The Concept Of An Inner Child... Not Really Buying It

[Valentino]

I was initially not very fond of the 'inner child' theories, but they do offer a pretty good pointer towards what I like to think of as our emotional body, emotional self, heart, child like wonder, deep desires & wants, etc.

It is obvious for the physical body to grow up and mature, the mental body matures with education and learning from experiences, but for many people their emotional body never grows up much, stays immature, doesn't mature.

Instead what often happens is people just get better at using more advanced mental strategies to avoid growing emotionally. Complex defense mechanisms and coping strategies so that we can become better at avoiding, distracting, and numbing ourselves from uncomfortable emotions and feelings. We end up creating a long history of selectively allowing positive and pleasant emotions, and trying to stop, limit, hide, and shut down negative uncomfortable emotions. Totally trying to avoid hurt.

An emotion is simply an energy that the nervous system feels, and then the mind tries to interpret. If it's a strong emotion, it calls for more attention by the mind. The mind then can add story to that emotion to try to decide whether to allow it or hold onto it. If the mind doesn't like it, it tries to create a story (defense mechanism) to limit it, stop it, filter it, numb it, distract from it, hide from it.

What happens with strong negative emotions, is that the mind adds a story, stops the flow of energy, now creating a sort of energetic pain bubble in the nervous system. The emotional energy wants to be felt and then leave the body, but the mind stops it dead in it's tracts. Short term, the mind feels better, but long term, the nervous system now has this pain bubble.

Then what happens is a pattern develops of consistent energetic pain bubbles bunching around other unresolved negative emotional energy, the mind being very creative and imaginative can now create a sort of semi-independent identity around this big bunch of unresolved emotional energy (pain body). Then there's almost another level of emotional pain to deal with, the pain that comes from trying to avoid dealing with personality that develops from this 'pain body entity' in our nervous system.

Back to the inner child or child labels; emotions are just messages from the body, there isn't much independent intelligence within an emotion. Our mind adds a story to the emotion, bunches it up along with other similar past unresolved emotions, which gives it a very limited intelligence, making it appear semi-independent. So in a practical way, that pain body acts very much like a small child. Because children have very immature undeveloped emotional and mental maturity.

... We can grow up to be physically outwardly very old and mature, but our mental or emotional bodies can still be very childlike and immature.

 

[Tinyflame]

I do not grasp the inner child theory, but I do agree with ericaboo's thoughts entirely. An authentic true self and heart, without defenses, pretense or much of the need to shut-down or techniques required to survive in otherwise past environments.

I guess, looking back at (ourselves) as children, it's impossible to not acknowledge the vulnerability. Therefore perhaps inner child work equates as was said to being able to accept, in a continuum, the feelings or knowledge or empathy or understanding of ourselves looking back to learn (or even validate) what has contributed to how and why we feel what we do now. Self-understanding, and perhaps learning self-empathy. To recognize what was happening or happened then, how it impacts on us now, and then find ways to meet that need, or at least recognize and acknowledge the oftentimes profound impact it had on us.

 

[shell]

I feel like a child as soon as I start talking about and actually connect with what happened to me from a toddler, right through until 18. I want to hide behind a chair, and sit on the floor where no-one can see me, it is as if I am right back there with all the shame and horror of what happened.

Relating to the "inner child" helped me to understand that she wasn't to blame for her abuse, and to stop self abusing myself with continuous put downs. The child I was, continuously reacts to what is happening in my life now and is constantly threatened, in a way no adult would be, because logically it is not threatening at this time. The child in me runs the show when I am triggered.

I would find it only relevant if the trauma happened as a child.

 

[Lucycat]

My T suggested I read up on Structural Dissociation'. This helped me understand the whole concept and seems a more adult explanation of explaining the different behaviours exhibited by trauma sufferers at different times.

I do think there is a difference in the psychological consequences for a child compared to a young adult as others have said it is all about the developing brain. However if the 20 year old has a previous history of trauma as a young child the effect may be different again. If the 20 year old felt like a child then I think the effect on them would be similar to that of a child.

I am not sure I am being clear here.

