Suffering from C-PTSD.
I have been obssessed with suicide starting two traumas ago, so for years now but m...
Hello, I'm going to treat you as i would a friend n speak from the heart. Ive been there. done that and sometimes think about going for another ride. I know what's it's like to want kill yourself and to go through with it. Except I didn't bother packing boxes, N I figured 1 letter of hate, love, misery, hopelessness, n other reasons was enough. I think most people got this whole suicide thing wrong. Telling some one not to do it and that it's selfish is to me... selfish. So I'm not going to do any of that. It's not what I wanted to hear. I remember in cloud atlas, one of my favorite movies, how they say it's very well thought out plan, one of courage n dedication. If you you do it right there's no coming back or talking about how cool it was on the other side. Or how sucky it was. It's a one way street. With a serious dead end. Yes bad pun intended ;-) Back 2011, after years of contemplation I tried 5x . 3 good attempts 2 half assed. Hospitalized, baker-acted.. Friends all said they cared. But where were they? Where were they when i needed them? Only after the fact. N then came all the cultural guilt they put on you... But here I am. At the time, I figured I was such a loser that i even failed at that. After a while I gave up. I mean if I can't even kill myself. How pathetic. But Idk I guess some part of me didnt really want to do it?. Or maybe there really are some angels out there looking out for me. I went through a really bad period after that. Purgatory. Can't live. But can't die either. Then one day I had a revelation. After 11 NDEs n 5 suicide attempts. Nothing has killed me yet!! Not god, not my dad, not the car, plane, cliffs, ocean, sharks, bears, small viscious kittens, Nothing!... Not even me! "You can't kill me! I can't even kill me!!!" ;-) n all of a sudden I had this sense of invincibility. N that after all the trials and tragedies and traumas; I'm still here. For some reason... I'm not sure what it is. But I think it has something to do with helping others. I seem to feel best when I'm helping others n not so focused on myself. So now it comes back to you. I hope that maybe you could relate to some of my story. Or maybe opened a different line of thinking or feeling.. If not, that's OK too. I don't expect half the people to understand where I come from or what I've been through. All I can do is tell my story and empathize with yours, n maybe we can help each other out?. We're all on our own journey n path n incomprehensible set of personal events which make up our persona and emotions. Now as far as your concerned, a couple of things came to mind. First. you're still here. Me too. That's a good start. Neither of us have to talk to dead people! If you want to pm me n go into some of the details n what your thinking. You won't scare me n I won't make you feel guilty or selfish or any thing like that. I promise to be real and honest. I also see that your very thorough and care for others. Making boxes, writing letters. Not wanting to be a burden on others. That's all really positive stuff. N says something about your character. And you're still here. So at least a part of you at your deepest core, maybe on a subconscious level wants to live. Even if the rest of you doesn't, at least a part of you does. And that says there's a part of you that hasn't given up all the way yet. I don't know what you've been through, but despite the hardships, you're a trooper n nobody or nothing is going to take you out. You've got the power of life n death in your hands. That makes you a bad ass! I wonder if there's something cool you could do with it.? Heres a thought. You've already got your bags packed and affairs taken care of. Why not disappear for a while. Go travel. Get out a here. Go to Thailand or Fiji or somewhere cool... You could even do a fake death. N come back in a couple years. And everybody would be like . omg I thought you were dead!!?? And get a bunch of hugs n love. ;-) Or maybe just tell everybody your leaving. Go on a walk-about. Like the aborigines in Australia. An adventure of finding the self. I did that. I'm one page away from filling my passport. When I die at least I got something to show for it. And I also faced a lot of my fears on that journey. I learned how to surf in Bali. And I'm scared of the ocean, not being able to see my feet, sharks, tiny little piranas, giant invisible krakatoas!! You name it, I was scared of it. But I did it anyway. What was the worst thing that would happen? Die? I already wanted that so, hell ya bring it on. Plus I'm invincible!! Nothing's killed me yet and chances are I meaning you.. Might just have a good time. So I did it. And I'm still scared of all those things.. Not quite as much I did conquer a lot of fears... I'll tell you about them sometime and some other ones. But I did it: Depressed or not, PTSD, anxiety insomnia fears phobias alcoholic . I did it anyway. You can be depressed anywhere. So why not be depressed somewhere awesome? I tell you watching the sunset over the Indian ocean in Phuket Thailand with a cool drink and a beautiful girl melted all that away. And if your scared... Whats the worst thing that'll happen. You die? Well you're already planning on that and you can't escape it either. So that's a mute point. So why not? Your Bags are packed. Go do something good for yourself. Just a suggestion. Do what you want.. Or maybe volunteer at a hospice?. N go watch a bunch of other people die. It's on my list. Ive heard it really puts things in perspective. Slaps the reality right across your face. Hits you down deep. Being the last person to hold someones hand as they pass from this world to the next. And what if they looked into your eye, right as their final moment came? And though they couldn't speak you knew the question they were trying to ask? What would you say or do to comfort them? I bet you'd come up with something really cool. What a rewarding experience. Truly noble. Personally, I chose the hot chicks n Thailand first. ;-) But now that I've done that the hospice n helping others in need is where I'm drawn next. I hope this helped you in some way. And like i said, if you want someone to talk to about anything. Hit me up. I'll be here for you.
