The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Swift]

Great poem.
I'm sorry you're struggling so hard.

 

[mumstheword]

Thanks :-)
Freaking out. It feels like my.mother's going to destroy what little mental health I've managed to scrape together.
My guy listened to her message. I'm pissed she rang him. Why couldn't she text me or something if it was so important?
*Sigh* her inappropriate behaviour just never stops.

 

[littleoc]

You’re strong enough to tower over her inappropriate behavior. Its messsd up that she’s still bothering you, but you’re more stable than you think

Sending many hugs

 

[mumstheword]

You’re strong enough to tower over her inappropriate behavior. Its messsd up that she’s still both...

I think she is, very likely, quite unwell. So, of course, I feel huge guilt.

She's only ever frightened me and dismissed me and guilt tripped me and invalidated me when I'm in need of care, on the whole, except sporadic tenderness and occasional puzzling flattery.

She treats me like I'm invisible or wrong or else like I'm the parent, who she looks to for answers. So confusing.

I'm so guilty feeling for my feelings about her. Very confusing. I just tend to feel immensely unsafe, inadequate, invisible and wrong, just very wrong, when it comes to her.

 

[littleoc]

Sounds like feelings from the past coming back up.

I understand that confusion and guilt.. I wish I could help you make it stop, but I’m going through that too and haven’t learned how to get past it just yet. But ask yourself if she’d do the same for you, or feel as guilty as you do.

If you think she would, look at your posts here

 

[mumstheword]

Sounds like feelings from the past coming back up.

I understand that confusion and guilt.. I wish I c...

You are right. She only seems to focus on herself, she even admitted to someone, once (not me) that she is very self absorbed.

Like, histrionic behaviour in general, she used other family members misfortunes to draw attention to their shortcomings and to "wring her hands" kind of thing, but no, when it comes down to it, she doesn't act on others behalf , if she does, she acts very resentful and puts extreme limitations on what she will do for others.

I have only ever asked her for help, as an adult on extremely rare occasions and mostly she's dismissed me and just told me what I should do, instead of offering any assistance.
I'm talking I left a really bad guy after lots of years, was in a very bad way and homeless and just wanted a couple of days of her space and care and no, no real reason why she couldn't, but she still couldn't let me come and stay.

 

[littleoc]

It’s okay to feel guilty, but I hope it gets easier for you, because she does not deserve your pity.

 

[mumstheword]

Yes, past stuff, coming up, in a big way.
I don't trust my mother at all and don't like that she contacted my partner with "ring me urgently" message.
I feel invalidated, all over again, by her.
I'm not saying I'm in any way, being rational, about this. I don't know, if I am, within my legitimate rights, to feel like that, or not. I literally, have no clue whether I'm justified, or just being completely irrational, unreasonable and histrionic myself.

 

[littleoc]

You’re free to feel any way you do. The job lies in challenging that, not invalidating your own feelings. There’s a reason you’re having that reaction. It’s something to work on, but not something to suppress.

 

[mumstheword]

Ok, I'm going to extrapolate further. I avoid my mother because, from much past experience she doesn't handle realities that differ from what she wants to believe in, or deal with.

If I were to reengage with her, I would end up saying things that she really wouldn't like. I've learnt that no good comes of that.

Mostly she will just deny and then deflect with accusatory and invalidating comments.
It's a form of gaslighting and she's done it to me all my life.

She's utterly resistant to being honest and accountable and she will always turn things around and put me down if she feels in any way put upon or criticized.

I'm very, very cautious about what I say to her.

I learnt to walk on eggshells and completely disregard myself. I have to treat her like a fragile child (because she acts like one and demands to be looked after) and the queen who must be obeyed (I thought of her as the "Red Queen" out of Alice in Wonderland when I was a tween before she basically dumped me on strangers at just 13.

I did move back in with her intermittently between my dad's and other people's until the adolescent centre my Dad put me in at the end of my 15th year.

If I tried to communicate a need for help or care or any level of need or unhappiness she would either taunt me, attack me, disparage me or say "if you don't like it here, go and live with your father", which I would do.

After the breakdown that resulted in me being admitted to the private clinic for teenagers (thank you, Dad, it was better than nothing) I wanted to move back to Tassie, I was still desperate to give her a chance to demonstrate she cared about me.

She didn't want me and I was too miserable with my depressed Aspie Dad, so I attempted to live in a boarding facility. Not a good idea for someone as dissociative and self destructive as I was at the time.
I ended up raped and having a very close call with alcohol poisoning and still no care from her, so I left the state, with no money and ended up thousands of km away from both parents. More rapes and "survival sex" assaults and going crazier and crazier and more and more shattered and suicidal and dissociative later and I ended up pregnant at just 17.

She was "happy" her teen daughter was pregnant! I guess better than dead or in a mental institution.

Eventually she and my ex's mother both told me to leave him, but gave me no helpful suggestions about how to get out. No offers of help, nothing constructive at all.

In fact, as I mentioned, when I rang her, homeless and in chronic pain and yes, physically dying and chronically and acutely stressed on top of long term c-ptsd and domestic abuse after 7 births and years of breastfeeding and malnourishment and utter, utter exhaustion and a host of body-breakdown symptoms, begging for help from her, she just told me to "go to her acupuncturist" knowing I had nowhere to live and no transport.

When she finally caught up with me, all she wanted to do was talk about this guy she had been seeing. I didn't want to. I got criticised for not wanting to pay attention to her boyfriend issues.

 

[mumstheword]

I should mention, I had tried to get help from two hospitals, but was treated like a bit of human refuse, partly, I think, because the town I live in has a very bad reputation, so people from here are automatically stigmatized, partly because of that horrible stigmatizing diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and partly because I was too chronically uncared for and had no advocates to help me access treatment or address any of my very long overdue care needs, so I was easy to dismiss and just treat like a nuisance crazy person.

 

[mumstheword]

Just sad.
Feeling emotional neediness.
Feeling unpopular and unsure of myself
Feeling untrusting of life
Feeling lonely and alone
Feeling ambivalent about life
Feeling unworthy and unbelieving of goodness and benevolence
Feeling, very much, on the fringe
Feeling it's unfair
I want a mum, a kind mum.
And the love and care of family and community like I never had before
I want freedom of movement and a sense of safety and inclusion.