The Pain Never Ends....There's only one solution. What did you do when you felt like this?

[kocean]

Hello

I've been suicidal for three years, everyday, non stop and had two attempts. I have no family, no friends, no partner, no support networks, no career. I don't have anything to tether me to this reality. The getting 'out there' chat sounds like bullshit when you life is like this, no one wants to know you because you dont have anything to offer them.

I've blown my life up in the last few years since my primary care giver died. A lot of trauma came to the surface and new memories but they came through subtly and it simply felt like something was slowly taking over me. in the process I lost creative career, dream of living by the sea and most importantly someone who I felt safe with, love by and loved. I lost her due to me abruptly ending which I came to understand as push before being pushed and connected to the grief. Two years later I went back to apologise it went well, I felt deeply sad but thought well at least in time we might keep in contact. She came back wanting to meet up and I was evasive and sidestepping in my response and she shut things down. Understandably, I look at the message now and wonder who wrote it. I didnt realise there was another aspect of me who is terrified of the closeness. Its seemed in this connection these new aspects would come online and there was no time for me to know them and reparent them, I couldn't tell her what I didnt know and by the time I knew it was too late.

Life is bleak. I have no reason to be here. I'm in therapy twice per week. None of it helps, it either brings up more uncomfortable feelings for me to hold all on my own which further activates CPTSD because that's what it was like - holding all the feelings and pain on my own. I don't consider therapy co regulating, just activating and leaving me with more bleakness week after week.

So I spend my time planning now, trying to find the most effective method. I've already been in hospital twice over the last two years. I need to get it right this time because I really can't bare to be here with all my f*cking mistakes and all the loss and holding it all on my own for so long. It'sreally just become too much.

Can anyone relate? Been in similar place? If so, any thoughts?

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @kocean , yes i can relate a great deal. I felt like that for decades. I'm a creative also. What was the creative career you lost? Also, if you could, what would you offer yourself to help?

 

[arfie]

yes, i can relate intimately. i never did find a microwave solution, but gratitude/appreciation exercises were my breakthrough in finding my way out of this sucking black hole of desperation. in learning how to appreciate little things, i opened the door to healing possibilities, many of which had been there all along, waiting patiently for me to open up my heart.

 

[Ecdysis]

Ketamine therapy helped me. It's used to relieve suicidal ideation pretty much immediately. There's a few threads about it here on the forum.

 

[kocean]

Hello @kocean , yes i can relate a great deal. I felt like that for decades. I'm a creative also. What was the creative career you lost? Also, if you could, what would you offer yourself to help?

@Survivor3 Thanks for the response. Means a lot because it's hard to find people who get it. I was a writer. What do you do, if you dont mind sharing here? Did you manage to keep your creativity all the way through these decades?

Unsure what you mean by offering my self...I do a lot of reparenting work and therapy. I don't do much else, mainly because I am so collapsed (dorsal legal shutdown) and feel intense hopelessness.

 

[kocean]

yes, i can relate intimately. i never did find a microwave solution, but gratitude/appreciation exercises were my breakthrough in finding my way out of this sucking black hole of desperation. in learning how to appreciate little things, i opened the door to healing possibilities, many of which had been there all along, waiting patiently for me to open up my heart.

thanks. I practice gratitude and doesn't seem to help me. Maybe I am resistant to that treatment!

 

[kocean]

Ketamine therapy helped me. It's used to relieve suicidal ideation pretty much immediately. There's a few threads about it here on the forum.

@Ecdysis thank you I will try to check it out. Did you go through an authorised health service or other means?

 

[Ecdysis]

@Ecdysis thank you I will try to check it out. Did you go through an authorised health service or other means?

Yes, by pure luck I found an authorised treatment center that took me on as a patient. It's been a life-changer for me.

 

[kocean]

I just came back form therapy. the therapist is annoying and often says things that I feel just make matters worse.

I told her I was angry that the terrorisation I experienced as child has left an aspect of me terrified of being close to people because this aspect of me believes people who get close annihilate us.

She started suggesting part of my suicidal ideation was me wanting to 'kill off' the terrified aspect.

