The Fear Of Others Finding Out

[Friday]

This is a thing for me.

Is it for you?

***

I started to write “This is a big thing for me,” and had stop. Nope, not big, huge. Sigh. Not right, either. So I sat here looking for the right way to describe something I understand so well, and not at all; that’s so much a part of me and my life, or not at all; that I struggle to find the words to even describe it, much less discuss it.

Big. Huge. Sharp. Simple as life or death. Complicated as hell. Dangerous. Pernicious. Subtle. Subtle as a lead brick. Ice water for blood, electricity shooting through my bones, snakes in my belly, vision narrowed, pain vanishing… okay! We’ve got a massive adrenaline spike, that blew right past panic, into ACT NOW. fawk. f*ckity f*ck f*ck, cock juggling thunderc*nt.

How much of a thing it is to me? I could post this thread in nearly any forum/subforum to discuss ASPECTS of it. Avoidance. Anxiety, Panic, Hypervig. Core Beliefs. Dysreg. Relationships. SI. Disassociation. My work. My play. One of those things that lightning bolts into every area of my life, thoughts/feeling/actions, originating -all backwards, just like lightning- out of my trauma history.

So I’m just going to put this here in General, so ANY aspect anyone wants to discuss? Is fair game.

***

I usually describe it …to myself… as either Skylined, or ExposedExposedExposed.

(Both of which are implicit with “Stop that, now.” )

The only way I’ve ever been able to deal quasi-successfully with it is by stepping into being/becoming “Nothing & No One”. As in I AM nothing & no one. And, rather than being a bad thing, means I can be or do whatever I need to. Blissful relief, being nothing & no one.

Alright! A helluva lotta words, without saying much, but it’s either brazenly post thread now… or delete the f*cker.

 

[gorgonzola]

Others finding out that I have PTSD? Shit, they're going to start guessing, aren't they? Shit, this is going to be unpleasant and you're going to be wrong in any case I absolutely guarantee it and it's not going to be fun listening to you vainly exhausting your imagination of horrific things. Maybe a swift kick in the teeth would help dissuade the attempt?

Medical professionals get a pass as long as all is reasonably in aid of establishing that I'm not in any current danger. That's just what they're trained to do and honestly it's reassuring to know that they have these instincts.

Or others finding out the details of my trauma? I keep those a secret even from myself, but I do know enough about it to know that it getting out would be extraordinarily bad. Blackouts and greyouts require a lot of reassurance afterwards that I haven't mentioned anything I may later regret.

 

[Movingforward10]

From the queen of masking, the 'fear' is so ingrained that it's just a way of being without any conscious thought attached to it.

It's more shame than fear though. Or both. Shame that I failed. Failed in needing something and failed in not being able to cover it up.

The not mattering. And being bad. All tied in too. If I don't matter. Then it doesn't matter. Then there are no feelings. And no impact. And the mask remains.

But the mask slips if I matter. And the shame and fear and badness comes out.
.and it's a toxic mess.

Think I'm in this particular hole at the moment.


People finding out means they find out our shame, vulnerability, needs, humanity, etc etc. All of which hasn't been safe before. So, it is understandable it's linked to a lot of 'feelings'?

 

[Ecdysis]

Hey @Friday

"People finding out" used to fill me with absolute dread and panic...

Over the years, that's reduced, due to having to talk about the trauma over and over in therapy... It's been a shittily painful process and that fear isn't totally gone, but it's no longer in the forefront.

The past few years in fact, it's tipped the scales towards "Keeping this secret is causing more pain and harm than letting people see it..."

I've posted about that shift 4 or 5 times on the forum over the past few years and you were always one to weigh in with "OMG how could no longer keeping it a secret be a good choice... Why on earth would you feel the need to no longer hide it?!"

And yeah, I get that fear... viscerally... cos I used to feel it so intensely...

All I can say is that it's like that Anais Nin quote — "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I think it's a process tho... And the ambivalence can be intense, especially if you're nearing that point in the process...

 

[Rose White]

If I don't matter. Then it doesn't matter.

This ☝ theme seems to be popping up for a number of us here lately!

But the mask slips if I matter. And the shame and fear and badness comes out.
.and it's a toxic mess.

Oof, yes. But maybe it’s not toxic if it comes out in a contained space, like with T or E or here. Maybe facing the shame and fear (badness is a cognitive distortion) when the mask slips IS the work of grieving, IS the narrow path forward.

 

[whiteraven]

Nope.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

For us, it depends on the circumstances and the who. Like anything, there are places where disclosure of personal information is more or less appropriate.

We also think a lot about privacy vs secrecy. They are not the same, and it is okay to have privacy.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Same as Rainbow for me. But it looks like the more traumatised the who is the more secretive/fearful they are. a lot of the time. And ones of me that have less trauma to hold are more likely to share things.

Some things are private aka only for whatever part to decide what and when to do with it itself but then sometimes things are kept secret like a real secret. Privacy for parts has been a big thing since even before i knew i had them. “not mine to share/tell/show” or “wants identity hidden” or “not for me to look at / read”. Some run their mouth though like less traumatised ones might care less about that.

some of me is more scared than others of me about people finding out or noticing things even if it’s people I know well. Others are more stable about it and mind less about it.

Some people cannot or shouldn't know because it doesn’t feel safe, like I wish I could take away everything my dad knows, sometimes it makes me feel sick that he knows anything. Don’t want my stepdad to know much. those are definitely a fear of others finding out. but generally im jot terrified of oeople knowing im traumatised and stuff. in theory (sometimes i react bad even if i expect to be ok)

 

[arfie]

i became the family whistle blower fairly early on. i quickly discovered that the precious few who cared didn't have any great alternatives or quick fixes to offer. worry about people finding out? i am not convinced it a secret worth draining myself in order to keep. i'm quite solidly convinced that we are only as sick as our secrets. letting people close enough for them to know that much about me is another thread.

The only way I’ve ever been able to deal quasi-successfully with it is by stepping into being/becoming “Nothing & No One”. As in I AM nothing & no one. And, rather than being a bad thing, means I can be or do whatever I need to. Blissful relief, being nothing & no one.

invisibility is a super power, doncha know? if you can't see me, you can't stop me. buttttaaaa. . . when i take off my super cape for a quick trip to real time, i go for a balance between the extremes.

 

[Rose White]

if you can't see me, you can't stop me.

This means something to me right now but I’m not sure what so I’m just putting a pin in it.

 

[Roland]

I worry my oversharing on this forum will allow others to find me and connect that this account is mine.

 

[user56652]

If you're worried about unburdening yourself then this seems a safe place.