suicidal after 1st session?

[Carmen1]

I had my first session yesterday wth a therapist. Im not quite sure what happenned or how, all i know is that just by narrating yesterday´s events to her, as well as my abuse and the repeated bullyng pattern, left me in bad shape. I dont understand why. Im afraid by ackowleding ut im making it more real. I had insommnia, woke up at 2 am, cried and asked God if he could just be done with me? send me some sort of terminal disease? Honestly I never have these thoughts, barely get insomnia. Is this the right thing for me?
I have always avoided memories and acknowleding something is wrong and maybe i didnt break the cycle but i was more upbeat and not suicidal. Granted the bullying issue kept repeated itself whereever i went, but i just changed scenarios. I had also become more isolated working from home and being very picky with friends and i might not be thriving socially but i felt kinda ok in my own little world. Yes i did suffer every time i was bullied and froe and couldnt defend myself and just wished it could stop happenning and the point of starting this journey is i guess to stop it. But im very afraid of the cost for me, letting it all resurface, i dont feel well. Im not sure if this is normal. Im not sure i should contonue this path or go back to being my old self where i never had to think of myself as inadequate.

 

[piratelady]

When we start to bring up past issues it can definitely cause an increase in symptoms. I went through a similar problem last year. The fall out after the initial disclosure to my therapist was so overwhelming. It did pass though and it laid the ground work for us to keep working together.

I would suggest telling your therapist about how this affected you. She can help you by teaching you new coping techniques and maybe slowing down the pace to something more tolerable.

When I had this problem last year, my therapist encouraged me to stay busy and surround myself with supportive people. I didn’t want to, but was desperate. It did help a lot so I could make it to my next appointment.

 

[Carmen1]

thank you! makes a lot of sense. If you want to clean up you will have to face some nasty stuff....no way around it! it was totally unexpected but now im aware this can happen and am more ready for it. And i understand it better. Thank you for your support <3

 

[Wendell_R]

All of what happened was really normal. Everybody responds differently to recall, so you kind of have to try it out and see what response you have. There are a lot of self-care strategies that can be useful, and figuring out when to go fast and when to go real slow is really important. Yes, you have to face some nasty stuff. But you can do it at a pace that your mind and body can tolerate. A lot of the PTSD work is also retraining our brain, and that takes time. So be gentle on yourself. Sometimes, the slower we go, the faster we get to where we are headed!

 

[Carmen1]

thank you Wendell. Its strange, after that fear at night, the day was very positive, I felt different than before. Integrated and hence whole and secure. I know this is just the begginning so im buckling up.
Love seeing your profile pic, i find it comforts me too.
:)

 

[Wendell_R]

Love seeing your profile pic, i find it comforts me too.

More cute pictures here:
Introduce your stuffed animals

Yes, it can be a real roller coaster!

 

[Friday]

It’s super normal.

Still very much something to discuss with your T, but an increase of symptoms is a known quantity with trauma therapy. It’s expected, and part of the therapy itself... learning to both manage the symptoms as they come up / increase & keeping them in a certain kind of tolerable level.

When I was doing therapy 2-3-4 times a week I wasn’t suicidal, but my panic attacks and flashbacks were through the roof (although my generalized anxiety and disassociation was low, normal life was a lot easier to engage in, I was just going to be kicked on my ass out of the blue several times a day, rather than be struggling with fog & Velcro ass). Doing therapy once a month my panic attacks and flashbacks are super low, comparatively, but my anxiety & disassociation are a lot higher, and I’m suicidal as f*ck a few days before and a few days after, with periodic spikes of panic/rage

When avoidance is the only tool in your Belt? It makes sense to use it. A BIG part of what therapy is all about is increasing your tool-count so you not only have more than a hammer to use as a screwdriver (doesn’t work so hot)... but a whole belt of go-tos, & a chest of tools for specific jobs all right there when you need them.

 

[Carmen1]

More cute pictures here:
Introduce your stuffed animals

OMG i didnt know this was a thing! i definitely need to get one!! I saw them all, they are very lovely and huggable, I can see how they help. I used to sleep with a doll. She was in charge of protecting me. But its been long since i have appreciated a stuffed animal, this thread inspired me :)

also, so my poor dog can take a break :p

 

[hithere]

I came to understand that the suicidal thoughts were twofold. One they memories of what I felt after abuses as a small.child and preteen but I forgot I felt that way and I didn't know how to do it then so it was a form of self harm and comforted me while I was all alone suffering g and having to go to school etc
so representations of the trauma (therapist and d sessions) brought UP ALL the original feelings so I could work thru them
second when I did IFS therapy I saw suicidal feelings were a Protector part..so once I communicated and got to know that protector, what is it protecting me from, etc stability was accomplished.

Only you can know if therapy is right for you. it is not fun. sometimes it is but sometimes it is hell. sometimes it's really easy but I had great damage done by a therapist that I am having trouble recovering from. best of wishes to you.

 

[Carmen1]

I will tread carefully then...i think therapy is good, as it will help clean up...but its equally important to find the right therapist like you mention. Thanks for warning me <3

 

[NicW]

I 'stuffed' my emotional response to CSA for decades, pretending that it was the only way to deal with it, that I would disgust anyone to whom I disclosed my abuse.

Someone here wrote a metaphor that resonated with me: Trauma is like a rubber band that keeps getting stretched further, when it snaps back, it stings. For me, that 'sting' was arriving at a crisis - unable to control my mind and thinking about making a bad decision just to end the pain.

What kept me alive was friend confronted me about refusing therapy. Her message to me was that she is living proof that, with therapy, the pain can go away, that there is hope for all of us, and that therapy is essential. I came to the 'workable position' that I needed to surrender to the process in order to heal.

It has been worth every moment.

All of the above said, I'm now living with my authentic self and the more I do, the more I understand that my emotional responses are absolutely normal. And the more I work on them, the less impact they have on me - the less control my abuse still has on me after all of these years. It has been worth every moment. I may have already mentioned that. :)

There really is hope - for all of us.

 

[Mach123]

I 'stuffed' my emotional response to CSA for decades, pretending that it was the only way to deal with it, that I would disgust anyone to whom I disclosed my abuse.

Someone here wrote a metaphor that resonated with me: Trauma is like a rubber band that keeps getting stretched further, when it snaps back, it stings. For me, that 'sting' was arriving at a crisis - unable to control my mind and thinking about making a bad decision just to end the pain.

What kept me alive was friend confronted me about refusing therapy. Her message to me was that she is living proof that, with therapy, the pain can go away, that there is hope for all of us, and that therapy is essential. I came to the 'workable position' that I needed to surrender to the process in order to heal.

It has been worth every moment.

All of the above said, I'm now living with my authentic self and the more I do, the more I understand that my emotional responses are absolutely normal. And the more I work on them, the less impact they have on me - the less control my abuse still has on me after all of these years. It has been worth every moment. I may have already mentioned that. :)

There really is hope - for all of us.

Yes this is it pretty much. I had no choice in my case as I got older and it came out by itself and I couldn't stop it. Which is also normal.

So therapy was what helped me and it's still like going over it again and again. It's easier now. At first it was like being sick and pain like my head was getting blown off lol.

But I find that's what the process is for me. I just keep going over it and over it and it gets easier. Then hopefully you start to understand why you are you. The way you are. It's pretty well documented and I've realized I'm a textbook case more or less, with a little room left for my "individuality" lol.