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Surviving

Guy reads my journal when I’m sleeping and monitors my activity on here, but I’m supposed to feel bad for checking his Instagram (from my own phone) to see who else he’s seeking attention from when he’s ignoring me for days on end after hurting me. I feel pathetic, sure, but I didn’t do anything wrong.

I used to check his phones a lot (he had two until recently). Thought I needed to to feel safe. But it never actually helped. I haven’t done it in a long time. He’s had a new phone for awhile now and I tried to check it once, but I didn’t really know how to use it, so I gave up and took it as a sign to just quit it. It didn’t help me trust him and it didn’t help him feel trusted. It wasn’t good for our relationship, so I stopped. Imagine that.
 
It sounds like you know this is a pretty abusive relationship. Have you got a plan to leave? Have you connected with some local supports to help make that happen?

Something to work towards maybe?
I don’t think he hurts me on purpose. I think he hurts me to avoid dealing with his own stuff. I think I’ve likely done the same to him. I withdraw, too, just never for days and days like he does, and I don’t come back with nothing to say. I come back after I’m okay again and am ready to talk and work on things, whereas he comes back to either say it’s over (only to change his mind later) or to pretend it’s okay. Only time he comes back with something to say is when he’s the one who’s been hurt. Then he lets me know what I did wrong and what he expects from me. And we talk about it. That part usually doesn’t happen when I’m the one who got hurt. It’s basically an ultimatum - move on without talking about it or he leaves. But then he doesn’t leave and the stuff he avoids talking about happens again and again. I looked it up and it’s really typical for someone with adhd to behave the way he does in bed. There’s things that can be done about it, but he’s not doing them. I didn’t even know until I looked it up last night. He’s just been making me feel like a prude and like I’m shitty in bed and pinning it on the sexual abuse I’ve been through. If any part is abusive, I think it’s that part. But again, I think he’s doing it unconsciously. That he’s just so used to avoidance that it’s all he really knows for coping with stress. I can relate to that, because of the many years I spent on auto-pilot, avoiding my past. I feel like if he would just stop hiding from himself, that I wouldn’t be getting hurt like this all the time. I think about why he avoids, the hostile environments he grew up in as a neurodivergent kid, and all I can do is empathize. He’s basically addicted to avoidance. It’s a trauma response when he withdraws, when he shifts blame. Doesn’t change how it impacts me and I should leave. I know that. I know he’s not gonna decide to deal with his shit for me. Wouldn’t work if he was doing it for me, anyway. I just love him and it hurts to know I can’t fix this.

I’m sorry. I think I’m a little manic right now. Haven’t had a full night’s sleep since last week and am very much over-stressed right now.
 
Understanding why he does it doesn’t make it okay.

Thing about abusive relationships is that it’s very hard to develop a sense of self worth while we’re allowing someone else to treat us like shit.

Hope you find a way through.
 
Covid is really isolating. He’s the only person I know IRL who is still taking it seriously. Being queer and not covid-ignorant in a small town leaves me with no supports. But I can’t leave because my kid is here. My options are to be alone in a world that is becoming increasingly hostile toward people like me, or to keep hoping things change. Some days I think being alone would be better. More days than not lately. I just don’t understand it. It doesn’t make sense to me that things have to be this way. My brain doesn’t accept that it’s not fixable. I can’t convince it to.
 
He ignored me for 8 days after yelling at me for not being active enough during sex while I was in a neck brace
Why are you with this asshole?

Sorry. I only read diaries occasionally. You could have very good reasons. But, an an ADHD-Chick? This bloke is a prick. Who can f*ck right off. So there must? Maybe? Hopefully? Be other reasons you’re with him. Because if not? OMFG. kick this asshole to the fawking curb.
 
When my blood pressure gets really high and the chest pain becomes too much, I think a lot about death. About what I’m wasting the remains of my health on.

I think I’m gonna die without knowing what it’s like to really matter to anyone else.
 
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