Relationship Sufferer Doesn't Care About The World Around Him

[Katherine]

I'm roomates with my ex - a PTSD sufferer and I'm going through a time where I'm just not understanding (if someone can shed some light or has seen similar symptoms I'd appreciate some experienced insight).

It seems that he just doesn't care about the world now that he's out of the Army. He has the world in front of him and he does nothing. He sits and plays video games all day (no exageration, he plays for around 18 hours a day). He used to criticize his brothers for having nothing going on in their lives (for being a high school drop-out who plays video games all day, and for being a 38 yr old pot-head who works at a min wage job and has no prospects of a family or future) and now he's doing the same thing.

I hate to say it, but he's becoming a loser. Before everyone harps on my view, please read my diary (Love Is Always The Correct Response) because this is the man I wanted to build a family with and I still love him and want the best for him - even though that isn't me. I want him to be happy and find the things that he's passionate about. One of the things that I loved about him was the excitement he had for life and the goals he set out for himself. He was always so interested in trying new things - even with his PTSD.

But now, the only things he gets motivated for are his video games and weed. He used practice and teach MMA and now he can't even get himself to the gym. He wanted to go to school and even thought of using his GI Bill to be a doctor - now that is nowhere on the horizon. It's like without the Army he has no direction, he has no reason to get motivated to do something else.

So we're not together because I think he just doesn't want to deal with anything. How does someone get to the point where they just don't care? He's in therapy and right now he's working on managing his triggers. But how much can he work on helping himself if he plays video games for 18 hours a day?

I think if he got out to the gym, it might help him remember that there's so much more out there for him. I imagine that people will say that there's nothing I can do if he doesn't do it on his own, but is there something I can do that will shock him into remembering how much fun he used to have? I do care about him greatly and I want him to be able to have the zest for life that he used to have.

Maybe if I move out, he would realize that he needs to get himself together. Thoughts? It's like he just wants everything to be done with. He's not involved with anything that used to make him happy and he will be the exact thing that he always despised (people who he saw as a waste of space) if he doesn't figure it out.

Is there even a way I can help with this? Is there even anything to be said - or do I just let him go deeper into this spiral as if I didn't care about him?

I want to do the right things by him as a friend - is it time to push him or just let him be in this nothingness?

 

[Nicolette]

Katherine, I am sorry but there is nothing you can do about the current state of your sufferer other than give him a boot up the ar#e & hope the penny drops or walk away.

You can sit on the outside & analyse as much as you want but the only person you are hurting is you as your Ex currently shows no signs of caring.

There are two choices you have: let this consume you as well or start living your life for you (without him). If he pulls his socks up & gets out of his rut, which only he can do, he has your details - otherwise my advice to you is move forward & stop looking over your shoulder before this destroys you.

Love matters in a relationship but it takes more than that & a PTSD Sufferer being out of control does not normally have the capacity for a normal relationship until he decides to fix himself.

Take care but, IMHO, start worrying about getting your own life together & let him deal with his. Feeling you need to help him in his current states suggests co-dependency issues which are not healthy. Control what you can & leave the rest to run its course.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I'll add my own...and maybe bad advice.

I was raped in high school and I was held in m ex-boyfriends apartment for about two months. Where he raped and mental hurt me, over and over again. When I first got away, the first thing my mother saw when she looked at me was basically...I'm 19, no Drivers leinces, no car, no job....and she made me to do by telling me if I don't she would kick me out of the house. I didn't tell her what happened to me, I told no one. I think that HURT me more then helped me. It was to fast, to much, and to normal. I never got the chance to pick myself up and deal with what had happened to me.

For someone with PTSD, your roommate sounds normal to me....you have to let him deal with what happened to him. You can't force, it will just hurt both of you. I would get more in touch with the cares here, they are a great bunch. And deal with us Ptsd sufferers

Ayesha

 

[Katherine]

Thank you both for your insight. I didn't intend for the post to seem as if I was trying to fix him so that we could be together - though my heart thinks that would be nice, my head knows that it's impossible and also not my responsibility. For me it can be hard to get out of thoughts of better times and realize that it's a brand new ballgame - and it has nothing to do with you. And I think that still comes out in posts unintentionally.

I'm not trying to be with him and I am aware that he can't be in a relationship until he does fix himself. Also the relationship he seeks in the future will most likely not be with me because I am continuing to move forward. It's not that I am waiting for him, I just want to be able to help provide the best atmosphere that I can since we live together (I know this is unadvised, but financial stability in DC is hard to achieve when you live alone and I'd rather live this way than in the basement of a stranger's home).

I do my own thing, as I did when we were long distance, and it doesn't bother me. I have outside friends, work, training for triathlons, tons of museums, etc. that I all enjoy without him. I am actually very happy by myself (only child), but that doesn't stop me from caring about the people in my life. And I still come home to this person who is in pain. If it were any of my other friends I would want to know what I could do to show them I still care and that I support them (because I know that my actions cannot fix someone).

I'm not into being cruel to people, but sometimes all you can do is just be and when/if a person comes around, then hopefully they can find a way to fit into your life somehow. I guess I'm wondering if I should just ignore his isolation - or if that would be seen as being mean. For example: when he starts to get excited about the video games and talks to me about what he accomplished in them that day - do I listen and react positively, or do I just ignore him. Would it be beneficial to his healing to accept this outreach of communication from his part? When he gets back from therapy he usually talks to me about it - do I tell him that that's good (or does it even not matter)?

I'm getting okay with the idea that I don't matter to him anymore, though it is hard.

I can see that by just leaving him be and letting him be however he feels I would be complicent in his actions and I can only hope that he saw that I was just letting him deal on his own in his own time.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi Katherine
You are obviously a very caring lady but you must put your wellbeing first. It's great that you have so many interesting & healthy things in your life. The energy you have will be recognised by those around you. However, in my experience, it's unlikely your encouragement and recognition of your ex's achievements will be felt by him because he probably wont recognise it in himself for a long time yet. My hubby took years to begin to acknowledge that he'd made any progress whatsoever, probably 6 - 7 years after beginning treatment.
There's no quick fix I'm afraid.
Take care of yourself.
LH