D
Deleted member 20280
Just to assure member I have already reported myself as a danger to the Public myself and the man who this log refers to. My Pyshce team are getting me seen within the hour for his sake not mine, I DO NOT want his BLOOD on my conscience **
Four weeks ago today I went into a mild dissociative state with pieces of Jigsaw popping into my minds eye of a trauma I was subjected to as a Child. I could not make head nor tail of it at first and simply did not sleep but journalled what I saw, heard or read on the trauma day in question. Slowly the picture started to take Clarity after approx 8 days. Last night was crunch night, 16 days with only 8 hours sleep is never good, Trust me I know I do this all the time because of what they did to me as a kid.
Well, Back to 8 days ago. The words were clear, his name, the word knife and Anal Rape very clear but I could not put the rest of the pieces together until 2200 hrs. last night. The day in question My eight Birthday. My Punishment Right this is the then 15 yr old who likes to rape little boys anally. forcing himself ( I will be brutal and Blunt because if I am not, I will fester this memory and I will trust me If I do not thread this one properly..... I WILL HURT HIM.).
He forced himself so violently inside my anus he split me, he forced objects inside me for his own pleasure, I tried to fight him off, aged 7, aged 8. then this happened. This violent child rapist Bastard produced an 18 inch Butcher knife and proceeded to force into me ANALLY.
This bastard tried to kill me at the age of 8 yrs because I made too much f*cking noise crying because he was hurting me so badly. Forcing hismself into me anally so hard he was laughing like a man possessed just for his own self gratification how can any person male or female get off on this sick sadistic Sodomy of an Innocent f*cking EIGHT YR OLD. . . . ME!
The very next person to ask me if I know what it is like to be raped will be told in no uncertain terms to f*ck off.
And yes I get asked that f*cking question all the f*cking time, Humiliating me every day of my miserable f*cking non life at this moment in time. If anyone asks me where I have been for the last 4 weeks. Guess what..... I have been stuck in a f*cking loop aged 8 having a f*cking carving knife rammed up my ass every day for nearly 4 f*cking weeks, I just did not know this until 2200 last night and this one has hurt me that deep I may in fact take a few selfish hours to ground myself, cos know what I don't, I put others before myself every time, Well this time is my time, I will not be here for at least another three hours,
I make absolutely no apologies for the brutal honesty and graphic details of my logs, and never have. I never will. This is not my "Story" and that bloody word insences me evey time I hear it I want to scream ** this is NOT a fking Story this is Realy FKING life.... It happened to me and it fking HURT, A story is a tale of imagination. My life is not a f*cking story. My life happened. I reiterate my comments, Anxiety for a PTSD Sufferer is about what we have survived and lived through the pain involved, NOT the fear of something that has not an maybe will never actually f*cking happen.
You will not see me be this brutally honest again for a long time. Any one want to call me out on this thread and you know exactly who you are, bring it on. Because This fella can handle you any day of the week, If this fella can survive this Bastard, you are like a warm f*cking jelly baby under my shoe. Leave me alone - do not interact with me again. I don't want to be banned and I will not be the one acting like a spoilt teenager.
Ok, 2 ostriches one shot, This is probably my most open frank and honest thread yet.
The member referred to knows who they are and how they have upset me today. I have been reliving the worst day of my life and I get questioned about MY Integrity and professional attitude to therapy. I spent 12 years as a fully qualified Suicide Negotiation Officer and Qualified Hostage Intervention Tech level three to know that what I am doing and to have faith in my ability to actually make a difference and help others here and in my chosen careers path. In twelve years I lost only 5 suicides out of 2013 total real suicide calls to the 999 service, some record and f*ck yeah I am PROUD! I never doubted my ability to save other peoples lives thank-you and never will, You called me out here I am bollocks on show, don't like the aftermath eh, Don't pick a fight with ME! You WILL Lose
By the way, you just LOST!
Now please with respect, leave me alone, I will not be interacting with you ever again.
I have made my Choice and I am sticking to it, I don't like it when people ask for my help, I give it and this kind of crap is the repayment I get.
I will go into no further details about that side matter save to say please do not ask me for details because I will refuse. I have spoken my bloody mind for once here and YES it feels good.!
Inside bloody Santa is a real man, a real victim subjected to some of the most brutal sexual attacks ever.
