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Suicide the ultimate avoidance

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Hey, @osiris , I'm here with you too.

I battled with suicidal ideation every day for years. It was so utterly consuming and painful and draining, and something I never thought I would live without.

Hanging on, when part (or all) of you just wants to let go in the most definite sense --- hanging on through all of that is one of the bravest things that you will ever do, and I can assure you, that it will be worth it.

Because one day, you'll wake up, and instead of that suffocating overwhelm of SI, you'll find in its place something different --- contentment at being alive, perhaps even joy, or perhaps even indifference on occasions.

Sure, that day isn't Today, for you. But don't take that as a reason that it will never happen.
It didn't happen for me, for so many days, until it did. And I never ever ever thought it would happen for me.

To let go now is to forgo experiencing that. And I want, so truly, for you to experience that.

Suicide has a bad (though well-deserved) reputation for preventing us from seeing other options that are actually there.
There is always another option. Takes a little while for us to find it sometimes, or maybe for another to hold up a lantern and help us to search, but it's always there.

I haven't caught up on your trauma diary, and am not sure what supports are like for you IRL, but you've only been on this forum for a week and yet already have a bunch of us who would just be so absolutely shattered if you let go now.

Please keep holding on.
You can do this.
You really can.
You are stronger than you realise.
 
Are there any things, or any one, or any times or ways that can help reduce the stress there @osiris ? I understand in so far as work is probably where I contribute most, but is also the #1 trigger for SI for me, and it seems impossible to change or escape. So on top of it is the perception of being trapped with no hope. :(

Hugs to you. I will pull for you that you can get a break and solution. :hug:
 
2.55am.
Not good at sleeping either then.
Not a great time to be awake.
I don’t have the strength for this.
I want it all to stop.
Don’t want to drag myself into work again.
Don’t want to breathe.
I am so pathetic
 
You're tired, stressed, and underslept... not pathetic.

Really. Your body needs the basics covered and some pause.

That doesn't mean need being hurt more.

And? You're allowed to be pathetic ;)
Ain't like it's a bad thing.

Kudos on messaging the T, did they say anything back?
 
At work.
Panic. Need a change of clothes because I’m soaked through. Stick AC on full instead.
Walk the steps to the office and lightheaded.
Reward myself with coffee like that’s a good plan.
Lock door sit on floor behind desk and cry.
Ok I’m here.
Do your f*cking worst.
So tired of this.
Head won’t stop. Please just turn it off.
Thursday night is every reason not to be here.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Fitful dreams last night where I could read all your thoughts and you’re all fed up of me and just want me gone. Paranoia kicking in. Never safe if I talk. *weeps*
 
Thursday night is every reason not to be here.
But the rest of time beyond then is not Thursday night.
Friday morning is not Thursday night.
Similarly, even all the Thursday nights after are not that Thursday night.

Try: Thursday night is every reason to make it through, to get to the parts after that are not Thursday night.
Fitful dreams last night where I could read all your thoughts and you’re all fed up of me and just want me gone.
That was a dream. It wasn't real.
Look back on this thread and read the things we actually wrote. Ground yourself in reality.
We're not fed up with you.
We want you here.
We want you to make it through this.
 
Yep. One more for want you here, very much. ;) Not fed up at all.

Dreams are good for reliving stuff possibly slightly safer, or showing fears, or brains working it out in a good timeout... but are not accurate show of reality, or other people's thoughts.

Coffee rewards *are* a good plan. A brilliant plan.

The only plan that's not so good is the one where Thursday night is so big. Because the fear of it is, but not the event. Just the fear.

That prick born in suckerville needs another damned good rant or two in the rant thread like you did before :sneaky:

Because *that* was having the loser fricking straight.
The one where he's so powerful you need to die to avoid him? That's giving him way much power he Doesn't Really Have... and shouldn't have in your head & heart, either.
 
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