The big black hole that is isolation.

[maddog]

Oh Abstract, you have all of my pained, and painful, empathy. Your post touched me somewhere deep and raw - somewhere I've been wallowing and stuck myself a lot lately. The harsh separateness of my world from what feels like everyone else's is the silent lurking mood plummetter that is only ever a breath away. Wish I knew what else to say.

Maddog

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, not much to say either, except that I DO think you are really living, if one can get through when it is the very worst. When (and it will) improve the difference will be astounding. Like someone (KP I think?) said here, "Be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself".

((((((((((((((Biggest of hugs))))))))))))) :hug:

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Yes I know this intimately. I was an extrovert once....

It is my opinion that you're doing the best that you can. Like someone else said, reminding ourselves that it is ptsd keeps us swimming above that line. And remember what Anthony said before, we will never go all the way down because we "want to survive".

I spent so much time alone, confined as a kid by an abusive step father...where I played board games and card games with myself. I literally acted as each player and carried conversations with myself. As an adult, I have a huge yearning to have that buddy to do everything with but people just don't seem to want that. It's discouraging and causes me to isolate further because it re-confirms what my step father said about me.

I don't know if this even comes close to what you describe. I also isolate because I feel like I'm a freak. The symptoms that arise when I'm out there in the world and not having anyone in person truly understand is so hard. People leave me when I isolate no matter how much I try to be so transparent and honest about what I experience.

Anyway, I really really just want someone to play with because I never got to do that but because people have responded so poorly to my "neediness", it has pushed me even further into isolation. I'm always left thinking what's the point. It's really tough when I feel like I have to fake it in life. What I mean is, it's not normal for me anymore to just go with the flow, I can't have one conversation with someone without being affected by a trigger. I can't go one place without it overwhelming me.

Please forgive me if this doesn't make any sense or doesn't have anything to do with what you posted about. I think I just rambled quite a bit.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Stronger I relate so much to your last post.

I wonder if two people who grew up with that isolation and have that neediness to share could be good together, or if that's a recipe for codependency. I say this because sometimes I think those are the people I need to find, others who grew up with such isolation and crave connection in a similar way.

No matter how lonely I get, I don't accept that it's a natural state for anyone. Loneliness causes real physical and emotional problems. It sucks.

I'm not adding anything useful. Sorry.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

You added something useful. You said you can relate. That is so validating to read!!

My husband isn't anywhere near as needy as I am. He grew up with crews of friends, etc. He does have some levels of neediness though and doesn't chastise me for being needy, which is nice but he is the ONLY one lol

I got moved around so many times growing up. I don't really have those friends I've known for years. I have a couple from my adult life but they are in other states.

I agree. I don't believe it's a natural state either. I believe we were created to be in relationship with others. It's unfortunate we live in a society that idolizes independence so much and alienates/is unacceptable of the vast differences in people.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I moved around a lot, and had no family other than my mother, who traumatized me. Its been real hard dealing with this total lack of roots. I feel im so needy that out of shame at how unacceptable this is, I turned away from people several years ago and have become a recluse. It sucks.

Maybe come say hi on my diary if you can relate to the neediness isolation thing. Not meaning to threadjack here

 

[DharmaGirl]

Have you tried this? Has anyone tried this?

I have, and I end up being isolated except for my family, which is not supposed to be good for you.

It is like I start feeling like a figment of my own imagination; a rumour someone made up.

I feel like that. The person who never really was. I hate this and I don't want it anymore. I want to respond to lots of posts but I get too tired and can't even do that.

 

[stephanie44]

I think I isolate because I feel different from other people. Sometimes I feel like a child in an adult body and that I am faking it as well. I feel like there's something wrong with me and sometimes I don't know how to get out of that feeling. I agree that being with people when you are not feeling great is very tiring. I wish I had a better answer.