Oh and to top it all the CPS told me and I quote (NO CASE TO ANSWER - THE DEFENDANT SAYS THE COMPLAINANT WAS WILLING AND THAT THIS WAS NOTHING MORE THAN CHILDHOOD MUTUAL MASTURBATION.).
Will someone clarify how the f*ck trying to shove a knife up an eight year old boys bottom can possibly be mutual and a willing participant. Oh Yeah I don't think so.
This man is a depraved child rapist who does not deserve to share the same airspace as me, I have as I said at the start of this log,
a) reported myself correctly and properly to the authorities, Police and Social Service, Psychiatric Services
b) I have taken time to journal this thread properly and not skipped corners because I KNOW how important these kind of journal entries are to document correctly, precisely and most importantly honestly and open, with no sense of shame. I was 8 and he 15, everyone on this forum knows I had no chance to survive this attack on my younger self.
I have been asked why Little Laurie gets so scared of the nasty side of Laurie....... BECAUSE OF WHAT THIS BASTARD DID TO HIM.
If I let the bad side of me out, the personification of my hatred of my abusers, then guess what, the next time I wrestle an Armed Police officers Gun off him and try and shoot his balls off I was so enraged, I may succeed. because when I let HIM out, Run away, Run away fast, don't look back coz what you will see will be real and I will not be responsible for him, I have been warning people off forum to stop winding that side of me up all the time, because one day I will lose control of HIM.
Until that day arrives and I pray to every god fake, real, make believe i really dont give a shit that I never lose control of that side of me again.
I AM A BASTARD when I am HIM!
I can hurt people and I have. Many times in my life.
OK, writing this thread has served three purposes, reading and re- reading it as I type had grounded me to the fact that this was an event that happened I was involved in. It is not happening now and all I have is a latent connected memory as outlined in the thread. My chosen therapy is the warrior technique which has taught me the skills to disconnect the emotional thread connection between trauma event and trauma memory of event, The two are not the same one is a physical act the other a memory of that physical act. I have been taught that by journalling like this, Honestly however brutal and upsetting for the reader really is the best way to get it all out onto a computer screen or a piece of paper.
Finally and importantly it has re instilled my belief in my capacity to get through this without shedding anyone's blood, I have not, I have shed thousands of personal tears tonight. I will not spend another moment at this time, even looking at this log.
Signing off for three hours to get some work done, or I cant pay the bills..
Laurie
Four weeks ago today I went into a mild dissociative state with pieces of Jigsaw popping into my minds eye of a trauma I was subjected to as a Child. I could not make head nor tail of it at first and simply did not sleep but journalled what I saw, heard or read on the trauma day in question. Slowly the picture started to take Clarity after approx 8 days. Last night was crunch night, 16 days with only 8 hours sleep is never good, Trust me I know I do this all the time because of what they did to me as a kid.
Well, Back to 8 days ago. The words were clear, his name, the word knife and Anal Rape very clear but I could not put the rest of the pieces together until 2200 hrs. last night. The day in question My eight Birthday. My Punishment Right this is the then 15 yr old who likes to rape little boys anally. forcing himself ( I will be brutal and Blunt because if I am not, I will fester this memory and I will trust me If I do not thread this one properly..... I WILL HURT HIM.).
He forced himself so violently inside my anus he split me, he forced objects inside me for his own pleasure, I tried to fight him off, aged 7, aged 8. then this happened. This violent child rapist Bastard produced an 18 inch Butcher knife and proceeded to force into me ANALLY.
This bastard tried to kill me at the age of 8 yrs because I made too much f*cking noise crying because he was hurting me so badly. Forcing hismself into me anally so hard he was laughing like a man possessed just for his own self gratification how can any person male or female get off on this sick sadistic Sodomy of an Innocent f*cking EIGHT YR OLD. . . . ME!
The very next person to ask me if I know what it is like to be raped will be told in no uncertain terms to f*ck off.
And yes I get asked that f*cking question all the f*cking time, Humiliating me every day of my miserable f*cking non life at this moment in time. If anyone asks me where I have been for the last 4 weeks. Guess what..... I have been stuck in a f*cking loop aged 8 having a f*cking carving knife rammed up my ass every day for nearly 4 f*cking weeks, I just did not know this until 2200 last night and this one has hurt me that deep I may in fact take a few selfish hours to ground myself, cos know what I don't, I put others before myself every time, Well this time is my time, I will not be here for at least another three hours,
I make absolutely no apologies for the brutal honesty and graphic details of my logs, and never have. I never will. This is not my "Story" and that bloody word insences me evey time I hear it I want to scream ** this is NOT a fking Story this is Realy FKING life.... It happened to me and it fking HURT, A story is a tale of imagination. My life is not a f*cking story. My life happened. I reiterate my comments, Anxiety for a PTSD Sufferer is about what we have survived and lived through the pain involved, NOT the fear of something that has not an maybe will never actually f*cking happen.
