Suicide Obssessed... Anyone Else And What To Do?

[Deleted member 29899]

Owlatwar, that's fantastic. I'm glad things worked out. I had that time in my life. The man of my dreams is dead now. I was very ill from Cymbalta. Lucky you can tolerate it. Thanks for your sincerity.
I called the crisis line. Which I never do, unless I'm at the end. Called them last summer. But of course I don't let them know that things are thst bad. It's a completely confidential line, no recording the calls and no call display. Or so I thought. As does everyone else in the city here. I asked them to pray for me. (I don't even know if I believe anymore...) Anyways was in the crying mode, like when the pain is so bad you can't bear it anymore and you are crying like you know you're doing to die. I waited til the crying receded.
Called crisis. Asked them to pray for me. She kept ignoring what I wa saying, only kept pressing for my name - over and over and over again. I want saying much, just asking for prayer. I don't need to play that game, 'let's make a connection, what's your name, how many wonderful chikdren do you have and...' I get it. I don't need to go there. She wouldn't stop asking my name so I said I'm going to have to say goodbye.
I was utterly desperate. I needed to hear another human. I needed a shred of hope. I just needed to hear a humans voice.
I did not indicate I was suicidal. In fact I made sure she did not think that.
Twenty minutes later, at 3 a.m. there was a bang on my front door. Again and again. Then the doorbell. Then, tapping at the windows on all sides of the house. I was terrified. Was it the cops or some weirdos and I need to call the cops? I was so paranoid.... No cars outside, no cops car....
The bastards had traced the call. The f*ckers sent the cops. They kept banging calling my name. The sons of bitches.

THERE IS NO SAFE PLACE TO CALL. THERE IS NO ONE TO TALK TO. Those damn traitors. I'm going to get the word out that they DO trace and send the cops. I go them to go away without letting them in.
NOW I KNOW THAT THERE IS NO WHERE TO CALL DURING THESE FINAL DAYS, WHEN I KNOW I WILL NEED TO CALL SOMEONE every day until the time has come.

After I called crisis and was so disappointed (before the cops came), I called some national prayer hotline. I asked the guy to pray for me. He sensed my hopelessness. I didn't express much, we really didn't have a conversation, he prayed. He sensed my hopelessness, the 'conversation' wasn't over, he said goodbye and hung up on my face. The son a bitch. I wrote the company saying that they should be ASHAMED of themselves. If I would have had a gun, I'd be gone.

I have my plan.

I just wish I had a f*cking emergency line to call for help until then.

 

[joeylittle]

@imok, I'm really sorry about the trace that happened with the crisis line.

Dialing *67 will disable most caller ID information. Some wireless networks only respond to #37# for the same effect. The best way to check is to google 'block caller ID' and whatever kind of phone service you are using ('rogers wireless', or whatever). This will keep them from knowing your phone number, and that will prevent them from doing a reverse trace.

It really is worth it to have a place to call.

 

[Fadeaway]

Wow, is my local crisis line doing training for your crisis line!? Mine does the same thing, they have gone as far as to ask me what color my car is and what my license plate number was, because I told them I left my house. They didn't catch the on foot part, at least didn't believe me.

Seriously, hotlines like that are D.A.N.G.E.R.O.U.S.!!! People in need aren't going to call due to the reputation. I hear you about wanting to let everyone know. I think that is wise.

Anyways, I had good luck with the Boystown hotline. They are a U.S. national hotline so it isn't going to be local. I don't what it is like calling a U.S. 1-800 number from Canada, whether you have to dial anything for it or if you get charged, forgive my ignorance, but just in case the number is 1-800-448-3000 They specialize in kids but and teens, but they told me they would never turn away an adult in crisis.

 

[Owlatwar]

That sucks the cymbalta isn't working for you! Have you tried some of the other newer meds? Like Pristique? I've heard that's pretty good.

I think sometimes hotlines can be a**holes because they want to make a difference, and when someone calls them who is determined they don't want help - it can hurt them. I personally think that if people aren't resilient enough to deal with people at their worst, they shouldn't be working for crisis lines. People are far from perfect, me included... but when other peoples flaws impact people like us - it hurts a whole lot more than it hurts the average person.

