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Got in shit at work today. For something I screwed up in March. Checked my journal to see what was happening in my life at the time. Could’ve written the journal entries this week. Nothing’s changed in 6 months, except that the mistakes I keep making while dissociating are catching up with me. It’s only a matter of time before it all crashes down on me.
*some things have changed. I’m working about 3 times as much as I was working 6 months ago. I’m stretching myself thinner and getting less and less healthy, all to hold onto a job that pays for a life I don’t get to enjoy.
Feels like I’ve spent the last 20 years waiting for the people I love to stop running and numbing. Using their refusal to grow as an excuse to not grow myself. Living with people who avoid reality is suffocating. You can’t have genuine conversations. Nothing ever changes. I’m not ready to give up and I need to stop surrounding myself with people who are.
I’m not lazy or bad in bed. Lack of intimacy is actually one of the more common reasons that adhd relationships end. I can’t be exciting enough for someone who needs the activity to change every minute or so and who has been using porn to dopamine mine for decades. Not without making it unenjoyable for me. But I get blamed, anyway. Just like I get blamed when he withdraws from me, even though that’s also related to the adhd. Guess it’s easier to keep me feeling shitty and insecure than it is to be honest with himself or me.
I can’t do much about any of this. Can’t make him do therapy. Can’t make him take medication. Can’t give him the sex he wants. Can’t even keep him from seeking sexual attention from other people. This isn’t safe for me. He’s only going to get more and more bored.
He ignored me for 8 days after yelling at me for not being active enough during sex while I was in a neck brace. First he ignored me when I said what he was doing was hurting, then he told me I was just too lazy in bed and it was my fault I had to stop. Then I had to let a stranger touch me the next morning. Went to an RMT for the first time and spent the first 15-20 minutes of it crying. 8 days. Then the first thing he says to me is that he’s leaving. Not that he’s sorry. Not that he messed up. Just no accountability. Hurting me is easier.
Two years of being overwhelmed by him during sex and the whole time he’s been blaming my sexual trauma for it. Telling me I just need to work more on myself. I just need to be more confident. Making me feel not good enough, less than, when this is a pain point in nearly every adhd relationship. That’s something he should’ve known. It’s been on me to teach him about cptsd. On me to take accountability when it presents challenges. And this whole time, my issues have been exacerbated by him heaping shame and blame on me for all the issues in bed. The one f*cking place I needed safety the most.
This false narrative he pushes, that the abuse I’ve endured is the cause of most of our issues, has forced that abuse to be front and centre in everything. I don’t get a break from it. He gets to not think about it and go on with his day within minutes of avoiding accountability and reminding me of the things I’ve been through. I’m left on edge, made to feel bad about myself so that he doesn’t have to do anything, and if I dare get angry about it, if I burst after days of silence, if I can’t contain all the pain, it’s just more proof that I’m to blame for it all. After all, why would he want to talk to someone as terrible (ie. angry) as me? It’s just all my fault, always. I don’t usually buy it. But it’s still worse than being hit, because it’s a promise that he’s just going to keep hurting me and blaming me for it. I wish he’d just beat me up instead. It would be less destructive.
Work is slow today. I should be using the time to work on my performance appraisal that’s due by Friday. Can’t focus on it, though. My head hurts. My chest is pounding. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what I did to deserve this life.
Now he’s playing victim. Hurts me in bed, ignores me when I say no and stop, blames me for it, punishes me for it, but he’s the victim. This is how he avoids responsibility for his choices. Every time. By telling me I’m at fault. That I deserve it. I don’t do that when I hurt him. I actually f*cking apologize and think about it and make effort to not make the same mistakes again. But I guess everything is one-sided in this relationship. That’s how it works when you’re being used.