The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Your poor little little. She has had to survive so much - no wonder she is afraid. She deserves to be c...

Thank you so much Freida!
Yes, all true. He is doing it too. Breaking down my walls. Loving my estranged parts into wellness and wholeness.:hug:
Today was the most well and functional day I have had, in ...I don't know how long...long anyway...I am getting better!
After all the spac-outs of late, with "hopeless part" coming to the fore...I think I I've had a breakthrough today...like, a big one.:p
I was able to really be there, emotionally and physically for my guy, helped him through a hard day...he's coming through a really stressful time with the storage unit eviction date looming...and remember ...bit of a hoarder, so, really big, stressful deal.:hungry::hungover::eek::cautious::shifty::oops::confused::arghh;

My daughter has exams, but she seems to be coping better this week, a lot better, although I'm not seeing much of her at all, comes home late every night.
I got a LOT of house stuff done today, without any meltdowns or rests needed, mood was up most of the day, although I did have some minor temper tantrums, only at inanimate objects. Anger towards ex and mother is still a major issue.
Went for my walk with 20-year-old son :)

Still doing great with my diet, appetite very tiny these days:)

Tomorrow night is my big daughters fashion show. I'm catching up with a couple of mates and my "special" son too. Big day planned.
I've been feeling really, really good for significant portions of today, I think my vigilance and preparation with the diet is partially causal, as is "Hopeless" being addressed and supported and loved and cuddled yesterday. Breakthrough:D:joyful::happy:

 

[Swift]

Love ya mums! What an amazing turnaround!

 

[Freida]

Ive been feeling really, really good for significant portions of today, I think my vigilance and preparation with the diet is partially causal, as is "Hopeless" being addressed and supported and loved and cuddled yesterday. Breakthrough:D:joyful::happy:

YEAH!!!!

 

[ILoveLife]

:D :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Went to dawtys fashion show. Wow, that beautiful person-who-came-out-of-me, I'm so proud. She s soooo talented, hardworking, passionate, amazing flair, style and taste, compassionate and warm. I felt very emotional but kept it under wraps. Her dad was there too, I had to interact with him a little. Really wasn't in the mood to (when am I ever?) I felt flighty, hid, rang my bestie who was going to be there but it was over too quickly, rang my guy to get me. Ex offered me a lift but - No. Way.
I ran away.
I feel like crying a bit.
Sort of good, sort of sad.
Waiting at Woolies out of the cold.

 

[ILoveLife]

Of course your children are awesome, with such a wonderful mum. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I told my girl-woman-child (not a child, she's 24) how proud I am of her, how I love her, how amazing she is.
She looked happy.
I did the best I could, having to be in the same vicinity as her dad. I feel angry at him, so angry and hurt and flighty and shamed and humiliated and outraged and backed in a corner and having to escape.
He's never apologized, not once.
He wishes I were dead, he told me.
He tried to destroy my bond with my own children.
I don't know if I can ever forgive him.
What a horrible situation to be put in.
I can never escape that we share 7 children and he is a despiser of me and I've learnt to despise him back.
He's still trying to ruin my children but it won't work.
If he does, with any of them, who wins? Nobody.
He's a sick c*nt. Not in a good way.

 

[Swift]

don't know if I can ever forgive him.

I don't know that he's ever going to deserve your forgiveness, because that motherf*cker isn't sorry.
If forgiveness is your path to healing, sure, cool. But it's really not my gig.

Have I mentioned lately what a bastard your ex is?

I'm glad you said that to your daughter. You must be so proud. She sounds like an amazing young woman. And good work being in the same vicinity as your ex! No wonder it felt awful.

(PS, for those confused, sick c*nt and mad c*nt are actually compliments usually in Australia. Like, if you really like someone theyre a sick c*nt.)

 

[somerandomguy]

Congratulations on to you daughter, and congratulations to you!

I don't know that he's ever going to deserve your forgiveness, because that motherf*cker isn't sorry.

None of our abusers deserve forgiveness. Not one of them. It makes no difference if they're sorry or not. The only thing they deserve is to hang from a string.

Forgiveness isn't about them at all.

 

[mumstheword]

I have compassion for myself at the moment. All the compassion, belief, support, excuses, tolerance, deference, service, glorification even, I gave him for so many years, I hurt myself, by believing in him so much, for too many years.

I had to deny myself, to believe in him, he didn't believe in me, never. He told me, he planned me, plotted to snare a homeless girl, a grown man of 34, wanted a homeless girl "to mold" he only wanted me as a trophy, a slave, a vessel for his seed, a mindless drone, a minion, a good looking prop to make him look and sound better, so delighted I was so young,

but me? As a person? Someone to break and have submit, to keep, literally barefoot and pregnant, with wings clipped very short, never to be free to think for myself or even drive myself anywhere, drugged into stupor or gaslit, gaslit, gaslit.

He did it in so many wily, cunning, nasty, underhand, masterfully manipulative ways. Ways designed to demoralize and undermine, keep me exhausted, keep me drugged, keep me isolated, especially break me when I was sick, just had a baby, or when I complained or tried to gain any empowerment.

Knew how to say very hurtful things quietly, so that I would get upset and look like the "unstable one", how to deprive me of sleep constantly, how to get me to do the lion's share of all the work, while breastfeeding, pregnant or with a gaggle of little children to care for, how to deny me and the children care, supports, education, adequate housing, adequate food, medicine, access to anything but what he wanted, how to constantly chip me or break me or shame me or gaslight, gaslight, gaslight,

[He is] like a cult leader; I was brainwashed for so many years until I knew I would give out, my body couldn't take the stress, the emotional cruelty, the drugging, the starving, the sleep deprivation, the workload and the constantly being undermined while trying to carry out the workload.

Too too cunning and wily to beat me, no, he slow cooked me until I was so, so broken and shattered and barely alive, battered on the inside.
How he hates that I survived, left him and got me a kind guy. He tried to break me and discard me but I survived.
He's still f*cking with me by sabotaging his own children, predating on them, undermining them in wily, unkind ways but he's blind, they are going to break free and see him for what he is, a wily hebophile who lies and undermines, who drugs and plunders minds, who wants to be served and admired, while leading you into a quagmire.

 

[Freida]

I don't know if I can ever forgive him.

I don't know that he's ever going to deserve your forgiveness, because that motherf*cker isn't sorry.

I was going to comment on this but I like @Swift answer better!

How he hates that I survived, left him and got me a kind guy. He tried to break me and discard me but I survived.

Good! I hope he dies a little inside from anger and frustration every single time he sees you. Your life now is a great big f**k you to him. And I love that!

hey are going to break free and see him for what he is a wily hebophile who lies and undermines, who drugs and plunders minds, who wants to be served and admired, while leading you into a quagmire.

You do realize they can only do that because of you right? Because you got out and showed them it could be done?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Good! I hope he dies a little inside from anger and frustration every single time he sees you. Your life now is a great big f**k you to him I LOVE that!!!

Well said! @Freida
I have been getting caught up on your Diary. (((@mums))) You really ARE making progress!
You are doing REALLY GOOD work and this next hospitalization will do you even MORE GOOD than before!

I think eating right has a LOT to do with feeling better. I'm sure I would feel better if I tried harder...

You are such an inspiration when it comes to your unceasing desire to heal! I am sorry that I haven't been here much to cheer you on but I DO think of you often and send my LOVE AND PRAYERS TO YOU and YOURS!

YOU are LOVING your "babies" with JUST the RIGHT LOVE, and you WILL see them come TO YOU, and you will NEVER LOSE THEM!

Keep up the AWESOME WORK!!!