of staying where you are versus moving forward. That is, there must be some sort of benefit of staying where you are instead of taking that leap of faith and moving forward in your healing.

I think it's interesting that you're one who believes in the possibility of there being a cure to PTSD, yet you aren't willing to move in that direction. Can I ask you why? Is it fear? Is it a matter of possibly feeling less safe? You believe there's a cure, so why not seek it out? I'm one with a realistic (although you say negative) view of my own situation in that I will deal with trauma issues my whole life....that is, at the very least I will always require a higher level of self care and have a lower stress threshold. But, I've pushed and pushed and pushed to find the best therapists and psychiatrists and hospitals and treatment programs... And yes, it's paid off as I'm currently in the post-processing phase of healing. I guess I don't understand why you make such a strong argument for a cure if you aren't willing to seek it out for yourself. It's perplexing to say the least.

 

[Seasounds]

@Abstract, when I have approached my healing modalities with an 'open ended outcome' approach, it took the pressure off of me and off of the modality to 'make it work'.

What ended up, instead, was: me being easier on myself, the modality I was using was an exploration rather than the pressured "this has to work", and my perspective changed-I could see small benefits from things I did , and I was less critical of myself. Small rays of hope came up, in the horizon.

Everything we do, adds to our learning. In that way, can you see how you have successfully dealt with PTSD? One teacher of mine says that everything is forward movement, due to learning about what suits us, or not.

Also, have you had any fun lately? Laughter can help detach one from a 'stuck' place and open perspectives to non-judgement.

Peace.

 

[scout86]

First, I have to say that my reaction, every time I see you've posted something, is just like radicalgratitude. "Oh good, it's Abstract!" (I feel that way about a bunch of you, BTW.)

I get the "parts" way of putting things. Partly because that's the way it seems to me, a lot of the time, partly because my T talks like that a lot and I'm used to hearing it. But, what he ALWAYS says is, "Everything you brain is doing was, or is, "adaptive" in some way. It just might not be based on up to date, accurate information and you might not see the point. (yet)."

I've experienced a pretty relentless inner critic. My T suggested starting a conversation with it, to try to find out what it was basing it's opinions on. I thought he was nuts (I think that a lot!) but I tried it. Nothing happened for several weeks, then one night I had a weird dream that gave me a totally unexpected insight. Where all that hate was coming from turned out to be WAY different than what I thought. That "voice" is still around, but much quieter and all I have to do is stop and consider it's source and it backs off.

If you had a therapist that tried to make you confront traumatic memories where you weren't even able to talk, I think they made a HUGE mistake. (JMO?) To quote my T again, "I want you to do this as fast as you can, BUT NOT FASTER."

What kind of therapy? I'm sure this is very different for different people. I know, for example, that Solara experiences this WAY different than I do. For me, it's all about the person. I got really lucky. He's good at his job, but I LIKE him. As a result, there's the potential for me to also trust him. For me, it's all about trust. People have to EARN that and it's not easy. I couldn't care less how he chooses to approach this. What ever works for him is fine, because I think many roads lead to the same end. What matters to me is that I can trust him. (And I do, to a point. LOL)

I guess I don't understand why you make such a strong argument for a cure if you aren't willing to seek it out for yourself. It's perplexing to say the least.

You know, on kind of a gut level, I can see how someone might feel that way and for several reasons. I'm not sure I can put it into words and then it may be different for different people.

If you take the chance, you risk "failure". If you "fail", what then? Except that we have the ability to frame our own definitions of "success" and "failure". I would suggest not to worry about "succeeding" or "failing". Look at it as learning.

 

[ninja]

Hi Abstract,

I totally agree: it is a constant complex dance! I do think that part of this is learning how, when and where to direct/redirect one's attention and focus. In some instances, directing the majority of one's energy internally can be counter-productive: kind of like a bull in a china closet. I think this is especially important for those of us who have a critical and analytic 'eye'. This energy turned inward is very difficult to control because it tends to lack the necessary sensitivity. I think it would be like trying to paint a very detailed piece with a slab of concrete or something.

Are there things you can do to distract yourself for a little while? Funny videos, a favorite movie..etc.? Most times, my 'best' processing and progress happens in the 'background' vs. the foreground (which is interesting, because sometimes I find myself focusing on not focusing on what's happening internally :confused: ). When I allow it to float further into the foreground and my thoughts get ahold of it, I tend to pick apart everything... and so begins the process of looking for solutions, which is nearly halted by my need for them to be 'airtight'.

the modality I was using was an exploration rather than the pressured "this has to work",

I really agree with this! Thank you for writing this so eloquently, change!

I see a strong and resilient person inside who knows what is going on and is asserting the truth, even though there is a ruthless critic fighting against her. :)

Sending kind vibes your way. Someone wise once told me to "trust the process". Thanks for all of your spot-on contributions on this forum. :hug:

 

[Mayday]

Everything you brain is doing was, or is, "adaptive" in some way. It just might not be based on up to date, accurate information and you might not see the point. (yet)."

I like that! That makes sense.

I've experienced a pretty relentless inner critic. My T suggested starting a conversation with it, to try to find out what it was basing it's opinions on. I thought he was nuts (I think that a lot!) but I tried it. Nothing happened for several weeks, then one night I had a weird dream that gave me a totally unexpected insight. Where all that hate was coming from turned out to be WAY different than what I thought. That "voice" is still around, but much quieter and all I have to do is stop and consider it's source and it backs off.

I might give this a try. I think I know where a lot of it comes from. My T calls some of it the "punitive parent" voice, which I think it based on Schema therapy?

 

[Britt.f7]

I for one would hate to see you leave, so I would never chase you off. You have provided me with many insights and it truly has helped. I would only want you to leave if you were healthy, healed, and ready to move on. And that is all on your terms. Not the critics in your head. I would miss you.

Whenever the negatives start winning I start talking back to them. I tell them to stop. Tell yours they are not the boss of you! You have accomplished so much. Please don't forget or lose sight of that. I care.