I became quite upset by this because it's quite clear that she does not understand that I have been trying hold that aspect of me, let it know it was horrible and it makes sense to be terrified, they don't have to not be terrified, and that not everyone is terrifying. I have only just met this aspect of me and unfortunately this came online during a relationship, the first one in my life where I felt safe enough to feel closeness. it's been a devastating loss for me and I sense for my ex partner.

I was trying to explain to her that my ideation comes from the fact I am 44 and have nothing, no space of my own to live in, no friends, family immediate or extended, no career/vocation, nothing, seeing how abuse has ravage my life despite how much I have tried to heal, to live etc. - my life is basically desolate and all the reparenting in the world is not going to change that.

Each time I look out the the little crack of my cave its people with their full lives and it is very painful because I have tried, tried so f*cking hard and it always just comes undone in the end and I'm tired.

I've been in this deeply suicidal state for three years. I've been looking at bottles of gas today. I have had attempts before but this feels different. I dont think I am trying to anaesthetise with thinking which I recognise can and has been the case before. This feels very different because I am being very calm and clear and calculated about it. It's like I am taking very deliberate steps down a very specific corridor that will lead to a very specific door. anyway, just sharing the thoughts.

 

[Survivor3]

@Survivor3 Thanks for the response. Means a lot because it's hard to find people who get it. I was a writer. What do you do, if you dont mind sharing here? Did you manage to keep your creativity all the way through these decades?

Unsure what you mean by offering my self...I do a lot of reparenting work and therapy. I don't do much else, mainly because I am so collapsed (dorsal legal shutdown) and feel intense hopelessness.

I'm glad to hear that you were a writer. As a teenager i was involved in a theatre company at school, loved it and we were all good at it, had great teachers. Then i got a scholarship at a contemporary dance college in the big city nearby. The first year was great, I was a A grade student but I was drinking heavily all the time and had really bad social skills, was quite quiet and didn't know how to make friends.

I had suffered alot of trauma as a child from my alcoholic and abusive father. Anyway I was nearly murdered in a racist attack before my 2nd year. It finished me off. I just couldn't cope. I f*cked up my degree for many reasons, some my fault, some just because of things that happened to me. Anyway... music has been my major love and companion of my life above and beyond all else. I used to play drums but now I'm getting professional tuition on the alto saxophone, taking my grade 3 exam this year. I also write my own music and hope to form a band at some point.

I'm happy now, I'm scarred but happy. I had to work at it though, fighting the mental health services to get on the right meds etc, and their general incompetence. And working on myself, being patient with my goals, little steps.

By "offer yourself" I meant if you were having a conversation with yourself, what would you say to yourself? How would you try to help yourself? And I know that can be hard when your feeling so low but I find it useful.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Each time I look out the the little crack of my cave its people with their full lives and it is very painful because I have tried, tried so f*cking hard and it always just comes undone in the end and I'm tired.

I have no family, no friends, no partner, no support networks, no career. I don't have anything to tether me to this reality. The getting 'out there' chat sounds like bullshit when you life is like this, no one wants to know you because you dont have anything to offer them.

I was evasive and sidestepping in my response and she shut things down. Understandably, I look at the message now and wonder who wrote it. I didnt realise there was another aspect of me who is terrified of the closeness. Its seemed in this connection these new aspects would come online and there was no time for me to know them and reparent them, I couldn't tell her what I didnt know and by the time I knew it was too late.

Life is bleak. I have no reason to be here.

I can relate to all of this since I also never really "achieved" anything in life it seems. Makes it harder to find things to talk about when nothing happens. I'm not OK with any closeness or showing vulnerability since it feels like I could get hurt and in a way it's true.

Hope you can accept if you're unwell mentally and/or physically then it's not always possible to get everything in order. It's just not, and surviving comes first. Make sense?

 

[arfie]

Maybe I am resistant to that treatment!

i was, as well. early into my own recovery, i was resistant to just about everything. resistance was most of what i had known in my life. gratitude and appreciation were absent, altogether.

then came the day i was desperate enough to try just about everything.

i'm still a contrarian, but? ? ? balance in all things.