Dom Violence The Double Standard Of Men In DV

[Neverthesame]

Is it really all because of gender? It really couldn't have anything to do with attitude?

I know that gender is frequently a factor in DV, the double standard is a huge problem. I just can't read about something like that happening to a child, and seeing the person who is most likely to be able to do something about it, doesn't seem to give a f*ck.
Sorry, but I cannot coddle that person. All I can see is a horrible future for that whole family if something doesn't change.

Since I seem to only be perpetuating a double standard for male DV victims, I'll stay out of it from here on.
I don't know what else to say.

 

[anthony]

It isn't just DV, it is a societal shift in womens groups to now oppress men. Their excuse? The previous oppression of women by men in earlier years. Its all just discrimination in my eyes. These womens groups need to be dragged over the coals and kicked in the arse to stop all this shit. Equality means equality. Everyone is equal and should be treated as such... yet here we are close to 2020, and shit is far from equal.

Why is a man who kills his wife given 25+ years in jail, and a women who kills her husband, 10 years in jail? These are statistical, factual, indifferences in sentencing -- biased nonsense that a woman should spend less time in jail for the same crime as a man. Reverse discrimination is now in full effect, not equality. Its happening in the black vs white too. Fought for equality, and now blacks discriminate against white skinned people instead. Like... oh shit, you need payback for your previous generations actions.

DV is just one subject IMHO in this can of worms topic.

 

[bellbird]

Reverse discrimination is now in full effect, not equality.

Yep -- I couldn't agree more.


#metoo et al; it's all just pseudoprogress.
We can only start making progress when we open our eyes and see human beings as human beings; no subcategories (gender + beyond) to justify unfair, unbalanced and discriminatory behaviours.

The look of disgust I receive from female friends when I say I don't identify as a feminist.
I'm a humanist.
There's no way in hell I want to associate myself with feminism in 2019.
A friend added me to a Facebook group of "feminist friends", and I had to leave it.
I didn't want to be there in the first place, but the things I read were appalling and disgusting.

This doesn't solve problems.
It only perpetuates and exacerbates them.

 

[scout86]

It really couldn't have anything to do with attitude?

I think, at least some of the time, it could have to do with attitude. I'm not saying that men and women aren't, sometimes, treated differently. For better and worse. But I think if a woman showed up here, as a supporter, and made excuses for a partner who attempted to kill one of her children, there would people who'd be pretty undiplomatic in their responses. Not everyone. But I think that varies a lot based on how close to home it hits. Personally? I can easily imagine my mother literally trying to strangle me, so a story like that hits close to home. (I usually try to resist the impulse to reply to stuff that feels like it's hitting THAT close to home.)

I'll agree that the pendulum can swing to an opposite extreme and that that isn't useful or fair. I definitely believe in both useful and fair. But @anthony , if things in your part of the world have progressed to the point where discrimination against women is truly in the past, I'm really impressed and I can only say I hope for the day when this part of the world catches up. Things have improved, to be sure, but, at least around here, the playing field isn't quite level just yet.

 

[anthony]

But @anthony , if things in your part of the world have progressed to the point where discrimination against women is truly in the past, I'm really impressed and I can only say I hope for the day when this part of the world catches up.

Nope. But neither is it gone against Men either. In fact, it has grown against men, whilst decreasing against women. Equality? Why is it so important that it is eliminated against women only? Why not eliminated against everyone?

 

[Ronin]

IMO I would be careful calling that reverse discrimination, though.

Not in the majority of systems in the majority of the world.

Don't think it is helpful to toss sociology language entirely out, all of its concepts turned on its ear... That is exactly what those screamy would be leftist would be enlightened groups do.

Shifting systemic balances in some corners of the world does not mean the rest dances to the same tune.

 

[scout86]

Why is it so important that it is eliminated against women only? Why not eliminated against everyone?

I agree, eliminating discrimination against any group is the ideal goal. It reminds me of something my T likes to say. That he will only be really comfortable with things like the DSM when they split things up finely enough that people are dealt with as individuals. Not happening any time soon, of course. The bureaucrats would blow a gasket. Meanwhile, little boys shouldn't have to hear that there's something wrong with them if they cry, and little girls shouldn't have to grow up hearing they need a prince to come their rescue.

 

[freebird]

My mother has been very violent with my Father for my whole life. She still does it by controlling his sexuality, his thoughts, and actions. I think he is suffering from stockholm syndrome right now because he says he loves her meanwhile making jokes about ending his life sometimes. We're trying to encourage him to consider escaping from her, and he has been given opportunities (money/living situations) to escape. She has her hooks in his brain, and there is nothing we can do right now. He still chooses her despite his fear, his lost finances, his lost identity, and everything else. I'm glad to see DV awareness has been slowly coming to the light for men. I need to do more research on it.

 

[somerandomguy]

I need to do more research on it.

Depending on where you live, prepare to be depressed.

The UK, Australia, and NZ seem to be pretty good with regards to providing services to male victims. I don't know about Europe or the rest of the world outside of North America. Canada appears pretty weak. But the USA is by far the worst among all developed countries, because male DV victims, even when they're acknowledged to actually exist, are a political football. Lots of people don't want to provide male victims with services, because they want to keep the funding for women, or they're angry at men, or both. Places that do serve men often don't advertise that they do because they don't want the hassle, but will work with men if they have to.

