The Real Man Behind Santa

[Deleted member 20280]

Recently the real Laurie has been having a really tough time, both mentally and emotionally.

My inner PTSD cup has been rattled and spilt so many times the scared and lonely side of me has become very public due to situations and triggers in my personal life. I always try so hard to keep that 'Me' hidden for my own self protection, as when I lose control, I really lose it both emotionally and mentally. When this happens I cannot stop myself from spiraling downwards into the pit I ended up in last year. I broke myself and everyone I loved around me so badly this time last year I was on self destruct, last week I knew, if I did not cry out as the real Laurie and not 'Santa' I would simply crash again, hit the bottle with vengeance, I would be out of control with my drinking, the temptation of drugs was so high last week I would have ended up where I was a year ago.

Unfortunately I failed to keep that side of "Santa" hidden/under control.

I let out all of the pent up emotion last week on the forum as a cry for help, something I would not have even considered last year. Numerous members were there to pick me up and believe me 'Help' me in such a way it really did bring home to me that I am here for help and support from others the same as others come to me for that kind of support.

I (real Laurie) have always wanted to be there to help others, I simply forget that sometimes there is still the sufferer inside me who needs the same help from time to time.

My crash last week has taught me that even though I consider myself a 'Survivor', there is still that sufferer inside me, and as so many members, myself included advise new-comers to "Think of ourselves before others"
I don't most of the time.

My professional career prior to my breakdown was just that. Me being there for others regardless of my own issues. I was an emergency 999 call-taker and response dispatcher. I always came 2nd no matter what happened. The distressed caller facing whatever their emergency situation was at that precise moment was my priority, my own emotions, troubles simply did not matter. I was their link with the people that could save them, and believe me as there are others on here who have been blue-light, 999 controllers, you put yourself 2nd all the time.

Breaking that way of thinking has been really hard for me , I just see someone in pain or emotional turmoil and I react, the way I would have professionally, I go into protect and help mode. The ex-soldier in me was there to protect innocence and the 999 call-taker in me for the last 15 years was there just the same, to help anyone who cried out for help.

I had to cry out for help last week and for everyone here who has been there for me the last few weeks whilst I have been desperately trying to fight back my emotions, I (Laurie) would like to extend a huge thank-you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I simply forget that sometimes there is still the sufferer inside me who needs the same help from time to time.

I so understand that struggle. I have learned a lot in the last year myself. In the last few months I've really started to understand what advocating for myself means and last year I learned that I can't not do that or I won't make it. I am a teacher and it's time to go back to school. I am in such a better place this year because I have made people (mostly the principal) know some of what I need. I have to remember that I need to take care of me in order to be the best helper I can be for those I am trying to help.

I am proud of you for your message above and for reaching out for help on here when you really needed it through these last few weeks.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Many, many :hug:'s to a very wise and courageous man.

 

[arfie]

I consider an honest inventory of my own condition and capabilities to be a critical first step in helping others. It isn't very helpful when I promise to be someone's savior and am only able to deliver a quivering wreck. Sometimes taking care of me is the most helpful thing I can do.

Be gentle with yourself, Wise Laurie. It is okay to be merely human.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Thank-you @arfie These last few weeks have made me realise only too well that I really do have to take time out every now and again to self care.

I want to be there when others need support and yes I can on 75% of the time do just that.

I will however from now on be taking the other 25% as time for me.

 

[Amalia]

Hi Laurie,
You are so memorable to me because ofyour replies to my thread the very first time I came on here. I admit I did wonder at the time how it came to be that you were seemingly so able to support others, yet you are a sufferer yourself, with responsibilities and heartbreak I couldn`t even begin to fathom. In PTSD and me, it manifests itself in the most horrible ways towards those I love. Yet on here we are our truest selves, because there is no fear. Thankyou for the like, I reiterate that I sincerely hope you feel better soonest xx

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Amalia thank-you for your kind reply.

The rare times I have an 'Episode' like recently I tend not to document here on the forum.

That said I do post them usually retrospectively. My main mission for the future is to be a Peer-Supporter for Ex-Servicemen with PTSD and I am being trained as an outreach worker just for that.

My employment history meant that I was always there for others, usually at the detriment of my own problems.

Yes I dissociated several times over the last 20+ years and tried to take my own life at least 4 times as a result. I came close to ruining my marriage each time. The last one I actually did destroy it along with the relationship I had with my three eldest now teenage children. I accept responsibility and the humility that goes with that acceptance.

I truly do believe that we all have it in us to recover to the best we can. This episode has taught me my own vulnerabilities and that if I am to truly become a Peer-Supporter I need to fully understand my own strengths and weaknesses.