You know, I think everyone who has read your posts has probably wondered if they could do something to help - emotionally and financially... While most people are in a position to offer emotional support, I think you'll find the majority of people on here are really struggling financially. Healing from abuse/PTSD is expensive.

I know its hard to reach out for help, especially since you've got agoraphobia... I had it for about a year and a half, it was so difficult move past it!!! I was only able to do it with A LOT of therapy and determination. Another reason its so difficult asking for help is because it can put people like us in a vulnerable situation. When I was where you're at now, I decided I had nothing left to lose so I asked different organisations for help, for a couple of days I actually stole a couple of ready made meals from the supermarket. Stealing isn't a habit for me, I haven't done it since. My reasoning at the time was - these big supermarkets have overcharged me for years, stealing from me... if I don't steal back I'll go hungry. So I stole. I don't encourage it... just describing how desperate I was.

I really hope you don't decide to end things because you're not worth it... you are! The only reason you're struggling so much is because people have done abhorrent things to you... I can tell you now, that I've known a few people with cPTSD, and everyone of them at some point of their life came to a point where they remembered to some degree being sexually abused in early childhood... which led to being sexually abused later in life because they were conditioned to be vulnerable as children.

Someone I love very much, would say similar things to you... no evidence, can't remember... what I saw in her was an ongoing battle to block out the sexual abuse she had as a little girl of 2/3 years approx. One day, I was with her and she regressed. The things she was calling out and saw then, convinced me 100% that she absolutely had been sexually abused by her father. Similar story to me... except my father didn't care whether I was physically hurt or not... and her father would go out of his way to get a physical response from her. While children's sexual organs are underdeveloped, there are still physical reflexes in place. She hated herself so much because his actions manipulated her into thinking that she was involved in his vile, sick behavior. She blamed herself. It's taking a long time for her to come to terms with her body's normal response (much like a reflex) betraying her - how she really felt - terrified, and confused. No wonder it can take such a long time for people to come to terms with what was done to them. I can tell you now, that facing the truth of what happened really is liberating. It changes EVERYTHING.

A couple more thoughts:

Does your therapist know that you haven't rescheduled because you can't afford them?

Have you ever tried chinese therapy? meaning acupuncture and herbs? or a naturalist? Some people would be willing to do some pro bono work.

Also, your boxed up stuff... I'm sure it's full of memories that you don't really want to hold onto... have you considered having a yard sale? it could keep you afloat for a while... the relatives you're keeping it for - the same ones who aren't coming forward and helping with therapy fees and money for food... they really don't need it.

I'm sorry the man you loved so much died... that's heartbreaking... there is more than one soulmate out there you know. I didn't think I'd ever get over one guy - we we're amazing together. Then he was put in a bad position where he chose to drink again, which wasn't a good thing for a recovering alcoholic... alcohol led back to drugs... and before long I didn't know him anymore, he wasn't the same person. This new drug and alcohol addicted person kept betraying my trust. So I guess you could say, in a way he died. I waited for years hoping he'd sober up and come back to me... he didn't, and I had to accept his choice.

My new man was worth all the sacrifices I made to stay straight, and my loooooooooooooong fight. I believe there's someone else out there who's amazing, and just for you.

Hope you get through the day ok!

 

[Tinyflame]

Btw @Owlatwar you didn't steal in the conventional sense - shame on any society allowing someone to starve.

 

[Tinyflame]

I really hope you don't decide to end things because you're not worth it... you are! The only reason you're struggling so much is because people have done abhorrent things to you... I can tell you now, that I've known a few people with cPTSD, and everyone of them at some point of their life came to a point where they remembered to some degree being sexually abused in early childhood... which led to being sexually abused later in life because they were conditioned to be vulnerable as children.

. No wonder it can take such a long time for people to come to terms with what was done to them. I can tell you now, that facing the truth of what happened really is liberating. It changes EVERYTHING.

