The Girl Who Copes: Self Harming Ideation

[wyrd_dragon]

Bit of rant -- not in a great headspace.

You know how Harry Potter is famous as 'the boy who lived'? I feel like I can never get away from the burden of being 'the girl who copes'.

I've been dealing with C-PTSD for 22 years now. My first therapist was Freudian. I learned really early that self-control was my responsibility, and that caring for other people, protecting them from my issues, was my responsibility.

I'm generally the one who's good at emotional communication, good at coping mechanisms, good at just... not utterly freaking out even when stuff is really really hard. And if I do freak out, if anyone suggests it's affecting them badly or it's irrational or otherwise not 'on', I'll generally stop.

So my husband has depression, and our girlfriend (we're poly) has PTSD. She's hyper-sensitive to criticism. She recently freaked out that I snapped at her (she admits I did not, it's just her trigger) but didn't tell us for like, two months and now everything's weird and she's practically not talking. Communication's just... really crap.

We're trying to sort this mess out by email, but haven't hard from her in almost 24 hours. Now, I'm really really triggered by uncertainty and silence. I really really need to know what's going on. I don't need a particular outcome, just not silence. It panics me. I'm very anxious, it's starting to really effect me, I can feel my adrenaline levels going up, I'm starting to get intrusive thoughts and pretty soon I'll start to feel self harming.

Thing is, of course I can't say anything to her because she's 'terrified' of talking and that would be pressure. But I (as I often do) feel like, because I can be relied on to take it quietly and not cause a fuss, I have to deal. It's unfair and it messes me up. I feel like my issues matter less, because I can be more in control. I feel like, because I don't make a big loud messy fuss, I can be less regarded. Because it's internalized, and she's just 'not coping' I don't deserve to be kept in mind.

I tried to talk to my husband about it, and now he thinks I want him to 'force' her to talk, when all I was looking for is 'how bad this makes you feel matters and if it's gets too horrible I'll talk to her.' Now he's crying and messed up because he feels like he can't cope with me being upset (even though I've stayed calm and kept calm when he made it clear he was too tired and worn out to be a support).

Why can't I ever be allowed the space to just. not. cope? Would it be so terrible for everyone? And why does it seem like everyone else gets understood and sympathized with if they just go off the rails?
end rant...

 

[saffy]

Hi DeathRay,

I am not sure if you actually wanted a response or whether you were just venting off?

However, I would like to add that not being heard and internalizing is damaging to all.

The communication levels in your case are all over the place. The treading on egg shells in case there is upset. The little acknowledging of each others needs and emotions/feelings can make things seem out of control, one sided and confusing to anyone.

Your girlfriend sounds like a passive aggressive, your husband sounds like a passive and you sound like you want to pull your hair out ;)

Can I ask
Why do you need her to answer straight away? What is it you need from her?

Letting her know how her actions make you feel is acknowledging both sides.

You can say, 'I know you need to take time out for yourself but I feel ............ (insert your feelings here) when there is no contact without an explanation or my calls are being ignored'

You husband needs to learn that he cannot take sides but is supposed to be there for you both as individuals. (I am not sure how a poly situation works to be honest)

Being able to 'cope' as you say, is a sign of strength and does not show self pity or 'its all your fault' mentality.

By internalising you are robbing yourself of having your feelings heard and acknowledged.

In my experience the 'quite ones' are seen as someone who either is coping or does not want to share. Sharing is a way of communicating but it is best done without blame or finger pointing in a judgemental way. I.E, I feel like this because of you. is an accusing sentence which will cause the other person to defend himself rather than acknowledge that what he has done has caused the feeling. IF that makes sense.

Coping in a relationship full of issues is a hard thing to do and most are not actually coping at all, like you, but hiding how they feel in the hope everything will stay rosey.

I hope you find a way of communicating better and that the relationship can get back on track with equal respect for each other feelings.

Just thought I would say that.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Deathray,

I briefly skimmed your post and maybe it's obvious but what does "tw" in your title mean?

Thanks for the clarification.

Ayesha

 

[shoulderblades]

what does "tw" in your title mean?

Trigger Warning. :-)

Death Ray, your situation is really, really tough. It's tough on so many levels, outside of relationships included. You really are the girl that somehow copes. I don't know how you cope, but somehow you do. I know a lot of people admire you for that (I've told you so myself, too), but I also know that's not something you necessarily want to be admired for. I know how much you'd rather just be heard and allowed to scream or cry until you're hoarse in the throat, than smiled at and patted on the head when you're appearing to be coping (as a lot of people seem to do to you, which is really pretty reductionist and insulting considering everything you've gone through and everything you have to deal with as a result IMO), and frowned at or questioned or criticised or downright shut down when people see you aren't coping.

What I'm getting at is: I hear you, completely. Every time you've talked about this, I can see how much of a struggle this is and how much this causes you to suffer. It's something I know that I can't fix but it's nonetheless something I wish I could carry some of the load of for you just so you have some space to breathe and be what you need to be: coping or not coping.

With regards to the situation with your girlfriend: maybe it's time to call a time out for a while. :-( I don't want to go into too much detail on here, because I don't want to accidentally disclose anything you might not want said on a public forum. I'll talk more about this in person with you when I see you next, but the bottom line is: you matter just as much as everyone else in the relationship; you're just as important and your mental health is just as important. You've given all you have to give up to this point. I'm not sure what's left to do besides stepping right back for your own mental health and your own sake. :-(

*huge hug* I'm very proud of you for venting about it here. I'm glad you voiced it here rather than let it completely simmer inside. I have many hugs for you when I see you next. *more hugs, and more, and more* <3

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Trigger Warning.

I edited the title of the thread. A trigger warning is not needed becasue then the entire forum would need one, being a mental health forum.