The Fear Of Others Finding Out

[Movingforward10]

I worry my oversharing on this forum will allow others to find me and connect that this account is mine.

A lot of us have that worry. Can feel quite exposing given what we share and explore about our feelings, experiences, states of mind etc.
I take comfort that it’s actually a hard website to find, that it is global and there are millions of people in my country, so the likelihood of someone being able to know that it is me posting as opposed to ‘moving forward’ is incredibly unlikely. I haven’t even told T i post on here.

 

[Friday]

letting people close enough for them to know that much about me is another thread.

<rueful laugh> That’s part of the ‘relationships’ component, of this kraken, for me.

On the one hand? When I’m in a DGAF mindset, I’ve made/met amaaaazing friends, snap! fast, that I’ve kept for years and years, sometimes decades.

On the other hand, I’ve also lost relationships & hurt people I care deeply about, when they find out something teeny tiny about me, my past, myself; that I don’t even view as bad on the scale of things, (that I don’t view it as bad, I could see as an irreconcilable thing, but it’s the act itself -or event itself, not even the act, but 6 steps backwards- they cut ties with. Like I said, teeny tiny thing), and most people I’ve known in the same circumstance would view as a kindness.

So I don’t risk losing people, building walls; but I do risk never meeting them, much less having them in my life.

 

[user56652]

<rueful laugh> That’s part of the ‘relationships’ component, of this kraken, for me.

On the one hand? When I’m in a DGAF mindset, I’ve made/met amaaaazing friends, snap! fast, that I’ve kept for years and years, sometimes decades.

On the other hand, I’ve also lost relationships & hurt people I care deeply about, when they find out something teeny tiny about me, my past, myself; that I don’t even view as bad on the scale of things, (that I don’t view it as bad, I could see as an irreconcilable thing, but it’s the act itself -or event itself, not even the act, but 6 steps backwards- they cut ties with. Like I said, teeny tiny thing), and most people I’ve known in the same circumstance would view as a kindness.

So I don’t risk losing people, building walls; but I do risk never meeting them, much less having them in my life.

I think I understand. I'm developing a DGAF mindset myself but as a result of being hurt.

 

[arfie]

When I’m in a DGAF mindset, I’ve made/met amaaaazing friends, snap! fast, that I’ve kept for years and years, sometimes decades.

ditto, past tense. somewhere along the way i realized i was more true to myself when i was discouraged to the point of not giving a flying obscenity and tweaked the realization to where i could be true to myself on the good days, as well.

stay true to you.

 

[EveHarrington]

PTSD? No. Even doctors all know because they’re all in the same medical system.

OCD? HELL YES. I mean if you figure out my themes you can bring me down pretty quickly as in send me into a really bad OCD loop.

It boils down to my PTSD not being able to be weaponized against me but my OCD most definitely can be.

I know that’s maybe not exactly on topic but perhaps it’s why some may fear others finding out about their PTSD, the weaponization factor.

 

[Friday]

I know that’s maybe not exactly on topic

Completely on topic.

I didn’t say “what” the thing was that terrifies me, firstly because it isn’t one thing, although it comes from the same place; it’s a kraken, all kinds of tentacles stemming from one very deep place.

I considered going back and editing the title/OP to reflect that… for me… it isn’t a fear of people finding out about my PTSD, but of finding out about ME. It strikes in all kinds of different ways, but it’s the same bone deep fear that I have to reeeeeeally fight against just… vanishing… when it hits me. Also figured that since I threw the door open for any/all fears of someone finding out ____, feeling exposed, being or feeling skylined (not just a target, but an easy one)… that if someone’s fear of others finding out is about their diagnosis? Totally fair game.

Strongly agreed, it’s not always an irrational fear. Just because the fear is there? Doesn’t mean there’s not damn good reason, nor real world consequences. Fear lets us know something is dangerous, judgement determines how dangerous, and what steps to take.

For me, it comes from a very real place/history, and that real place/history has been known to repeat. NOT running, when I get the impulse to? Has seeeeeeriously f*cked up my own life, as well as others. So has the opposite, walking away from my life when all I reeeeeeally need? Is a vacation. Or less. A breath. To stop mixing up past & present.

