I don't want to live. I feel guilty and like a coward for continuing to live and not ending my life because I am a waste of resources. Someone who wants to live could use my kidney or something. Someone who wants to live could have my job etc.
I know how lucky I am in this world, and I try to practice gratefulness everyday but I still want to die. And so I continuosly feel guilty for not being more actively suicidal. Everyday there's a part of me that is so angry at myself for wasting resources and peoples time. Yet another part of me still has a slither of hope and keeps trying to get help. Even though I know that I likely will never be completely happy and feel like this, at least a to some degree, for the rest of my life.
So how am I supposed to make the most of my time here? How can I be a productive member of society when all I can think about is how much better it would be to just fall asleep!? And so once again the guilt kicks in and I feel like I am so selfish for not ending my life.
I know that people do get better. But some don't. I have given it a fair shot at getting better I think, but after multiple types of intervention, I have had no relief. Infact, my mental health keeps deteriorating and impacting my life at an increasing rate. I can't stand the thought that this is how I will feel for the rest of my time here. Quality of life over quantity right?
Im in a weird place where Im functional enough to exist and present "normal" and so feel like I can't get help from the crisis team. But CBT or short term counselling have not worked, the multiple times I have done them. Whenever I talk to my GP they always ask, "do you feel like you are in immediate danger?" or "if you do feel like that, do you think you are able to call 999"...well no. Right now I am not in immediate danger but I can't stop thinking about how much relief I would get from dying. If the moment finally comes, why would I call 999? Surely then I will have made up my mind?
So...how do I stop this cycle of thoughts so I can get better or finally give up once and for all. I'm not even sad anymore, just tired and frustrated!!
I know how lucky I am in this world, and I try to practice gratefulness everyday but I still want to die. And so I continuosly feel guilty for not being more actively suicidal. Everyday there's a part of me that is so angry at myself for wasting resources and peoples time. Yet another part of me still has a slither of hope and keeps trying to get help. Even though I know that I likely will never be completely happy and feel like this, at least a to some degree, for the rest of my life.
So how am I supposed to make the most of my time here? How can I be a productive member of society when all I can think about is how much better it would be to just fall asleep!? And so once again the guilt kicks in and I feel like I am so selfish for not ending my life.
I know that people do get better. But some don't. I have given it a fair shot at getting better I think, but after multiple types of intervention, I have had no relief. Infact, my mental health keeps deteriorating and impacting my life at an increasing rate. I can't stand the thought that this is how I will feel for the rest of my time here. Quality of life over quantity right?
Im in a weird place where Im functional enough to exist and present "normal" and so feel like I can't get help from the crisis team. But CBT or short term counselling have not worked, the multiple times I have done them. Whenever I talk to my GP they always ask, "do you feel like you are in immediate danger?" or "if you do feel like that, do you think you are able to call 999"...well no. Right now I am not in immediate danger but I can't stop thinking about how much relief I would get from dying. If the moment finally comes, why would I call 999? Surely then I will have made up my mind?
So...how do I stop this cycle of thoughts so I can get better or finally give up once and for all. I'm not even sad anymore, just tired and frustrated!!