 

[Hashi]

Thank you for all your thoughts. I'm going to have to come back and respond when I have more time and focus. I've been reading through them and they're giving me a lot to think about, some questions too. This is so helpful.

I think I wasn't clear. I have experienced a lot of trauma as a child. I'm comparing my own experience as a child with my own experience as a 20 year old.

 

[JustBe]

Hashi, Thank you for starting this thread. I am learning so much! :hug:

 

[Pietro]

If that authentic person underneath could feel safe enough to come out, I could live a lighter, more joyful existence - theoretically....

I don't think this is theoretical at all -- I think you're absolutely right. :) This is probably the greatest struggle for me -- finding my *authentic* identity, and living as my true self.

Self-understanding, and perhaps learning self-empathy.

I think this hits the nail right on the head, from how it has been described to me by some therapists.

 

[therapybankrupt]

This may not work for everyone. All I can say is my inner children are helping set me free! They held all the secrets and without their continued cooperation and permission with doing EMDR. I would not have made such immense progress. In the beginning I thought it was ridiculous and stupid. The whole idea nuts and my therapist was off her rocker. And I told her that. But when my therapist repeatedly said to be very careful how you addressed these fragments and yourself cause it is so harmful. You only continue hurting you. You are now causing yourself more pain.

I know other people loved themselves. But I could not understand how to love myself. I did not know how. I began to think and honestly I had such hate for myself that I new it was easier to try to mother, love and retrain those children. Which now I realize were a younger injured me at different ages in my life. After working with them to gain their trust. It was easier to deal with the trauma more realistically. I really am not alone in this and it has been a ride.

Instead of being judgmental and having a distorted idea of how I would have handled the trauma. By drawing reasoning from my now adult mind was totally unfair and wrong. I just suddenly opened up to the inner child idea. I found compassion for me for the first time ever. For those small, innocent children. As I work on this, it is getting easier to change how I treat myself. I think about hurting the children when I talk negative about me. So my feelings towards myself are changing. I am really being kinder to me.

It is becoming habit. I am beginning to love me. After 54 years of hate, disgust, shame, guilt and what ever I used to think of myself. My life and world looks so much better from this perspective. This is what inner child work means to me. I'm not sure what it can mean for you. Thanks for listening.

TB

 

[intothelight]

Could the difference also be in whether a person has clear memories of their trauma? I remember most of my adult trauma now, but very little of the childhood trauma. Honestly, I really don't care if I ever remember or not; but I have had to deal with the emotional fall out. Emotions that seem to come out of "no where", but have absolutely little or no relevancy to the situation at present.

Maybe that is why I have always felt like an old soul. I don't ever really remember being a child.

Thoughts?

 

[Pietro]

@ therapybankrupt

This is EXACTLY the experience I've had recently -- 100%. I discovered that my "inner children" were not just a therapy trick, that they had identities of their own and, in some strange way, are alive. My therapist cautioned me the same way, and I thought she was nuts. But over time, I gained empathy for myself, and I became more inclined to try talking to these "inner children" -- but still thinking it was just a device. Until, one day, they suddenly wanted to talk -- all at once, flooding my mind with thoughts and memories and emotions. I'm in the process now of learning how to work with this better.

I think, though, that this is quite different from the concept of the "inner child" that many therapists describe, which may be, to them, only a therapy device for gaining perspective and self-empathy. I'm trying to decide, however, if they are really different or not, maybe the same concept, but at two different places on a continuum.

 

[Pietro]

Maybe that is why I have always felt like an old soul. I don't ever really remember being a child.

I've always felt like an "old soul" as well. I remember thinking, when I was a child, that I didn't feel much like a child.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Maybe that is why I have always felt like an old soul. I don't ever really remember being a child.

I did not think I had a child hood either intothelight. I only would have one sure memory of me in a blue dress. I did not remember any thing else from my childhood. I barely had memories of marriage and child rearing until the EMDR and inner child work. This is how I found out what happened and reprocessed and have been relieved of body trauma memories that were trapped with them.

I have only done three traumas. There are more and I will continue to process and reprocess until I am done. It's very scary to find out and maybe we want to keep it all inside for ever. We all have choices and know what is best for us. So I am not selling anything here I am just sharing my experiences.

tb