It's true that the current network of services for victims of DV were built by and for women, and these services are incredibly resistant to serving men. My response is: tough shit. It has proven pretty impossible for male-oriented service organizations to get off the ground, in large part because the current woman-focused DV orgs don't want them around. But if they don't want male-focused groups around, they will have to provide services to men. It's long past time that the DV orgs can have it both ways. They either need to stop opposing men's groups, or provide services to men themselves.

 

[Nevergivup]

But it has nothing to do with him being a guy, only that there are kids involved and he came across as complicit.

Really? Maybe you would like to elaborate on this as you clearly know every detail surrounding the event referred to.

Complicit? Its a long time since I have had such a disgusting accusation leveled against me. This evening my wife rushed in from hanging out clothes and collapsed on the floor weeping. I know that weep. "What was it?" I asked. She couldn't talk, which is normal.

Then the penny dropped. It was the bloody aeroplane. One was flying low over the house. Childhood memories of her village been strafed on multiple occasions are still there. Who went up to hug and comfort her? Our little 2-yr daughter. That is what I am fighting to preserve and I will damn well do it regardless of what PTSD "Pros" may say.

Get off my case or I will really bite back. And Oh: My wife IS a lovely little lady.

 

[EveHarrington]

Complicit? Its a long time since I have had such a disgusting accusation leveled against me.

You posted about preservation of the family unit while kids are being abused and traumatized.

This is going to make people stand up and say something.

Many of us had one abusive parent while the other one did nothing to get us away from the abuse.

I hope that one day you’ll be able to see the reality of the situation, that simply because your wife has ptsd, doesn’t make her an innocent angel.

Your kids need to be protected, and you are failing to keep them safe in the name of preservation of the family unit.

I realize you may need to feel like you can save her, but you can’t, and your children can’t.

They may not feel “traumatized” now, or act traumatized now, but that doesn’t matter. Delayed onset PTSD is very real, delayed trauma reactions are very common. They are being exposed to a lose cannon who could kill them.

People are begging you to get your kids away from her. The truth is that you can’t watch them 24/7. You must sleep. You go to the bathroom. I’m guessing you work, too?

Please, please, a million times please, save your kids.

 

[Justmehere]

I faced attempted or actual violent crime committed by a woman and a man, both total strangers to me, both high as a kite, and the outcomes of the two situations showed me how much women get almost a free pass for violence, while men get victim-blamed to a dangerous degree, and it’s incredibly damaging.

The woman broke into my home trying to steal stuff while yelling nonsense words. The man who tried to mug me, if can even be called that, saw me in a public space and hallucinated that my dog was a bear he was trying to wrestle. (Yeah, we have a public health addiction crisis where I live... but that’s another matter... Anyhow...)

The woman attempted to stab me, partially succeeded, and left scars on my body that persist to this day. I escaped by wrestling her weapon from her, calling 911 before she smashed the phone, holding furniture between me and her, and pleading for my life as my blood ran on to the floor. When we later pulled the tape, dispatch was joking that it sounds like a “girlfriend spat” when you can hear me fawning to try and convince her to back down. The attacker locked the door behind her, delaying the police further from getting in to haul her crazy ass out of there, and for years, I got nervous locking my own door, always wanting to be able to escape fast, and hopeless I could keep danger out.

The man, while outside a grocery store, tried to kick my dog while I was on the phone and wasn’t looking, and fell over. He missed the dog and me. Didn’t touch me. I escaped by (slowly) walking away. Others called 911. He was falling into the street repeatedly.

The woman was arrested in my home, while I was taken to a hospital via ambulance. The man was arrested in a nearby store, passed out.

The woman spent 8 hours in jail, got a plea of no contest to misdemeanor disorderly conduct, community service, and a year of unsupervised probation. Victims comp paid my medical bills and for a few therapy sessions. The victim advocate laughed at me when I asked for help navigating the legal system.

The man received a plea deal of guilty to 2 felonies and a year in jail, despite my going to court to ask he not go to jail, as I was ok, but simply be required to get addiction treatment. The victims advocate wanted to use my service dog’s cute face in court to bolster the DA’s case to put him in jail for years (nothankyou.) I was never afraid of him or the location. It was years before I felt safe again in my home after what the woman did.

What the man and woman did was one thing... how society handled it, screwed. me. up. The way society deeply invalidated the violence of the woman nearly undid me. The police spoke to me was as if it was my fault she broke into my home, and they verified she was a total stranger to me, but still continued to blame me. If she was someone I knew, or even a partner, I don’t think they would have done much at all. As it was, they asked me point blank how did I provoke her... I was just in my own home doing my thing! How in the world was it my fault for provoking her?! If I had been a man, I don’t think they would have arrested her at all, but possibly fully blamed me. The other comments they made are not anything I’ll share online, because it’s too personal, but they were caught on the dispatch tape that I pulled to try to understand why they responded as they did. The only explanation anyone has given me is that if the perp been a man, the outcomes would have been very different.