It’s a brutal thing when you can’t trust your own instincts. Made worse, when you can’t trust your own judgment.

 

[user56652]

Completely on topic.

I didn’t say “what” the thing was that terrifies me, firstly because it isn’t one thing, although it comes from the same place; it’s a kraken, all kinds of tentacles stemming from one very deep place.

I considered going back and editing the title/OP to reflect that… for me… it isn’t a fear of people finding out about my PTSD, but of finding out about ME. It strikes in all kinds of different ways, but it’s the same bone deep fear that I have to reeeeeeally fight against just… vanishing… when it hits me. Also figured that since I threw the door open for any/all fears of someone finding out ____, feeling exposed, being or feeling skylined (not just a target, but an easy one)… that if someone’s fear of others finding out is about their diagnosis? Totally fair game.

Strongly agreed, it’s not always an irrational fear. Just because the fear is there? Doesn’t mean there’s not damn good reason, nor real world consequences. Fear lets us know something is dangerous, judgement determines how dangerous, and what steps to take.

For me, it comes from a very real place/history, and that real place/history has been known to repeat. NOT running, when I get the impulse to? Has seeeeeeriously f*cked up my own life, as well as others. So has the opposite, walking away from my life when all I reeeeeeally need? Is a vacation. Or less. A breath. To stop mixing up past & present.

It’s a brutal thing when you can’t trust your own instincts. Made worse, when you can’t trust your own judgment.

Let us walk through this carefully. You are afraid of people finding out about YOU. That to me can mean anything, sexuality, criminal acts etc.

To me it seems that you have no trust in people or "the system". I understand that. Your last few words about past and present to me are the key, are you afraid of your past ruining not just your present but your future?

If that is the case then I think what you may need to do (if you can and with support) is to look in depth at this issue. Try and break it up into its component parts and analyse each aspect.

IF your actions were due to trauma then there is a chance that people may at first be shocked and many may walk away. But some may sit and listen.

It's a big risk I admit but it might be worth looking at.

 

[Mach123]

Yes and no. It was. It was the only thing operating 24 seven on the conscious and an unconscious level so exhausting. But I don’t feel as vulnerable anymore. The kinds of people that would do the kinds of things I wouldn’t like are gone mostly. I’m 66 years old. If anybody starts anything with me, I don’t want. I’ll shoot them, but I sort of realize that they probably won’t. If I told you and you didn’t like me, you couldn’t hear it or you thought I was terrible, then I don’t have to see you ever again. I’ve lived long enough. I can do that much. I think you’re great me personally but perhaps I’m bias from years of reading you? It’s an online thing but some stuff comes through. I wish you well.

I’m 67 lol

 

[Friday]

is to look in depth at this issue. Try and break it up into its component parts and analyse each aspect.

<grin> S’what I’m doing.

 

[No More]

I don’t want it to be the defining and only thing people know about me. I fear people that would think it makes me weaker, less capable, less reliable, less of a human.

I want to be everything else first, and that second.

That said, my favourite flavour of lifestyle and activity, tends to be one where having a loose screw is a feature, not a bug. So I feel more okay with that, because it’s kind of a ‘say less’ atmosphere, everyone’s got their own demon they’re going to war with. It needs no explanation.

In a different world, in a different lifestyle. It’s a problem.

 

[Teal]

I’m definitely more private about my CPTSD now. I’m afraid of people judging me as less capable, or seeing me as weak.

Another part of me just thinks “f*ck it all” n lets it hang out sometimes if I’m with friends I can trust. Even then, though, I find it difficult to talk about my CPTSD without getting bolshy. I have to assert myself as hard-headed.

 

[Freddyt]

PTSD? No. Even doctors all know because they’re all in the same medical system.

What I find funny? Here, they could be treating 30 physical symptoms ans NEVER think they had a common cause.

Nor do they really seem to care that when not fully conscious I can be violent.

As for the everyday? It's difficult to not tell people at times. I am blind in my right eye and guess where my flashback trigger is? Yeah. Lots of fun. Makes shopping when it's busy and puts the "Just going to reach by you" crowd in danger, and f$cks up my day....

Now my cats, I can't tell either but they did help find another flashback trigger that we have been working on - sleeping by my feet pulls the blankets tight and that's it for sleep....