Tattooing As An "Acceptable" Form Of Self-Harm

[gdf]

This might be triggering or upsetting if you don't like the thought of needles.

Well, I decided I should start thinking about a diary, read the guidelines and got scared. Don't know if I am ready for that and don't know why I can't yet bring myself to do it just yet. The time is not right. So I am here with my thoughts.

I was reading through the postings today and discovered the one on self-harm and thought, geeze--this is exactly what I did. Last year when I turned 50, I decided I had always been this compliant, prudish, evangelical Christian girl/woman all my life. I have hurt emotionally these past couple of years more than I can say after telling this secret I'd harbored since about age four or five. Deciding to disclose it and then being denied was this incredible, overwhelming grief I cannot describe. Like letting a hungary tiger with a taste for human flesh out of its cage and then waiting to be eaten. I don't remember exactly how old I was when my abuse happened--I wasn't in kindergarten yet. What happened to me as a kid left me (as an adult) feeling contaminated, unclean, damaged, unworthy, filthy... You all know the metaphors.

The depression in 2008 and part of 2009 was unbearable. I wanted to scream for lack of progress in my emotional life and felt like I was running toward the edge of a steep cliff, out of control unable to get my feet to stop their motion. PTSD became this gigantic leech attached to me sucking the life out of me. I wanted to do something really hurtful and stupid with my life--so out of charater it would shock people. Get drunk in public and drive home totally bombed, buy grass and smoke, show up stoned for work although I have never touched illicit drugs in my life. I don't know, anything that was so out of character so that it matched how depraved I felt in my mind and soul. I wanted a risk and decided that I, perfect miss goody-two-shoes, was going to get myself tatooed.Something permanent that left me changed--irreversible like the consequences of my abuse. Something considered trashy" and "trampy" by those who don't understand the art of it--I mean no offense to those who have been beguiled by body art and now after undergoing a little "body modifcation" I get it--no judgement on anyone but I advise people everyday about the negative social implications of tatoos when looking for a job. Society in general doesn't like them...

Even the most liberal people I told in the office thought it was risky because of hepatitis and blood bourne pathogens and all that stuff. You could get an infection, it's not religious or very spiritual; it's unprofessional, ad infinitum... I just wanted to have control over one piece of my life at that period in time--to give up a part of myself on my terms vs. someone taking advantage of my body and soul as happened as a child. With a tatoo, at least I could control who marked me and how. I had a voice in the scar that was put on my soul. And I wanted to feel the pain and be able to say to someone "stop hurting me" which was a choice I didn't have at four or five. I started with a small, dark pink rose. Then added another rose and then a humming bird and then a third rose and then had the artist free hand some greenery in and around them. I assigned my tatoo gallery its own secret meaning. Whether I will announce to the world one day what it means, I don't know. It is my own symbolism. I enjoyed the pain of it because I knew when it healed each time it would be a beautiful secret, known only to me, under my clothes. Every time the needles hit my skin I thought I can stop the pain and the bleeding any time I wish because I am in control here. I felt a relief from it...from the pain. Odd huh. It hit me after my sessions "in the chair" that I was bordering on self-harm. This was my version of "cutting" in disguise. Each time the pain was a relief. I knew I was alive when I felt it. Will I do more? I doubt it.These last few months in getting my story out to someone who is listening and hearing the pain I felt as a child quells the need for physical pain in the present time. The garden of roses on my skin will most likely be the end of my tatoos but thinking back on the process I see why I had such a need to feel that pain. The tatoos have become part of me, like what happened long ago, except they are my choice in my time and with my permission. Strange, huh?

:dontknow:

Gina

 

[rjtransient]

This is a powerful post.

I hear you. You've captured the emotional landscape so well that I'm actually not quite sure what to say. "Something permanent that left me changed": this. Thank you. I respect the way you've chosen to channel the frustration and the need for risk and the need to reclaim yourself. I respect that you purposely and intelligently went against the grain in order to do it. Those who understand, do understand. (The artwork sounds gorgeous, by the way.)

I don't find release in physical pain, but in the spirit of purposefully reclaiming myself in my own symbolism, I think I'd feel the endorphin rush all the same.

I'm going in for branding later this month. I'll be more visibly myself and comfortable in my own skin.
Scarification is permanent. Will I regret it? No. 23 years of life experience have gone into the choosing of the design.

 

[gdf]

Hi rj,

Thanks. I have come to reconcile the permanence of what I did--the "safer" choice for acting out. It was an interesting experience from the intellectual sense but still very irrational when juxtaposed against the life I lead. Something about the chaos of PTSD creates this need for control yet we all seem to acting out in some way or another. We lead lives of extremes I think. The tatoos are my alter ego I suppose--a contrast with and against my public life which is professional, dogmatic and conservative. Before the tatoos, I never thought of the idea of pain being a comfort. Perhaps it is the symbolism of it more than the actual pain; that I can endure it and survive it. The roses, in one way, are symbolic of life--beautiful, fragile but thorny and painful all in one package. It is an apt metaphor for our existance here on planet earth. When I let the artist have full reign in those last sessions, freehanding her own designs, I discovered that it involved trust. I could give up control to someone else and just "be." I was able to let someone touch my body on my terms and was comfortable enough to let it happen. Tatoo therapy. Cheaper, come to think of it than time on the couch.

