Stuff I can’t remember

[Friday]

Now I’m remembering the flashbacks but I have zero idea where they are coming from. The physical response is still awful. There’s nothing that connects them with the reality that is my life (all except one which I know happened and wasn’t a big deal).

My flashbacks tend to come in themes (I’ve almost started a thread on this half a dozen times to see how common that is).

Once a theme is established? There doesn’t have to be anything going on right now to trigger one. It’s like my brain has just gotten fed up with me repeating the same shit over and over and is sending me announcements “Yo! THIS is what happens when you do THAT.” At increasing volume, frequency, duration, and consequence. The more I don’t stop doing what I’m doing? The louder & more disruptive shit gets.

Outside of themed flashbacks?

The angle of the sun, the scent on the breeze, the way I angle my wrist to open a door, the color of the grass, the aggregate of the concrete, a trickle of sweat down my shoulder blades, the exact rhythm of my heart, beginning to catch a cold, sand in my shoe, a lock of hair falling across my cheek where my rifle stock goes...

There are literally zillions of things that were all present, at the same time, as shit that’s happened. Sometimes I register what it was, largely because the 2 images are almost superimposed on each other for the barest of moments, sometimes I don’t.

In retrospect I was triggered as hell when I wrote this post. Had a terrifying flashback a few nights beforehand where my brain seemingly muddled up present reality and the past. I had to get up at 3am to travel interstate for work so was super busy - focused on work, walking, yoga - for several days. I stopped and it hit me like a truck.

YEP. That will do it, too. A kindness, in a way. Okay, she’s busy, we’ll wait until she stops to take a breath and then kick her legs out from under her.

Thanks brain. :meh:

But delayed reactions? Both to real stuff, and to remembered stuff? Cha. Bread and butter. Standard operating procedure around here. So much so that I usually plan for it. Okay, Event A aaaaand Recovering from EventA, Event B aaaaand recovering from Event B.

 

[Kieran]

You're definitely not alone, I can relate to what you're experiencing. For me, these experiences change and adapt and I experience them differently every so often. I'm sorry you're in pain and going through this, it's not easy. Keep on, and remember you're doing the best you can, these things aren't things you can necessarily control, but they're things you can learn to manage over time.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I thought I would share my recent experience that fits in with this thread.

Christmas and my birthday (a week apart) are triggers, I am OK with the trappings, I am not OK when the conduct is about me. Like gift giving for instance (I am OK with this any other time of the year). Last year my housemate tried to give me a normal birthday, come Christmas I was too disassociated to travel to my cousins because of being triggered on my birthday. I lost time in the amount 6 minutes in 6 miles, and was in disassociated state so I abandoned my trip. My cousin did secret Santa two years ago to accommodate my PTSD and I have no problems, it is just when it becomes about me that I get triggered big time.

This year I went to my cousins again expecting secret Santa, except she changed things up on me due to small number of folks, she did traditional Christmas. I was triggered but I dealt with it or so I thought, as soon as I hit the road to go home my mind started processing this trigger, so much I could not get grounded. This led to me being involuntarily hospitalized in another state from which I live. (I hate being taken to the hospital in handcuffs).

In fact my response is extreme in comparison to other triggers and such, my therapist believes something happened in December of 1977 that I can't remember (suppressed memory), that's the only thing we can think of that would give me this extreme response to simple gift giving on my birthday or Christmas.

any feedback that might be helpful is appreciated.

 

[mamachick]

I don't know if I am in the right place here. I have not had any flashbacks that Im aware of but have felt some added stress about several different things. My sleep has been out of wack and I am having trouble remembering things right for the past couple of days. Today seems lost, yesterday is vague. I drank some saturday night and was stressed and couldn't sleep. Then sunday slept all day, got up and ate a piece of bread and went back to bed and slept all night until 5 am Monday. I had some business to take care of Monday morning and was still tired. Doing errands there were detours and I automatically drove home without finishing the last couple errands that I planned. Then I was in my garage and remembered I forgot to do these errands. I slept last night. Today when I went to do things, I had misplaced items and can't find them. Everything is vague and it doesn't feel real. I think I have been like this before. I use an inhaler 2 x per day and often I cant remember if I used it in the morning because things are fuzzy when Im not fully awake. Thats kind of what it feels like. I don't know if this is dissociation or if something else is wrong with me. I think I have had this similar experience when under extreme stress but my stress is not that bad. Can anyone else relate to this. I feel panic. Any feedback would be helpful.

 

[Cypress]

When I am dissociating a lot my sleep is also a mess. I either can't sleep at all because the weird mental state I am in doesn't know how to sleep or I sleep way too much as an escape maybe. Maybe that is what is happening to you?

Trying to ground yourself might help. Maybe focus on what your senses are detecting in the now: what temperature is the room, are there any odors, where are your feet right now?

Hang in there, it will get better.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am sort of dealing with this too. I have a lot of gaps in my memory and other memory is clear as it was yesterday. And I am getting some outside confirmation on thing I still can remember.