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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

I'm recognizing that I'm pretty numb in some ways at the moment. Totally numb about my mother and the fact that her mother just died.

I'm upset and concerned about my youngest daughter though.:( She's really struggling. I got her to a doctor today. He seemed like a very competent doc. He wants her back in a week for a mental health assessment and to write up a mental health plan.

We've got a pathology script for some blood tests for her, which we'll try to get done tomorrow too. She s so sad, overwhelmed and struggling. I feel like crying just thinking about it. She tries to be brave, but I can tell she's struggling not to cry a lot of the time.

Her school teachers are copping a lot of it, she's having meltdowns in class a lot. They respect and like her, she's a good person and is really trying hard with her study, this year, but she's really, really having a hard time with everything.
She's not here most of the time. She's at school at work or at Dad's smoking weed and trying to keep up with a huge studyload. I am off to hospital in two weeks for three weeks.

I hope she's ok, here, without me. Although I see so little of her anyway. She comes home late and leaves for school and we don't even have meals together. I make her a really delicious nutrition meal and take in down to school everyday, though. Because she can't even fit food in her bag with her school books and her bag already weighs a tonne.
 
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My sadness is.
This blight that those people put on us, has me sad.
I can't get away from their oppression.
Try as I might. I was born into this mess and I birthed others into it too. I'm complicit. I'm shackled. I'm tarred with that brush. I'm a tard. My children suffer. My siblings suffer. I can do little, so little, except try not to drown, or be kept down by this sociopathic stigma, this blight, this severe lack of light and this malevolence. I am powerless and small against his destructive influence. I am inconsequential in the face of her denial. Their lack of responsibility and consideration for how they treat others had me baffled, ravaged, shredded. I am sad. I have protection myself, now, but my babies are buffeted by this storm that rips minds apart and our family to smithereens. I can't protect them. I can only stick around to help pick up the pieces when they fall apart. We are all ground down. I cannot bare most people now. I am treading water, it's cold, so cold, I am trying to keep my children from drowning. I am what's there between them and a down-hill-into-a-big-pit-of-despair, but I am tired. So I have to go slow and only do what I need to do, so I don't go down, down, down. I have a psyche wound made by a histrionic narcissist and a sociopathic drug addict narcissist. It might never heal but at least I am trying my best to stick around for my loinfruits, my joy, my darlings, my precious most precious sons and daughters. I am trying but I'm sad and worn out and I'm doing my best. It's hard. Life hurts and one day I will be free of this body but for now, I'll just keep on keeping on, struggling and not doing well but not giving up.
Thanks for reading.
 
I'm so sorry you're feeling sad.
mumstheword said:
I was born into this mess
Click to expand...
Yes, this is exactly the problem. You didn't create this mess - it was already there when you were born. The common thread, I think, between all of us is that we could not escape our traumatic events. Our brains tell us that we could have escaped, if only we'd tried harder, and therefore we have nobody to blame but ourselves for all of our misery.

This is a lie.

Mums, you did all you could with what you had - which wasn't much. You can't say you should have done more, because you had nothing more to give. You are in a different place now.

It's the same for all of us, even those we love. They can only do what they can do. We can try to help, but ultimately their journeys are their own.
 
Everything @somerandomguy shared, and lots of hugs.

You haven't quit. Not once. In your own way, in your own time, you put one foot in front of the other. None of us 'arrive' on the journey. And you are grieving. For the state of the world, and your own tribe. it's huge. It hurts. And maybe because you are so tired, you don't see how well you are really doing. You are the Phoenix rising from the ashes.

You haven't quit. Not once. Grieve it, and move into a light that is healing. You ARE healing. :hug::hug::hug::hug:
 
Thank you @somerandomguy and @ladee ! :)
Your words really encourage me and gave me solace.
I pushed into an avoidance pattern today. I got triggered and cried after getting some needed stuff done, though.
I'm going to do it again but I need to be careful I don't overdo it to the point where it backfires.
I'm feeling wobbly and a little overwhelmed now. The trouble is I don't really have the level of support I need to have this disabling avoidance, I need to work through it and make inroads but I also need to avoid overloading myself and sending myself spiralling back into inflamed hippocampus and amygdala land.
I'm feeling wobbly; grief stricken and there's anxiety happening in my body. My breath is shortened, I'm a little shaky and tremoury. My breath is ragged, my nose is drippy, my eyes are still wet with tears.
I don't want to stop doing what I was doing, because these things need to be done. I'm not good at knowing how much is enough or not enough, in terms of facing triggers and avoidance, when It's a task that needs to be done. Overdoing it will backfire I just know it will, but avoiding is not the answer either.

I tried though, I'm a bit of a shaky, emotional "activated" mess now, but I made inroads.

I will have a rest and get back into it a bit later.
 
ladee said:
Congrats on the weight loss!!! Keep in mind you have your next visit to the (I'm having a senior moment,...
Click to expand...
Maybe....It's a private psychiatric hospital, for a trauma&dissociation program .... My first instinct was no, I'm looking forward to it, but actually? I think I am a bit anxious. Last time it was pretty hard. I was exceedingly flighty, kinda manic and it stirred up a lot of stuff. It was intense and confronting. I came out in full flight triggered mode coz of stuff that happened on the last day... I got my first script ever for benzos coz I couldn't sleep...yeah it wasn't the easiest ...thankfully I had my guy to help ground me (I was on the phone, a lot, to him) and I made some friends, coz yeah, it was really challenging and hard.

I'm worried about my girl too. She's having a tough time.

I have major home-based triggers that I do a lot of avoidance to not have to confront but they are debilitating and shameful, very shameful avoidance behaviours so, yeah, that's just having to confront painful brain/endocrine dysregulation. That's just a big part of my symptoms that I'm working on overcoming, too, not related at all to going into hospital, other than, being one of the reasons I need to go back.
 
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