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Surviving

Yusuke22

Learning
Mornings are really difficult. I wake up from not enough sleep, but I can’t fall back asleep quickly enough. I remember that he’s leaving and the rush of sadness wakes me up. I don’t want to face this messed up world without him.
 
I know he’s leaving because it’s the easier option. Detachment and avoidance are how he deals with the difficult parts of life. I wanted to be an exception, not just another thing he ran from.

I pushed too hard when he became avoidant. Dumped too many feelings when he couldn’t handle them. The silence hurts me. I take it personally when I shouldn’t. The anxiety and fear build up until I can’t take the silence anymore and burst. Of course that just makes him more avoidant. I caused this. It’s my fault.
 
It’s not my fault. No more than it’s his fault when he stumbles into my triggers. We both take things personally that have nothing to do with each other. He avoids almost all conflict, not just our relationship issues. Yet it feels like I’m being rejected each time it happens, when he’s just rejecting/avoiding the conflict. Yeah, that’s not a sustainable coping mechanism, but it’s not a personal affront, either. I shouldn’t have ever taken it as one. Shouldn’t have internalized it as meaning anything about me.
 
He told me I needed space after sex didn’t work out, then ran away upstairs, took over the bedroom and fell asleep. Wasn’t about what I needed at all. I needed to not be punished and ditched for ending it.
 
Not enough sleep for the second night in a row means I’m falling apart before I even get up. Stomachache, headache, high blood pressure, higher than usual anxiety. But can’t call in sick or anything because I have a meeting with my boss today. Always just have to push through, knowing the whole time that it’s because I don’t matter. My health doesn’t matter. My stability doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I work.
 
Started a letter to my daughter. She’s 14. I just want to leave. To not be in pain anymore. I don’t know how to minimize the impact on her. How to make sure she knows it’s not her fault, that she couldn’t have done anything to prevent it. This is where I get stuck each time.

I’m so tired, though. More tired than ever and it’s only getting worse. I don’t think guilt and sense of duty are enough to keep me going. I’m worried I’m going to do it before I’ve prepared for it. Before I’ve found the right words to leave behind. There probably aren’t any right words, anyway.
 
Lost track of how many meltdowns I’ve had this week. I think it’s 4. Maybe 5. Nothing’s okay. My weekend just disappeared. Didn’t do anything I wanted to with it. I don’t feel like my life is mine. There’s nothing left for me once I’ve done everything else I’m supposed to do.
 
Numbing myself and dissociating feels like the only way to make living somewhat bearable right now. When I start to feel comfortable and try to surface, I’m just overwhelmed by the chaos.

I feel like a ghost in this house. I can only interact with select parts of it, and only under select circumstances. Most of it is unrecognizable and unnavigable for me. I don’t know where things are or go. None of it feels like mine. I’m out of place and disoriented. I’m not me anymore and it’s been so long since I was that I don’t remember who I am. I’ve disappeared.
 
Two years ago I was a different person. I was happy. My daughter was happy. We had a good relationship. I was healthy. I slept regularly. I ate a varied diet. I exercised every day. I took my dog for walks. I went for bike rides. My skin looked better. I had energy. I felt good about myself. I felt safe. My house was clean. I could find things and function. I cooked. I baked. I played games with my daughter and nephew. I had a surplus in my monthly budget.

The only thing I didn’t have was a man, and then one came around and I threw everything else away. I ruined my health and my life. I betrayed my kid’s trust. I can’t fix our relationship. I’ve been trying. It’s never going to be what it was, what it could have been. The best thing in my life and it’s gone. Before she was born, I had no interest in life. I’d given up. I’d had so much taken from me, and was just floating through life, high all the time to numb the memories and the hopelessness. She was the reason I got my shit together. She’s still the only thing keeping me going, but without her around, it’s just sad. I wish I could sleep away every minute that I’m not working. I don’t want to feel any of this.
 
I thought not being alone would make life easier. That two adults sharing the responsibilities would be better than handling them all on my own. But I just ended up with more weight on my shoulders, instead of less, and I buckled under it. Watching him read and nap and play video games while I’m working and struggling to focus as the messes pile up makes me feel worthless and alone in ways that are new to me. My work has suffered for it. I get so stressed that I can’t concentrate and have to sleep. Or I try to work as little as possible so I don’t feel so bad about working when he’s just lounging around. Doesn’t help. I just fall further behind at work and my job becomes less secure, making me even more stressed. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I still don’t get it. He said he was coming here to be the support I never had. To take some of the weight off.
 
More tired and sad today than numb. Arms feel heavy and bruised. Can’t concentrate on work. I miss him. I want him to want to stay, but I can’t trust it. It hurts too much each time he tells me he’s leaving. I can’t keep hearing it.
 
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