Sexual Assault Tea, consent, and the marriage bed

[anonymous]

so this is rape because he coerced you

Yes, absolutely, I finally 'gave in' so I wouldn't have to listen to his begging and pleading anymore, even, felt guilty so just let him do it anyway. It doesn't matter..I didn't want it in the first place, if I was with a guy who just came to bed and went to sleep then I wouldn't have had to do it at all. It's being manipulated into doing it when you don't want to. It's therefore an abusive relationship, and yes, rape.

 

[Deadman]

Confusing and confounding.

Very.

are there things I was complicit in doing at that point?

That question breaks my heart. I don't think anyone can answer that for you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just blindly DID because saying no meant that I had about a 40/60 chance of things getting ugly.

This, this is what makes it rape. Because you knew that if you didn't, it WOULD get ugly. He had already made you aware of that previously. That IS rape, and that IS abuse.

Let me put it in my trauma. This WILL be graphic.

I was forced to kill animals. I refused the first few hundred times. This was an every day sort of thing, a few "special" days it was a few times a day. If I refused or resisted, I would he held under water in the bath tub until I almost passed out or did pass out. I was cut down there. I was locked in a closet for days. I was chained up. And many other things. I was punished for non-compliance. Same with sex. Same with it all. If I did not willing do it, I paid the price for it.

Eventually I would kill the animals willingly. Why? Because I knew what would happen if I didn't. Same with the sex with the men. Same with prostitition and every other ritual they came up with.

Question: Did I willingly kill animals or was I a monster for willingly killing them? With the sex, was I raped? I didn't say no. Was that rape? Take being a child out of it. Was I raped? Was I a monster for killing the animals? This took me FOREVER to get.

The answer is no I wasn't a monster and yes it was rape. Why? Because I it was done under threat as I had already paid the consequence for not going along with it. Your issue is no different. You already paid that consequence for it. You said yes OUT OF THREAT. Past threat but threat nonetheless. THAT makes it rape.

 

[anonymous]

Fact Sheet: Wife Rape...

Is there anything it's his duty to do whether he likes it or not? You think when she tells me to do something there's no threat implied? You think she can't hurt me without raising her hand to me?

 

[Deadman]

I don't know why anyone wants to have sex with a non enthusiastic partner.

100%. I don't understand how anyone can have sex without knowing their partner wants them too.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@anonymous That's your perspective. Mine is, if he begs, pleads, moans and groans cause he wants sex and I don't feel like it, but I give in..... I gave in to shut his mouth so I could get some needed sleep. I don't consider it rape at all.......

 

[desiderata310]

@anonymous

Is there anything it's his duty to do whether he likes it or not?

I'm trying to sort out what you mean by this post but my guess is that you are male and are talking about role reversal and rape/abuse?

You think when she tells me to do something there's no threat implied?

My guess is there IS threat implied.
I'm pretty sure she CAN hurt you without lifting a finger.
This is thread was not just written to answer my specific questions but to be a continuing conversation I hope you will be more specific and talk about what is going on.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm thinking there might be others out there that feel like this is a difficult concept as well. PERSONALLY I'm trying to figure out if I ever had normal interactions.

I have a lot of trouble with this concept also. I don't think it's cut-and-dried at all.

And I think it can't be considered without taking all the detail of a situation fully into account

Its pretty clear to me. What am I missing?

You might not have had a relationship that you believed was healthy at one time, or you had tangible reasons (like kids) making it more complicated.

It is a lot easier to blame yourself than know you had no control

Thats so true, and just important to remember. What it makes me think about is the nuance of each moment to moment, in a sexual context where you have made a series of choices to end up where you are. And how the only two options aren't self-blame...being angry at yourself for 'letting yourself' be victimized. (I'm using quotes around that because it's a complicated concept)

There was an established relationship between us and since I never offered up a fight- even though I WANTED NONE OF IT- I don't know how to look at it other than a painful and shameful event. Not rape.

I have experienced something like this.

Ok, outside of adult/child, I still called my ex afterwards and even went over there to "let him" have sex with me after I had left. Because people feel a connection with their abusers. But that doesn't erase the fact that it was abuse.

Do you mean it was abuse for you to call your abuser and go over there to have sex with him? I don't quite understand.

I have a hyper sexual sex drive (super hyper - where most men cannot keep up with me) but still, he is totally in his right to say no, verbally or not

Are you bragging about most men not being able to 'keep up'? How is that relevant to the topic?

And if they can't keep up - have you ever coerced someone into continuing?

 

[desiderata310]

Are you really comparing a taking out the trash to rape?

PRETTY sure anon is NOT doing that. I didn't pick up victim blaming in the statement.
I said at the beginning I won't stand for that on this post and I meant it.

 

[anonymous]

I gave in to shut his mouth so I could get some needed sleep

I feel incredibly sad for you if that's how you live :(

 

[Deleted member 541]

@anonymous. Don't, it usually ended up being good sex!!!!!

 

[anonymous]

My guess is there IS threat implied.
I'm pretty sure she CAN hurt you without lifting a finger.
This is thread was not just written to answer my specific questions but to be a continuing conversation I hope you will be more specific and talk about what is going on.

I am actually in a reversed role situation and I can't be more specific because I can't talk about it really. Men and boys can be abused by women. (sexually abused as well though technically not raped I guess) Yes and thank you so much for the whole conversation.

Rape causes PTSD. Are you really comparing a taking out the trash to rape?

No but a boy can get PTSD from his mother's abuse and I guess I sorta would compare that to rape :(