Teacher Told Me To Abuse My Kid.

[Loveneverfails]

I already wrote this in my trauma diary but I guess I'm just too upset and need to 'yell' about it in public. My son this year decided he hated the morning bus and would either lay down on the road or on the steps of the bus itself making it impossible for the bus to leave and he absolutely refused to actually get on it. (he's in preschool) The teachers response to this was to deny him the right to school when he did this and have him sit in a chair doing nothing for the two hours school went on.

I didn't do this because it just seemed like something I couldn't do. Given my history, I would have cried the entire time if I tried. I took him to school instead until he showed interest in giving it another try. Well at a parenting class I found out from a social worker that would have constituted abuse as it would have denied his right to an education and was very serious. I'm relieved I didn't do it but I'm so upset that a teacher with degrees and decades of experience would give me such dangerous advice.

 

[Eleanor]

It is a really really strange suggestion. I guess my first response would be "why doesn't he want to get on the bus?" Is it about the bus or school? I'm guessing he has a pretty good reason, although it may be a bit tricky to figure out what it is. (People? fumes? car sick? Scared of other cars? Something spooked him at school? Lots of possible targets here....) Ride along a time or three to find out?

Just cuz people have a position or letters after their names doesn't make them experts or even sensible. More's the pity. :-(

 

[Loveneverfails]

Just cuz people have a position or letters after their names doesn't make them experts or even sensible.

It seemed to me he just didn't like the bus driver. (I didn't like him either, he was grumpy and rude on several occasions to other parents) But it also had to do with not wanting to leave his sister who went at a later time. I just feel like this teacher would be educated to know what abuse was defined as so that she could spot it and instead of telling me something that might actually help, she advised something that could have seriously impacted both my son's and my life. I wasn't the only parent at the class who mentioned troubling behavior and it makes me seriously wonder about the safety of my children in public schools.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Yeah, that is stupid and terrible advice. It's not something you want to put on your kids shoulders. 'You are a bad kid so I am taking away your school and social time.'

Are you sure he is not being made fun of on the bus by other kids? That was my first brain wave on the matter.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So now, essentially a "time out" is considered abuse. Honestly I think you need to get a grip and stop blowing this out of proportion. He was misbehaving; the teacher suggested a time out. Nothing more.

And honestly, he's in preschool. A lot of kids don't go to preschool. Heck, a lot of kids don't go to school period (around the world). In the US, preschool isn't mandated, at least where I live.

I think you need to take off your PTSD glasses and stop seeing things as abusive when they aren't. (You and other respondents as well....)

Good god, lets have that teacher FIRED for being abusive! Gasp, she suggested a time out! .....you do that and parents will be left with no way to discipline kids. It'll be a free for all. Any sort of punitive behavior will be construed as abusive.

 

[Loveneverfails]

He was misbehaving; the teacher suggested a time out. Nothing more.

No she did not suggest a time out. She suggested I deny my kid a day at school and to spend two and a half hours sitting in a chair doing nothing(this child also is considered to have a learning disability). Does that sound like a time out to you? And I discussed this matter with social workers who work for DES(child services) and they were the ones who told me this, I did not jump to conclusions on my own. Thanks for your input SOL, but criticizing and ridiculing other members for reacting to a situation is hardly helpful.

Also, according to the common consensus of what a time out is accepted to be is one minuter per year of age. He's four. And CPS does consider losing a day of school for disciplinary purposes to be abusive, whether that school is mandated or not.

p.s. I should also add that I did NOT seek any disciplinary action against this teacher at all. I did not formally report her. I asked a question when the stipulations of violating a childs rights were discussed in a class I am taking.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

Like others, I would try to figure out why he is so admantly refusing to ride the bus. Even if there is not a problem per se on the bus, the bus might serve as a symbol to something that is frigtening/bothering him at preschool. Is this behavior something new? Did he once accept riding the bus without any problems, yet, now his abhorrence of it is something new?

I'm not sure what a resolution would be because if your son is impeding the bus' schedule to get the kids to preschool, then that's a problem too.