Respectfully, not all truths feel liberating to all of us.

 

[Peach]

@Owlatwar This is slightly off topic, but the "food theft" reminded me of something. When I was a teen I worked in the deli department of a grocery store. At the end of the day, we'd be able to save some food that could be re-purposed (for example de-boning the rotisserie chickens that didn't sell for chicken salads), but ended up throwing tons and tons away. Same for the bakery, too, every other day they'd load up 2 or 3 carts full of those fancy cakes and cookies, etc. and chunk them in the dumpster. I was appalled and asked if we could donate it to some groups or organizations in town...they could even pick it up! Plus, I imagine the store could have gotten a tax break for charitable giving or something. But I was told no and given a bogus reason that I, unfortunately, can't remember - I think it had to do with responsibility if someone "got sick" off of it. Yet we, the deli employees, were allowed to take as much home as we wanted if it was destined for the trash can anyways. So I would load most of it up and hand it out to whoever wanted it.

Anyway, the point is, maybe legally it was wrong to take the meals, but morally, no one in their right mind would fault you. I'm glad you were able to do what you needed to do to survive and am just happy you didn't get caught.

Having caught just a tiny glimpse of the waste that goes on in one single store... if you really need that food - take it and don't feel guilty. In the grand scheme it is nothing to them.

 

[Tinyflame]

Good for you @Peach . :hug:

 

[icare2]

@Owlatwar
Anyway, the point is, maybe legally it was wrong to take the meals, but morally, no one in their right mind would fault you. I'm glad you were able to do what you needed to do to survive and am just happy you didn't get caught.

Having caught just a tiny glimpse of the waste that goes on in one single store... if you really need that food - take it and don't feel guilty. In the grand scheme it is nothing to them.

yes, 'no one in their right mind would fault you'... and that used to be true, years ago, stores were more willing to look the other way. Unfortunately, here in the usa, that is no longer true. Stores have become very aggressive about even trivial thefts. For instance a man was put in jail for stealing a $5 sandwich. And stores now have video cameras everywhere so you will probably get caught.

The so-called Justice system long ago lost sight of what it meant to be ~just~. There are still a few good judges out there, but the majority are not. Instead they ignore the circumstances and simply follow their formulas for punishment, the so-called Letter Of the Law. So much money and so many days for such and such category of crime, punishments are totally arbitrary and inconsistent, (10 years for murder but 20 years for drug addiction). Originally the judges were supposed to apply compassion and to consider the circumstances. But these days we could pretty much eliminate the judges because most of them just rubber stamp the formulas that they have been given. Never mind that you are starving, it's immaterial, petty theft gets you x number of days in jail, they don't care what you stole or why you stole it. And once you have a criminal record it gets much harder to get a job.

There are food banks, there are churches, there is the salvation army and united way and other places. I understand the feeling of desperation, but the risk is high and the consequences are often (not always) totally out of proportion with the crime. The usa in-justice system has gone totally bonkers crazy. It is being controlled by a bunch of old and rich men who have no empathy for anyone who isn't like themselves.

Well, at least we aren't being run by islam yet, they don't bother with jails, their idea of justice is to cut off your hand for theft. yes, really, even in this enlightened age, they are still doing that, and they are trying to take over all of the countries of the world. so they can impose their brand of insanity and brutality.

go to a restaurant at the end of the day and ask them if they have any food that they are throwing away. this is much safer than theft and might even lead to the offer of a job.

 

[Peach]

@Owlatwar I understand agree with everything you said. It's all backwards and driven by money. It's such a shame but, unfortunately, I really don't see it getting better any time soon.

 

[Fadeaway]

:hug::hug::hug::hug: I hope you see this and hope you know that some one cares. I have missed you the last few weeks.

 

[shimmerz]

I am sorry. This is just cruel.

FINISHED. YOU ALL TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF THE BEST YOU CAN.

ADMIN - change password / close account

This may not be a very popular opinion, but if this is truly what you wanted, if this is truly what this is....did you not think about how many people you are hurting here with these statements? Cruel. I am sorry. I think it is cruel.