Techniques To Stay In The Moment And Hold On To Your Emotions

[falling]

MY Therapist says I may have been pushing my feelings away since I've been a small girl due to emotional and physical abuse I experienced at that time. All through out my life I've had a hard time connecting with people and have struggled with my inability to 'feel'. I've been in abusive relationships since and have struggled with self worth. Now, it kinda all makes sense. I thought I was just an introvert but it's much deeper. I didn't feel loved as a child. I have memories of my Mother hating it when I would cry and would say-why are you crying? I'll give you something to cry about. So, I learned to turn off my emotions early on.

In my college years I had very low self worth and lived a self destructive lifestyle. Eventually I was drugged and raped which completely set off my PTSD. Since then I've been on robot mode. I had a child who is now 5yrs old. And I'm struggling to allow myself to feel emotions even towards her. I tell her I love her everyday and hug and kiss her and cuddle and make sure she gets what I did not growing up. BUT....I find myself struggling to feel it. I cuddle her but I don't want to. I make myself do it. And when I am cuddling her I "check out". I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed about this but I have to face it and deal with it. During other times of play I find it very hate to connect with her. I love her and would do anything for her but I am worried about my inability to 'feel' the love.

My T has given asked me to watch an emotional movie and try to allow myself to 'feel' and maybe even cry. I usually avoid those movies. As, I told her I don't make a conscious choice to go numb or turn off my feelings I simply have no control over it. But, I will try.

Does anyone else struggle with this?Have any suggestions of techniques I could try to keep a hold of my emotions? Stay in the moment?

This is so frustrating.....

 

[bell]

Trying is a good first step! :)

All my emotions were shut off, too, and only just last year did I begin to regain them. Let me tell you first, though, that it's super weird to feel if haven't felt in awhile. I know I'm onto a new feeling or something these days if a few tears sneak out, as I'm still working on regulating my emotions.

For me, when all this first started, I clung on like heck to any good feelings that I had and just sat with them. No judgement, no hurry, just sat with them- instead of drowning them out with a distraction or something. Of course that meant that sometimes bad emotions would stir up, too. (A lot less fun!) And the longer that I sat with them, the more I began to reconnect with myself.

I also found being mindful of where I was and who I was with was really helpful, too. For example, if I was hanging out with a friend, beforehand, I'd remind myself of what a good friendship I have, how I want to be there for her, how I want to be present/be a witness to all of her emotions and feelings. And if it was a good friend that I loved, I took notice of how I felt around them. And let that good feeling radiate. (Which also led to tears sometimes, too, as I began to realize that my emotions were flooding me.)

Those were the two things (sitting with my emotions, being mindful) that helped me progress the most, and are the two I still use. It's a tough road, but it's so worth it to really honestly feel again! Oh! And yoga helped me regain a good relationship with my body, which had been terrible for almost 20 years thanks to an assault, so you may find that helpful?

 

[Pietro]

First of all, ditto to everything Bell said. :)

Same process for me -- had to find my emotions again. After 9 months, I have them now, but I'm still not entirely comfortable with them, although I'm getting there.

Your story of growing-up sounds very similar to mine. A big part of the reason my emotions were so locked-up is because I considered them a form of weakness. And expressing them was equivalent to offering my jugular vein to anyone who wanted to do harm to me. This was very difficult to get past. Even harder was learning self-compassion. Once you find this, the rest comes much more quickly.

It is very frustrating, and it's a very long, LONG process. ;) Give yourself time, and be patient with yourself. It's worth it.

 

[ms spock]

Looking into mindfulness mediation might be of interest to you.

 

[falling]

Thanks to you both. Bell I will try the things you do-reminding yourself the value of close relationships. And Pietro-self-compassion is a tough one. I feel like it's kind of feeling sorry for yourself and then I remind myself that there are many more ppl out there that have had worse experiences than me so I am then unwilling to really feel sad for myself. i dunno.....

 

[falling]

I have looked into mediation but have not tried it yet. When I'm not busy being Mom (single parent too) or working full time or running a household I'm COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED. And then mediation is the last thing on my mind. but it's on my list of things to try.

 

[Pietro]

I feel like it's kind of feeling sorry for yourself and then I remind myself that there are many more ppl out there that have had worse experiences than me so I am then unwilling to really feel sad for myself. i dunno.....

:) Yup -- same here. I've had many discussions with folks on this forum about this exact same thing. I was going to even say something about it, but didn't want to assume. ;)

It's not really about feeling sorry for yourself, it's giving yourself permission to feel your emotions, no matter what they are. It's allowing yourself to be sad when you feel sad. It's acknowledging times when you feel something you consider to be horrible, and instead of trying to suppress the feeling, you let it flow in all of its horribleness, so that you can work on it effectively. And even when you do want to feel sorry for yourself, you let yourself do it -- it doesn't have to be a permanent perspective. Sometimes, a good rant is necessary. (This is actually something I've only started doing recently, in fact.) I think this is part of the "mindfulness" that Ms Spock mentioned.