You will not see me be this brutally honest again for a long time. Any one want to call me out on this thread and you know exactly who you are, bring it on. Because This fella can handle you any day of the week, If this fella can survive this Bastard, you are like a warm f*cking jelly baby under my shoe. Leave me alone - do not interact with me again. I don't want to be banned and I will not be the one acting like a spoilt teenager.
Ok, 2 ostriches one shot, This is probably my most open frank and honest thread yet.
The member referred to knows who they are and how they have upset me today. I have been reliving the worst day of my life and I get questioned about MY Integrity and professional attitude to therapy. I spent 12 years as a fully qualified Suicide Negotiation Officer and Qualified Hostage Intervention Tech level three to know that what I am doing and to have faith in my ability to actually make a difference and help others here and in my chosen careers path. In twelve years I lost only 5 suicides out of 2013 total real suicide calls to the 999 service, some record and f*ck yeah I am PROUD! I never doubted my ability to save other peoples lives thank-you and never will, You called me out here I am bollocks on show, don't like the aftermath eh, Don't pick a fight with ME! You WILL Lose
By the way, you just LOST!
Now please with respect, leave me alone, I will not be interacting with you ever again.
I have made my Choice and I am sticking to it, I don't like it when people ask for my help, I give it and this kind of crap is the repayment I get.
I will go into no further details about that side matter save to say please do not ask me for details because I will refuse. I have spoken my bloody mind for once here and YES it feels good.!
Inside bloody Santa is a real man, a real victim subjected to some of the most brutal sexual attacks ever.
Oh and to top it all the CPS told me and I quote (NO CASE TO ANSWER - THE DEFENDANT SAYS THE COMPLAINANT WAS WILLING AND THAT THIS WAS NOTHING MORE THAN CHILDHOOD MUTUAL MASTURBATION.).
Will someone clarify how the f*ck trying to shove a knife up an eight year old boys bottom can possibly be mutual and a willing participant. Oh Yeah I don't think so.
This man is a depraved child rapist who does not deserve to share the same airspace as me, I have as I said at the start of this log,
a) reported myself correctly and properly to the authorities, Police and Social Service, Psychiatric Services
b) I have taken time to journal this thread properly and not skipped corners because I KNOW how important these kind of journal entries are to document correctly, precisely and most importantly honestly and open, with no sense of shame. I was 8 and he 15, everyone on this forum knows I had no chance to survive this attack on my younger self.
I have been asked why Little Laurie gets so scared of the nasty side of Laurie....... BECAUSE OF WHAT THIS BASTARD DID TO HIM.
If I let the bad side of me out, the personification of my hatred of my abusers, then guess what, the next time I wrestle an Armed Police officers Gun off him and try and shoot his balls off I was so enraged, I may succeed. because when I let HIM out, Run away, Run away fast, don't look back coz what you will see will be real and I will not be responsible for him, I have been warning people off forum to stop winding that side of me up all the time, because one day I will lose control of HIM.
Until that day arrives and I pray to every god fake, real, make believe i really dont give a shit that I never lose control of that side of me again.
I AM A BASTARD when I am HIM!
I can hurt people and I have. Many times in my life.
OK, writing this thread has served three purposes, reading and re- reading it as I type had grounded me to the fact that this was an event that happened I was involved in. It is not happening now and all I have is a latent connected memory as outlined in the thread. My chosen therapy is the warrior technique which has taught me the skills to disconnect the emotional thread connection between trauma event and trauma memory of event, The two are not the same one is a physical act the other a memory of that physical act. I have been taught that by journalling like this, Honestly however brutal and upsetting for the reader really is the best way to get it all out onto a computer screen or a piece of paper.
Finally and importantly it has re instilled my belief in my capacity to get through this without shedding anyone's blood, I have not, I have shed thousands of personal tears tonight. I will not spend another moment at this time, even looking at this log.
Signing off for three hours to get some work done, or I cant pay the bills..
Laurie
