The d word - what do you feel you deserve?

[Rose White]

@parrotthepolly are you saying that you

once had a 'good enough' self-worth

?

If so, where did it come from? I have no memory of ever having a self worth. Hating myself was just normal and it didn’t seem possible not to. I wasn’t

brainwashed or re-programmed to have a terrible self-worth

by societal or media messages. It was ingrained in my developmental trajectory. Torch was responding to my assertion that

everyone is challenged at recognizing their own worth

even people with a good enough upbringing. What happens when someone with a good enough upbringing is brainwashed to trash their self-worth? That’s how I interpreted Torch’s question. Wasn’t trying to generalize.

@Torch I’m curious how you would answer your own question?

ETA: @parrotthepolly I see that you said “before I realized I thought I was valued.” That is very sad to think about that transition for you as a child.

 

[parrotthepolly]

@parrotthepolly are you saying that you

?

If so, where did it come from? I have no memory of ever having a self worth. Hating myself was just normal and it didn’t seem possible not to. I wasn’t

by societal or media messages. It was ingrained in my developmental trajectory. Torch was responding to my assertion that

even people with a good enough upbringing. What happens when someone with a good enough upbringing is brainwashed to trash their self-worth? That’s how I interpreted Torch’s question. Wasn’t trying to generalize.

@Torch I’m curious how you would answer your own question?

ETA: @parrotthepolly I see that you said “before I realized I thought I was valued.” That is very sad to think about that transition for you as a child.

Oh I didn't read the previous conversation but yes, the ETA. It was a slow realisation or maybe I always did sort of know as child but took a while to fully accept the fact. But before age 4-5 I remember thinking I was loved.

 

[parrotthepolly]

For someone like me, it makes more sense to list things I don't deserve cause in this world, you need to work just to stay alive and I don't always do everything perfectly, I make mistakes sometimes which is unpredictable which means I will never be good enough.

Unfortunately the one and only thing I actually deserve is to stay alive since I have never choosed to come into this world. I feel like most people are dying (haha) to get rid of people like me, or just me in particular since I view the world differently (we all do but still) which means I'm flawed.
I don't usually feel like I deserve to live up to this point but then again I never exactly wanted to!! My life is practically a curse and for some reason I don't want to end it yet. I must be a coward for not even attempting. No one has even told me they want to live unless I brought it up so there's a huge chance it's not true.

Maybe I deserve water as well since it's the building block of life and free from the Earth but other resources no even if I still consume them.

Not sure if the d word is right but the pain I experience for whatever reason probably should be there due to the fact I will most likely never be able to be a decent human being after everything I have lived through.

 

[user56652]

They descend into despair and feel confused because they had a good enough family/upbringing and “shouldn’t” feel this way.

Ohh you have just got me to a tee.

 

[Torch]

I’m curious how you would answer your own question?

Not sure.

 

[RVA21]

Peace, safety, freedom, good company, support.

 

[parrotthepolly]

What is the opposite of deserving? Debt.

I disagree or maybe it's just my own case but one of the main things I don't believe I deserve is calories from food, even if I paid for it myself and worked for the money and know I'll only, and I mean only feel better both mentally and physically after getting energy from calories (instead of caffeine or triggering myself for adrenaline). Still I don't feel like I deserve actual sustenance from calorific food or drinks because I can survive without it so that's all this body will get.

At the same time I don't believe I'm in debt of giving away food I don't eat or digest either, I don't feel bad in throwing it up and flushing it down the toilet, most people would consider it a waste. I sometimes give a bit to animals (mainly in the past, too expensive now) which some people consider it a waste and well, makes me feel even less guilty about not giving it to humans but I brought the food and don't owe it to anyone! It's much better than living with the fact that this body deserves to be given something to make life easier since even though it's obviously damaged, it's still alive.

Some people might think the whole process of puking could be one form of extra payment for allowing this body to live, but it usually isn't unpleasant for me since most things slide out easily and the endorphins afterwards are comforting. Maybe restricting food is more difficult but it doesn't feel like a debt, just a mindset? since I'm not doing it for anyone. I generally feel miserable but nutritionally wise I don't feel so bad and don't believe I owe anything, simply undeserving.

 

[Rose White]

I resonate with the debt idea so much, hadn’t thought about it. Consistently feel I owe others my best, an explanation, an apology, etc.

 

[Freemartin]

I resonate with the debt idea so much, hadn’t thought about it. Consistently feel I owe others my best, an explanation, an apology, etc.

Me too.
I feel I don’t deserve good things from people, so when someone gives me something or shows any kind of kindness, I instantly feel like I got indebted. It’s not straigtforward, tho. It’s not as simple as needing to do something good in return, it’s more like not feeling able to reciprocate, so I’m now in some awkward, not-safe position.

 

[Movingforward10]

Me too.
I feel I don’t deserve good things from people, so when someone gives me something or shows any kind of kindness, I instantly feel like I got indebted. It’s not straigtforward, tho. It’s not as simple as needing to do something good in return, it’s more like not feeling able to reciprocate, so I’m now in some awkward, not-safe position.

Gosh, you have articulated something I feel and didn't really realise.

 

[Freemartin]

Gosh, you have articulated something I feel and didn't really realise.

It’s really subtle, isn’t it?
These kinds of deeply ingrained beliefs/intuitions can be so invisible to any coscious thought and yet so incredibly powerful in guiding one’s life and behaviour.

I just had my daily TMS session (transcranial magnetic stimulation). In my case it takes 30mins per session. The nurses are always really kind and ask me if I’m comfortable (the treatment requires the patient to sit still and not move at all). They tell me to just say if I need to move or adjust my position during that 30mins. And, needless to say, I never do. It’s such a deeply ingrained belief that I can’t rock the boat. I can’t disrupt the treatment, I can’t be ”difficult” in any way.

And I know, I bloody well know I’m entitled to ask for a pause. I know the nurses would be totally okay with it. But it’s just… like someone else takes over my body and paralyses me.

These things are so knee-jerk’y. Calling them beliefs is, in my opinion, missing the mark slightly. The word belief implies more kinda congnitive, voluntary and conscious stuff. Whereas this shit is really unconscious, visceral and somatic even.

 

[Rose White]

@Freemartin are you able to say where it comes from?