Kindest regards

Laurie

 

[scout86]

Unfortunately I failed to keep that side of "Santa" hidden/under control.

You may disagree, but I think you put entirely too much effort into keeping that part of yourself hidden. Maybe you're not ready to deal with it yet, I don't know. But, it IS part of YOU. You're ok, really you are, and that "part" is ok too. It may be frightening at the moment and seem like it needs to be hidden and caged, but it's a real part of the person you are. That person is good and kind and caring, so I refuse to believe this "part" is evil and needs caging. I refuse to be afraid of that "part" of you.

My T says that these various "parts" were, at one time, adaptive. They developed for reasons and existed to help keep us alive, either literally or figuratively. As we move on with our lives, their functions may become outdated, but they may persist. He tells me to "ask them" where they came from and to explain what they see their "job" as being. Understanding their role helps make them less frightening. Sometimes we just need to find them a new "job".

One other thing. Accepting responsibility for our mistakes is a good thing. Using that to beat ourselves up isn't. You went through a bad spell a year ago, true. Things happened that you regret and you are having to suffer consequences, true. But, even then, you were doing the absolute best you knew how to do at the time. Please accept that too! You're working hard to heal and move on and do better. That's wonderful. But, forgive yourself too, like you would someone else. If you can't find a way to do that, it will be hard to really move on.

 

[Amalia]

I would have to agree. Laurie you`re not on here to hide your episodes - this is one of the very few, if not the only place we can come to where others understand just what happens during those times. I`d hate to think you were hiding it from the people you are close to on here.. Really. Me included.

And we want to be there for you as you have been there for us.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well now is the time to get real, break the act, and work on healing. Hiding behind a santa persona isn't really doing you any good at this point, is it? I remember that night in chat, and you were in crisis yet refused to call off work as you weren't ill. Uhm, NEWS FLASH, you ARE ill... Just because you're not puking your guts up every 10 minutes due to a stomach bug or battling life threatening cancer doesn't mean you aren't ill. It irritated me to hear you say that as I could see your attitude was much like that of the rest of the world.....ie, PTSD isn't a REAL illness, so just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with life! Sad, I didn't think we'd get that sort of attitude from one of our own. Guess I got to know you a little bit better that night, sorry to say.

 

[digger]

Personally, I'd prefer to see the real Laurie here rather than Santa. I appreciate they are both sides to your personality, so are both you in that respect....I'm not really sure how to phrase this without it upsetting you, which is not my intention...It's hard enough to figure out whether people are being genuine and their true selves on the internet already (and in other places come to that). I know we all project an image of ourselves that we'd like people to see to some extent, but I don't think this is the place for that.

It seems you have a need to be liked, to be popular possibly, to be seen as the 'good guy' - and those things are understandable, but I honestly think those things are achievable to the real Laurie.

I have to say that I've actually been put off by the Santa persona. When I first came on this site you were Laurie, and you talked about the reasons you were here, warts and all. And I appreciated that because it was honest and real. The whole Santa thing just feels like you're hiding to me, not just from other people, but from yourself too.

This isn't Facebook. It's a mental health forum. In my opinion you will benefit more from it by keeping it real.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@digger thank-you.

As a scared little boy I created masks for myself that I could wear at a whim, whenever I needed to hide from the reality of life. The little boy in my Avatar depicts exactly how I was when I was alone, just that, alone for most of my childhood. A beaten and bruised little child who cried himself to sleep or was simply too petrified to even try sleeping.

Santa_Laurie was born in the forum. Yet another mask to hide the real me who needed yet another mask to wear when the need arose.

Simply put. Laurie is tired of hiding behind persona's and masks to hide his inner weaknesses. My young adulthood as a Serviceman ended up nearly as brutal as my childhood. I joined the Military to escape my childhood as many Servicemen/women do.

Time to bear my soul.

Inside this man is a caring individual who really does care more for others than himself. Never put first as a child, always being second best to his other siblings. Sobbing inside for decades until last years meltdown.

The 'Real' me needs to live. I have hidden the real me all my life, well no more.

When I came to this forum as a scared adult, just diagnosed after years of suffering whilst having no idea why I behaved the way I did I started to learn from the senior members.

Real Laurie did survive every assault and beating during his childhood, he has so far survived everything life has thrown at him and remained strong regardless.

The last year and 3 months I have been a member of this forum have in fact taught me one simple truth. I did survive and will survive this time as well.

Sorry to those who may miss 'Santa' but I am afraid my final mask is no more. Real Laurie or nothing from now on. I will still be me, the member who is more than happy to help in whatever small way he can anyone who reaches out for support. Just with a slight difference, the acceptance finally that Laurie is just as vulnerable as anyone else.