Supporting other members to play mindgames with their own children?

[Wivalol]

Elder Abuse is a red herring because that is not what is being discussed here.

How do you even know that? Simple. You don't.

 

[Nujag]

You have no right to speak against anyone else's family dynamics.

So if a child discloses sexual abuse to me; I should just "let the parents" deal with it?

Everyone has a right to speak out about what ever they want to in my country! You see, we are a democracy.
Mummy doesn't get to decide that black is white, and white is black!

Stop judging others so harshly when you have no idea what you are talking about.

Right back at you. It is interesting that all this pushes your buttons so much? Some residual guilt feelings for what you are doing to your child/children?

How could you behave less like a victim today? What impact are your behaviours having on the people today? Are you spending a significant amount of your day running other people down, and discussing this with other people? Is this assistive in your recovery or are you being the martyr Mother?

 

[Wivalol]

You've got serious issues. I am out.

 

[Nujag]

How do you even know that? Simple. You don't.

I do actually, by reading the opening post, I actually can read, in black and white what the parameters of this thread is - you can't shift the goal posts on that one. It is there for everyone to read!

 

[Imibi]

You've got serious issues.

How about the opening poster goes and deals with his/her serious issues, and you, the parent of an adult child, actually consider your serious issues, such as, denial, which can be seen by your responses in this thread?

How is your Trauma Psychiatrist assisting you to live with the "Elder Abuse" that you are suffering from? Though that is definitely not what this thread is about, as can be seen by the opening post.

 

[A D M I N]

I have no idea what post is being discussed.

However, I find it interesting that the OP couldn't address this in that particular thread.

Why?

My guess is that this was the only way the OP could remain anonymous.

So OP, why are you essentially starting drama in a new thread and SHAMING people for their responses?

IMHO this is incredibly juvenile and incredibly cowardly.

Heck, I hope you don't start any threads about me, SHAMING my advice!

But at the end of the day it's up to each one of us to take the good and leave the bad.

Why haven't you mastered this skill yet?

The truth is that a LOT of what's said on the Internet is just plain bad advice. Are you going to run around calling everyone out for being "wrong"?

Good luck with that. You'll have time for nothing else.

I'm glad posts like these are an anomaly around here. If we all started calling each other out then the community would lose its sense of cohesiveness.

And yes you have a right to be heard. Just do it as yourself if you are going to shame people, ok? OK.

 

[Maluk]

T
Healthy approach? If it's not your family? Stay outofit!

So I had a really interesting experience with this in myPTSD forum chat once, where a member of the forum was reposting the potential physical acts of violence against his ex, that he was posting on FaceBook. So he was copying and posting his threats to his ex wife, and her Mother in our chat room. I challenged this as abusive behaviour. I got jumped on, because, another member said it was upsetting for the member (the one posting his ideas of what physical acts of violence he could to do to his ex wife) to be "labelled" as abusive. That this really hurt his feelings, and it was unreasonable for me, and insensitive of me, to say he was being abusive, because all men are not violent, and all men don't abuse their partners and I shouldn't mention it because it really, really, really hurts his feelings. That I could be damaging his recovery process. I reposted the threats - and said this is threatening and violent to threaten, openly the acts of potential violence to his ex wife and his ex Mother in law. This man had been told that he would never be allowed to see his children EVER again. He was not even allowed to ask about it. He would go into chat and complain, that he was yet another man, tarred, unfairly with being a potential abusive man. That men were so often, unfairly, "labelled" as being violent and abusive, when in fact they were not, ever, violent and abusive. I try to point out how that posting threats of violence to an ex-wife, whose address, he was not allowed to know, on FaceBook was at once threatening and abusive. And I got told off for upsetting him, because everyone in the chat room "believed" that he was a good Father, I mean look at how often he talked about missing his kids.

At another time this member was paranoid that his wife was coming on to the forum, to brain wash his 16 year old daughter against him. He went on and on, how he had been unfairly treated, and was yet another man who was falsely accused of being abusive. And the things that he typed in to chat were quite bizarre and abusive. I challenged his behaviour, and once again I was being unreasonable. He made an excuse that he was "having a bad day", and I said I don't care how bad a day you are having you don't get to be sexist, women hating, abusive, racist, etc etc.

