Relationship Supporter Needs Advice On The Day-to-day

[ClarySage]

We've been married 24 years; while he's always been antisocial, and too obsessive about working long hours, he was always affectionate and easygoing, devoted to our relationship -- to the point of being kinda needy and clingy at times -- and very kind and supportive with me. During the last 10 years, he has allowed his work to take more and more of his time and energy; he's had chronic sleep problems, health problems, intimacy problems, has been easily irritated by others, etc. In hindsight, I can see this has been at a low simmer for a long time.

This past summer he had what's best described as a breakdown, and has been diagnosed with PTSD from his long-ago military years, and from childhood abuse. He is now a completely different person ... remote, unaffectionate, talks about separation, full of anxiety and depression, wants to run away from it all. He is, however, in therapy and we have just begun marriage counseling (although he has said he doesn't care whether we split up or not; he says he doesn't feel anything for anyone right now.)

Here are my questions: 1) Should I still give him the affectionate hugs and little kisses, and say "I love you," when there is no response? How do other supporters do the day-to-day stuff? This may sound like a dumb question, but I am feeling so rejected and hurt myself that I am unsure; it feels like I cannot do anything right, and so I don't know WHAT to do. Just going on as if nothing's different seems weird and one-sided, but living like housemates feels awful too.
2) Am I kidding myself by thinking that what a man does is more important than what he says? -- in the sense that, while he says he doesn't know if he cares about me, or our marriage, or anything, really, he is willing to do therapy together, still comes home every night, still occasionally shows some interest in what I'm thinking and feeling; we still go out for a meal together once a week or so.

Thank you to anyone who can share your thoughts and/or experiences with me.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

I'm sorry that you and your sufferer are going through rough times, my friend. It's not a fun situation for anyone to be in.

As hard as it is, and as intimidating as it might seem, the solution to all this is direct and clear communication. You have to be willing to speak to one another about these things, even if it seems intimidating. Ask him what he would feel comfortable in recieving in terms of affection and companionship at present time, or in the future (perhaps fitting into his routine, such as after work, in the morning, during dinner, what have you, any event you both partake in). On top of that, assert yourself as well. That might seem hard or intimidating, but trust me when I say that it will get worse if you do not assign yourself some boundaries and some basic emotional need. Your sufferer may not be able to give you the emotional support and love you need all the time. That's okay, and that's understandable - everyone has their bad days. But never, ever getting your needs met is not evidence of a strong and selfless supporter. That's evidence of a very hurt, very broken supporter.

Many PTSD sufferers react differently in terms of stressful reactions. The desire to "run away from it all" and to seperate and/or isolate is very, very common in many sufferers - possibly an instinctive fight, flight or freeze reaction when faced with tremendous stress, or in many cases, flashbacks or triggers of their trauma. Reliving traumatic memories will often cause various symptoms, some of which are hightened anxiety, depression and hypervigilence. Other accompanying results can be dissassociation or complete emotional numbness and apathy after being under much stress.

This early on, I think it's very important, especially with the both of you seeking marriage counseling and him seeking therapy, that you establish firm boundaries for yourself. If him constantly talking about seperation distresses you, and yet he is remaining apathetic to it, that is an example of something you need to address. It might seem stressful at first, but it's important that you do. Remain supportive and gentle in the address, but still be firm. Perhaps something like, "I understand that you are going through a lot of pain and stress as of late. I know that things are hard and what you're dealing with must be difficult. But as someone who is trying to build a relationship with you, unless you are addressing it seriously and with vindiction, I'd rather you not threaten/throw around the subject of seperation towards me. If you are serious about it, then by all means, do so. But if you are uncertain, undecided or unapathetic about it, then I propose we do our best to move forward together in counseling and communication to one another." Something of that manner, perhaps. Regardless of how you do it, it must be done.

 

[Justmehere]

Trauma makes love and vulnerability and intimacy really really scary. If I don't care about people, then they can't hurt me as much.

His not responding to physical touch and being unable to connect with feelings of love towards you make sense to me.

I can also understand how utterly rejected you feel, even though it's not really about you.

As a sufferer, I can only speak to what works for me. I prefer it when people ask what I want, or even better, ask for what they want. I like it when loved ones ask for a hug, and in a no pressure way. It lets me know what they want, and if I can, then I can do it. It also lets me say no, if I just don't have it in me to do it.

Your relationship with him is unique to you and him though. I agree with direct and clear (and gentle) communication about this. Ask him if it's ok if you hug him, even if he doesn't hug back. But try to say it in a way where it will not unintentionally discourage him.

If he is processing childhood abuse, he is likely processing times where simple love and affection was mixed with the horrible and wrong and deeply traumatic.

It's good you are in marriage counseling and until his symptoms become more stabilized, it may be like living with a housemate for awhile. I wish I could tell you that it always gets better. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't.

Don't let your needs go completely by the wayside. Communicate them.

What helps me as a sufferer to connect more is when the pressure is off, but I still know what the other person needs and wants. It also helps when I know the supporte has other supports of their own and places of platonic connection other than me when my symptoms are sky high. It makes it easier for me to engage when I'm not sure I can.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I still cuddle and kiss my vet all the time, but I take my cues from him. If he stiffens up or pulls away, I give it a rest. I know it's not about me (even if it does feel pretty crappy at times). Even though he's a touchy-feely person when he's feeling well, and he likes small contact to help him feel grounded (hand holding, legs touching etc.), sometimes he can't take more contact than that. I tell him I love him all the time. Sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesn't.

I'm very much an "actions speak louder than words" person. I know my vet loves me because he would have been long gone if he didn't. Relationships are stressful, and PTSD broke his stress response. If he's gutting it out, he is putting massive effort into it.

 

[ClarySage]

Thank you all so very, very much. Lack of clear communication has indeed been an issue for us, and your suggestions are most welcome. Neither one of us grew up in healthy environments, and so it is a challenge to deal with all that is happening -- I find it particularly challenging to ask for some of the things I need when my own fears are triggered by his behavior. I so much want to do what's best for both of us, or at least as close to that as I can manage, and appreciate your examples and experience and your willingness to share with me.