In many ways I felt a closer bond to my tatoo artist than my shrink or my physician--go figure. I look at my art and have little regret and only in that I would have placed them a little differently.

I would like to hear more about your choice of design if you would like to share. Hope your art exceeds your expectations.

Gina

 

[Grainne]

Interesting post!! I thought I was the only one...lol (how many times have we said that in our lives??!)

I have two tattoos, both 'marking' the end of something for me. The first I got when I finally escaped my family home at 15. The second I got just this past summer. The second was painful and the location was specifically chosen for that reason. I also wanted, for a moment, to be able to 'control' the pain I felt without hurting myself in a destructive way. It was acutally quite an interesting experience for me. At some points, I would just let the pain overwhelm me (as much as I could anyway, I have a really high pain tolerance) and at other points I would refuse to feel it...and it would just go away. Taught me quite a bit about how I compartmentalize emotionally and physically.

I know it might sound weird, but I actually really enjoyed the experience...the pain in it. I never thought of it a safe (er) way to self harm until now. More things to think about...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
Grainne

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Wow - raising my hand to say I completely understand.

I currently have 3 tattoos and 2 more planned. (I keep them all in "hidable" places). Oddly, normally I do not have a high pain tolerance. But there is something about choosing such a permanent thing to symbolize whatever phase you are at in your life. There is also a type of high for me associated with getting a tattoo - and I'm not a self-harmer (per the defination at least).

Thanks for bringing this subject up - I find it very interesting and wonder if this isn't partly why I'm always thinking and planning for the next one - it's like waiting for that moment to have control over MY body again.

 

[Jagged Angel]

I am also raising my hand to say I understand this one. I have 4 tattoos, all of them rather large, and planning for my next one. Each one of them is symbolic of something in my life and I love them.

Yes, I do believe that tattooing is a form of self-harm, along with piercing (I have 10, four of which are in my ears). Body modification is just another way of taking (back?) control over your body.

 

[ams]

I have three. one of them being 'Love' on my wrist on top of some scars. Getting tattooed felt exactly like cutting did. It was a way to vent, and if I was doing it to intentionally hurt myself I think it'd be destructive, but I'm doing it to remind myself to love my body/myself instead of hurt myself.

 

[growingpains]

If the body is a temple decorate it well? I heard that once and agreed. As AMS said it was a similar feeling to cutting--for me as well. I have 3 tattoos and have had about 8 piercings, 3 piercings which I did myself. I will take any opportunity to "prove" I am strong. Though I do draw the line when it comes to full body artwork such as cat-man and others one might have seen featured in a documentary about extreme body modification. I am totally cool with the being human part.

 

[onebravegirl]

I have three tatts. For the same reasons as you all have mentioned. Do I regret them. Yes but I am not going to frett over it because removing them would create moreof a mess.
I now really do believe that Tatts and multiple piercings can be a matter of self harm. Especially if a person is doing it and enjoying the pain. Mine didn't hurt but that is a side point.
I think that people also use Tatts to mark a time in their life that was significant, but somehow there has to be an alternative too. What is that? Couldn't tell you really. If a person is looking to carry a Tatt as some sort of meritt badge as a symbol of something, let me tell you this...A 20 year old Tatt is NOT near as pretty as when you first get it. Try and imagine Mike Tyson 20 years with that thing onthe side of his face! EeeK! I doubt it will seem that poetic to him then either. Or to his wife or kids.
O

 

[Grainne]

I hear what you are saying OBG, but, my tattoos are not for show. I couldn't care less if they are pretty, because they weren't put there as 'art', they were put there for me (I will note, however, I don't have any tattoos that are obvious when dressed for work). The first tattoo I got was when I was left the streets and started my 'new' life. I was 18 years old so the tattoo is now more than 15 years old. It's faded, of course, and I thought about getting it touched up but I like the original ink. I like the fact that it looks old...it gives me a sense of history that I wouldn't really be able to feel otherwise.

The self harm angle is part of it for me as I find it healing to let myself experience the pain that is in it. I do like the control I feel over the pain....but for me, it's a very personal thing, having tattoos. I know tons of people get tattoos because of trends and styles, and surely, most of those people will end up regretting having the work done, but I've never heard anyone say that they regret, say, a memorial tattoo for someone they lost. Kind of two different things all together, in my opinion.

 

[onebravegirl]

I hear what you are saying OBG, but, my tattoos are not for show. I couldn't care less if they are pretty, because they weren't put there as 'art', they were put there for me (I will note, however, I don't have any tattoos that are obvious when dressed for work). The first tattoo I got was when I was left the streets and started my 'new' life. I was 18 years old so the tattoo is now more than 15 years old. It's faded, of course, and I thought about getting it touched up but I like the original ink. I like the fact that it looks old...it gives me a sense of history that I wouldn't really be able to feel otherwise.

The self harm angle is part of it for me as I find it healing to let myself experience the pain that is in it. I do like the control I feel over the pain....but for me, it's a very personal thing, having tattoos. I know tons of people get tattoos because of trends and styles, and surely, most of those people will end up regretting having the work done, but I've never heard anyone say that they regret, say, a memorial tattoo for someone they lost. Kind of two different things all together, in my opinion.

I agree. They tell a story. And mine almost seem like old friends now. Ugly, faded, slightly stretched out, friends...
Haha
O

 

[Grainne]

LOL!!!! Exactly.... ;)