Is the school denying your son attendance? What I mean is, if the bus-riding situation can't be resolved, can you or a friend/family member drop him off and pick him up? If even that (if it's allowed) is bothersome to him, I'd worry about something that might have happened during school itself -- rather than it merely being a "bus" problem.

I certainly wish you the best in figuring out what is at the core of his behavior. Kids that age don't have the kind of mental processing and verbal skills to easily explain what's happening. What a tough situation. Best for the future.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Did he once accept riding the bus without any problems, yet, now his abhorrence of it is something new?

He did a very good job at the beginning of the year but his class changed to the morning time because he needed time on his own to learn since he and his sister were teaming up and causing problems for other children(especially on the bus). When asked he explained that it wasn't fun on his new bus. I encouraged him to make friends with another child who lived near us and rode the same bus and he started doing okay again. It was only the morning bus that was a problem, not the bus that took him home. During the time that he would not get on the bus I took him to school and the afternoon bus took him home. I am worried about how he'll handle it next year, but I'm still very upset about the teachers advice.

 

[Eleanor]

So he is riding the bus again now without trouble?

Clearly,what the teacher recommended was not a "time out," nor was it likely to be effective. I am not sure keeping a kid away from school is "abuse" in the usual sense - although keeping a four year old still and quiet in a chair for several hours would be, since it would require a level of coercion that is clearly uncalled for and inappropriate. So it is odd that the teacher said something like this. Have you had any further conversation with her? Would it be worth your while to go ask a question: "I was wondering what your thinking was when you suggested...?" if you could ask in a neutral tone, you might learn something about the teacher in question. It would either reassure you ("OH goodness, no, of course you should never think of such a thing! I was having a bad day and was feeling very short tempered...") or give you cause for concern that would lead to your keeping a closer eye on his class...

 

[Loveneverfails]

So he is riding the bus again now without trouble?

It's touch and go. Some days he'll get on with no problem, some days he won't. I might talk to her about it, although I'm a coward when it comes to confrontation. I can handle it when it comes to my door step, but when it comes to seeking out a possible discussion...I panic. I'll think seriously about it and if it will help sooth my feelings on the matter though, thanks for the idea and support Eleanor.

 

[Eleanor]

It doesn't have to be a confrontation, if it helps, just think of it as idle chatter. "So," LNF said musingly, "I was thinking about what you said the other day... and I was wondering ....?"

Keep your ears open (as I know you will!) with your son, you'll get it sorted out eventually. There are likely several things going on. I expect you are a pretty good detective.

 

[HëllaBubz]

All it takes is re-arranging a few sentences to show how someone's logic is f*cked.

Forgive the comparison, but my first thought is that a four year old is similar somewhat to that of a puppy, where a punishment of that caliber will not be connected by the child with their behaviour, and is as such, totally inappropriate.

If I put a pup in a corner for going to the bathroom where he know's he is not supposed to, then for a few minutes, he is going to connect the 'punishment' with the 'behavior', but not for 2 bloody hours!

So as far as I'm concerned, perhaps your own views with regards to your post could use the following advice.

Honestly I think you need to get a grip and stop blowing this out of proportion.

I think you need to take off your PTSD glasses and stop seeing things as abusive when they aren't.

Making someone second guess themselves based off an illness that has nothing to do with it in this circumstance is illogical, unfair and smacks of, for lack of a better word, poor behavior.

And honestly, he's in preschool.

Based off this statement alone, your logic is flawed in backing the teacher in their behaviour, regardless of how naughty a child may be, putting them in a chair without a debrief on 'innapropriate behaviour' and then denying them education for a day is folly.

Thanks for your input SOL, but criticizing and ridiculing other members for reacting to a situation is hardly helpful.

I like how this was handled.
It may sound like I have a vendetta, but I personally had to deal with a rather unfair, judgmental and poorly informed comment from SOL the other day about my getting a Service Dog.

I have let that one go because it wasn't worth it, but attacking a mother who is concerned about a teacher's behavior is poor form in anyone's book, and that was a final straw for me.

If you have something to say, have a constructive and non emotive tone to it, and back up your attitude about someone else's behavior.

Otherwise it's just that, attitude.