He was such a poor, hard done by man, that had never done anything, ever to hurt, anyone! He was another professional victim. And quite a few people in chat would tell me I had "serious" issues for upsetting him by talking about reality - which he had copied and pasted from FaceBook into chat, or wrote directly into chat.

So was I wrong to challenge his "family dynamics" when he had posted the threats he was making to his ex wife and her Mother in chat?

 

[Bahuf]

I mean seriously this is a question every one participating in threads where Mothers and Fathers are emotionally having a go at their children, need to ask themselves. Why do we allow this to happen on our forum? If our parents where behaving like this, how would we think and feel? Is it because our Mother and Father behaved like this, that we no longer have contact with them?

If you have issues with your own children, then deal with them and don't mediate your venom through the ongoing collaboration of cheering on someone else's attacks on their children. The adult children get to the point of having had enough. The adult children in the end, have to flee to save themselves. There are no justifications for bad behaviours. There are no justifications for for using someone in your family as a scapegoat. There are no justifications for spending time online cheering each other on for "showing them", "putting them in their place" , " reining in a "male ego", "showing them how it is really done" or "putting my daughter right in HER place"!

Are you the child of a Borderline or Narcissistic mother? This is an interesting article about "The Borderline/Narcissistic Mother Brutal Womb vs. Baron Womb" by Mark Banschick M.D.

This article talks about the Borderline mother who uses every available resource – emotions, money, guilt, fear of abandonment, fear of the Mother becoming homeless, fear of the Mother living in a domestic violence situation, etc any threats - to manipulate her child to be available at all times and take responsibility for her whenever required.

This article talks about the Narcissistic mother is seen as a utility whose most valuable attribute is his/her ability to aggrandize the parent. Narcissistic parents seek out attention from their children when they need something from them. It could be something practical, like help around the house, or it could be more personal such as satisfaction of the need for validation or adoration, if their children are not available to do this, they may rage, moan, bitch, complain, character assassinate and punish in anger.

 

[Ujarig]

The article related to the above post about borderline and narcissitic Mothers The Borderline/Narcissistic Mother

 

[Nunat]

People are idiots, is my simple view. The internet is good and bad, equally. People use it both ways IMHO. But still......

Sounds a lot like Münchhausens Syndrom by proxy. I would only speculate the symptoms and leave the rest to a specialist. Even I know better than to cross such a line with my kids.

 

[A D M I N]

The anonymous forum isn't here so members can have a go at each other.

Thread bans have taken place.

There is a valid topic in here - and I'll request that posters get away from the "on this forum" aspect of the topic.

Thanks.

 

[Poza]

I mean seriously this is a question every one participating in threads where Mothers and Fathers are emotionally having a go at their children, need to ask themselves. Why do we allow this to happen on our forum? If our parents where behaving like this, how would we think and feel? Is it because our Mother and Father behaved like this, that we no longer have contact with them?

This is something I think about sometimes. Partly because I'm really aware that we usually only hear one side of the story. And I'm REALLY aware of how there are lots of different versions of most stories. (I know what family members have said about me, for a start.) So, when I read someone's version of what's going on, I make an effort to remember that that is only one perspective.

I wonder if 'wanting to be supportive' of each other is part of what goes on? Wanting to make sure other members are "validated"/ I wonder if the same dynamic isn't at work in some of the "fire your T" threads as well as the "your significant other is a jerk/abuser" threads. When I read those, I both sympathize with the writer and remember the things that have been said about me. (Or the times I misread something with my T and freaked out about it.)

On the other hand, sometimes these "the other guy is awful" thoughts are correct. I just think that playing devil's advocate a bit is useful. And, sometimes, for some members, maybe this just feels like a safe place to toss out a lot of anger or hurt. And, maybe, if that's the case, it's more useful to question what's going on than it is to fan the flames.