There's nothing anyone can say or do to make this happen -- it occurs on its own, as you work through things. I had an "a-ha" moment, where I finally understood, and broke-down crying like a baby. ;) But it didn't all just change instantly at that point -- this happened 7 months ago, and I'm still working on improving this.

Whenever I have difficulty getting to my emotions, I have a simply trick that works for me -- I imagine how I'd feel if my young children ever had to be subjected to what I had to grow-up with. Never fails.

 

[bell]

It's not really about feeling sorry for yourself, it's giving yourself permission to feel your emotions, no matter what they are. It's allowing yourself to be sad when you feel sad. It's acknowledging times when you feel something you consider to be horrible, and instead of trying to suppress the feeling, you let it flow in all of its horribleness, so that you can work on it effectively.

I'd like this on a bumper sticker, please. ;)

Well said, @Pietro.

 

[Abstract]

Falling,
I think how you have reacted and the habits you have developed are totally understandable and I relate to much of it. Family messages and experiences that punish emotions and discourage the development of connection and understanding of emotions cause an enormous amount of real problems that can have a negative affect on very many aspects of someones life and safety.

I recommend a book called: Dont Let Your Emotions Run Your Life ISBN-10: 1572243090 There are also a lot of information and lessons on the website I gave you a link to.

What helped was to understand the theory of emotion and what the different emotions roles are and then just consciously check in all the time and name the emotions. That and very importantly not fighting them - radical acceptance changed my life. As the others have said MIndfulness is such a helpful concept for this.

I had to develop new habits and new habits take a lot of practice to develop. The most helpful thing I did that helped this was diary writing every single day and going over my experiences and thinking of what I should have been feeling and trying to let those feeligs out. That and looking at doing the same thing all the time during the day.

It seems to me that the numbness is almost like a blocked pipe in some respects. I find if I can get a little through then the rest is much more likely to happen. But I had to stop being phobic about emotions, especially anger, first. I was so phobic about anger that it had a very negative impact on my life in many ways.

I love that you are so motivated to do something about this for your daughter. There are some lovely books for children about emotions by the way. Helping them to name and acknowledge them.

ere are many more ppl out there that have had worse experiences than me

I think this is a very helpful one and one that many of us who have been shamed or targeted for having emotions develop. Other peoples emotions and experiences are irrelevant to yours. They have a right to experience their emotions about their experiences in their own individual way and you have a right to do the same. Emotions are not wrong. They may be unhelpful in certain situations and we may want to work through them but they are not wrong and stopping them doesn't seem to work in a health sense. Attempting to evaluate them tends to be a result of having that experience in various ways as a child. I have enormous problems with this still.

 

[ms spock]

That and very importantly not fighting them - radical acceptance changed my life. As the others have said Mindfulness is such a helpful concept for this.

Mindfulness does take a lot of time and attention. I am working on this. I still have a long way to go with it.

I had to develop new habits and new habits take a lot of practice to develop.

They certainly do.

It seems to me that the numbness is almost like a blocked pipe in some respects. I find if I can get a little through then the rest is much more likely to happen. But I had to stop being phobic about emotions, especially anger, first. I was so phobic about anger that it had a very negative impact on my life in many ways.

How did you do this Abstract?

Other peoples emotions and experiences are irrelevant to yours. They have a right to experience their emotions about their experiences in their own individual way and you have a right to do the same. Emotions are not wrong. They may be unhelpful in certain situations and we may want to work through them but they are not wrong and stopping them doesn't seem to work in a health sense. Attempting to evaluate them tends to be a result of having that experience in various ways as a child. I have enormous problems with this still.

I keep being stuck in certain emotions so I relate to having problems with this still.

 

[falling]

What helped was to understand the theory of emotion and what the different emotions roles are and then just consciously check in all the time and name the emotions.

I'm doing research and reading more about the theory of emotion. I'm going to also try to "check in" with myself and how I feel more often once I get a hold on my depression. Right now I'm simply not feeling anything and am struggling to keep going. Everyday is more exhausting than the next.

Thank you tho for your tips and book suggestion. And I have been reading a lot from the link you gave me in a different thread. Who knows maybe tomorrow will be the day that I wake up and actually feel refreshed after sleep. Fingers crossed.

 

[Tinyflame]

I try now to notice how my body is reacting, to name or acknowledge what I feel. Then I try to figure out if what I feel (if it is negative) is because of being triggered and relates to the past and not in truth relevant to the present.

I find it helps to 'say' what I'm feeling out loud. And as the others have said not to condemn myself for it.

I think emotional pain is one of the most difficult to deal with from lack of practise, trying to 'stuff it', instead, perhaps?

Best wishes and peace to you falling.