Tattooing As An "Acceptable" Form Of Self-Harm

[Jestadud]

I had a tattoo done when I was having therapy.
It was like an epithany, I suddenly knew what I wanted, where I wanted it on my body and it became an urgent need to find it.
I didn't tell my therapist who I liked and felt was helping me a lot because I was concerned she might consider it self harming.

After visiting 5 tattooist I found a picture that was a close enough match for what I wanted and had it done.
I feel that without the pain it would be insignificant.
Mine combined three events for me. The ptsd one, my 50th birthday and my 25th Wedding anniversary.
What I had done is an Angel like figure with a ribbon draped around her resting on my right shoulder. I included on a small part of the ribbon my wifes name as she had always wanted me to have her name done, her name is Mary so it fits well with the theme.

Prior to this I had two tattoos one on each forearm which I had done when I was 15. Not sure why I had these done but have never regreted them, they are part of me.

I told my therapist about it before we came to the end of our sessions as it felt dishonest to be keeping something hidden from her.

 

[gdf]

When I got the first one, I eventually told my therapist that I had done it several weeks after it had healed. Our brief discussion about it ended with him stating I had "traded one secret for another," which is true I suppose.

Gina

 

[somerandomguy]

I was in a "bodymod" community for several years and never have I seen a more negative place - full of people who were killing themselves by proxy by tattooing, piercing, scarifying, and literally mutilating themselves.

That said, getting a tattoo can be an extremely positive thing. It depends on the intent. But people who get tattoos for the sake of getting tattoos ... often there's pathology there.

 

[Grainne]

Interesting take on that Somerandomguy...I wondered what your thoughts might be on this thread.

I just went to get some more work done on Wednesday. My artist is amazing and she has designed a full back piece for me that I am doing bit by bit over a few years (that way, I can stop at any time if it seems to be getting to be too much - I'm quite conscious of the 'too many tattoos' syndrome. They are very addictive for me but the very last thing I want is to end up a walking art show).

Anyway, my point: I love getting the work done, not only because I get to carry a beautiful, sentimental and person piece of art work under my clothes where no one knows about it but me...but also because of the 'pain'. I said earlier that I have a huge pain tolerance and tattoos don't actually *hurt* me much but there's something in that easy kind of pain that is comforting to me. I have never been a self harmer, but, I have always been one to look for other sources of pain to help me express some of what I'm feeling. Kind of like the boxing reference above, I've been in full contact karate, high impact aerobics, really intense games of squash five nights a week etc. All attempts to experience some sort of limit...some sort of exhaustion or body pain that allows me a moment to feel something other than what I feel inside all the time. It becomes a bit of a portal for me...a way to express the things I can't in words or feelings.

I'm sure I'll learn healthier ways of expressing my feelings as my journey continues, but for now, this is me.

 

[Llama]

Pain releases endorphins that, along with assisting pain relief, gives a person a feeling of euphoria.

In addition to decreased feelings of pain, secretion of endorphins leads to feelings of euphoria, modulation of appetite, release of sex hormones, and enhancement of the immune response. With high endorphin levels, we feel less pain and fewer negative effects of stress. Endorphins have been suggested as modulators of the so-called "runner's high" that athletes achieve with prolonged exercise. While the role of endorphins and other compounds as potential triggers of this euphoric response has been debated extensively by doctors and scientists, it is at least known that the body does produce endorphins in response to prolonged, continuous exercise.

*From Medicinenet.com

There are some healthy ways to go about getting this endorphin rush that don't involve self-harm (such as exercise as per the quote) and then there is the more controversial Masochistic half of the SM duo. Not self-harm as it is someone else doing it to you, in a consensual act (and hopefully safe and sane as well) and if done correctly will leave no lasting harm.

After one of the too many car accidents I've been in I disturbed everyone around me by saying that it was fun and I wanted to do it again!. Endorphins are an incredibly powerful and wonderful thing to those of us who need chemical help in order to feel good about life, but can be just as addictive as any illegal substance.

 

[Grainne]

Llama...that's very interesting!!! I was also in a bad car accident once and I can remember it like it happened yesterday. Whenever I talk about it, aside from recognising how lucky I was to have not been badly hurt, I tell people that it was such an amazing feeling...that moment when the other car struck and my vehicle picked up the momentum of the impact. Not a 'good' feeling, exactly, but a very very very very very alive one.

:) thanks for posting that info.

 

[Marlene]

I got my tattoo when my life was spinning down the PTSD drain. I didn't know why I felt like I did at that time, but I do now. BTW-my tattoo is my avatar. It's on my left shoulder. I got it the summer before my breakdown. I had all of this free-floating fear that I just couldn't deal with. I didn't know where the fear was coming from, I just knew it was overwhelming me. I decided to fight fire with fire-since I'd wanted a tattoo but was afraid of the pain-and went and had it done. Actually it did help to dissapate the fear for quite a while. So when I look at it I see me overcoming a lot of fear.

I've thought about having a second one on my right shoulder done. It would be the small Batman shape from the Dark Knight movie. At the end of the movie his friend tells him (after she finds out he's Batman) that Bruce Wayne is his mask, is the mask he puts on for the world and Batman, his dark side, is who he really is. That really stuck in my head. Maybe one day I'll have it done.

Lisa

 

[rjtransient]

somerandomguy - The BME community scares me a little, to be honest. I've had friends who were deeply into body modification (scarification, scalpelling, suspension, piercing everything) and a good majority of them did have body issues and claimed to enjoy the pain. Not that I'd ever want to pathologize the entire community based on what I've seen, of course. It's just that the mindset is completely foreign to me.

Grainne - Ooh, a full back piece. Sounds amazing. I've a seen a girl with black wings tattooed onto her back, and when I was having stitches removed in October I ran into a guy who had black ink spiralling down his left arm. (He was completely "normal" looking otherwise.) I'd love to go for something like that.

I think you're describing the feeling of the sublime. As I mentioned way, way earlier in this thread, my first body mod (branding) is supposed to be intensely painful, but I was looking forward to the endorphin rush. It's an intense experience. For fifteen minutes nothing in the world exists other than the sensation and your focus on controlling your breathing. When it's all finished, the high is like none other. Pain and fear are nothing.

Marlene - I can relate. I got my first design recently after experiencing the worst series of events in my life (late 2009). I was nearly suicidal. I needed a personal symbol and a visual reminder to keep fighting after everything I've already survived.

 

[gdf]

Hi Grainne,

"Me" is not such a bad place to be sonetimes, Huh? ; )

Gina

 

[gdf]

Cool symbol Marlene, what does it mean if you'd want to share? Gina

 

[Marlene]

Cool symbol Marlene, what does it mean if you'd want to share? Gina

It's called a Celtic triskele. It's supposed to represent the three phases of a woman's life...maiden, mother, crone. I liked it and liked the connection to my Celtic roots. Plus now (since I'm a grandmother now for two years) I'm sliding on that slippery slope towards cronehood I figure it's even more appropriate for me.

Lisa

 

[gdf]

"I got my tattoo when my life was spinning down the PTSD drain. I didn't know why I felt like I did at that time, but I do now."

I felt much the same way and my little cluster of tatoos gave the same kind of emphasis in life...a kind of control over SOMETHING. Now that I am starting to make progress I look at it and find it a bitter-sweet reminder of what life was like a meer year and a half ago. But I look at it and like it still for that very reason 'cause in a way, it helped save me.

I never would have looked at yours and guessed that that is what it meant. I think they have meanings for us that go beyond the "flash" itself. Like ancient symbols on a cave wall they are left in a place hidden away enough that only those who really care enough to sincerely want to connect with us can really see them.

Gina