The Science Behind Abusive Relationships

[Casey_03]

I have been thinking a lot lately about abusive relationships and remembered something I learned years and years ago about why people with addictive personalities often end up in codependent, abusive relationships. And how abuse can be an addiction.

I couldn't find any article to back up this idea, partly because I couldn't remember the scientific terms to describe this phenomenon, but I figured I should try and explain here and see if anyone else on the forum has heard this or agrees with it.

Basically, the idea is that any unpredictable pattern of positive reinforcement can make someone addicted to something. Think of gambling in a casino. The reason most people become addicted to gambling is because the pattern of winning/losing is unpredictable. Think of someone at a slot machine. They lose several times, making their desire to win in order to compensate for losses stronger each time, then they finally do win, giving them the idea that they can win again. So they keep playing, only to keep losing repeatedly, but they don't give up because in the back of their mind there is still that remote possibility of winning again. They are convinced they will win again, they just don't know when. So they keep going and going and going, despite losses ....

The same thing happens in many abusive relationships. The abused stays because they tell themselves "oh, but when things are good, they're REALLY good." So they put up with the abuse and all the negatives because they are convinced that somewhere on the horizon, the good will come back. It's an addiction, just like gambling.

I remember learning about this when I studied psychology years ago, and there was some study that actually found that specific ratios of positive vs. negative reinforcement led to addiction (in behaviors and relationships, not actual drugs). Has anyone else ever read about this? Thoughts? I find the whole thing really fascinating.

 

[Friday]

The term is "Theory of Random Reward". :D

***

((I can't seem to stop talking, today.))

And it is HUGELY useful in parenting. Cuts down massively on tantrums, as you know to both pick your battles (if you're gonna say no? Back it up with action, because if it takes 11 minutes of screaming to get a yes? Now every single tantrum will last at least 11 minutes... Until you give in at 40 minutes, and then THAT resets the clock... Or you are consistent with your no's for enough months and months that the brain forgets there used to be a clock, or decibel level, or level of violence which turns a no into a yes).

Consistent Consistent Consistent on disciplinary action.
Randomly rewarding positive action.

For true, it's like the EasyButton fell out of the sky, and landed on my head when I learned this (my son was a baby just entering toddlerhood). Nothing but nothin is more useful in training humans than knowing to reward at random intervals & levels for the behaviors you reeeally want to reinforce.

And, cha... That exact same hard-wiring of the brain? Is über-present in addiction, abuse, and a whole lot of other seriously not good things.

There are a lot of awesome areas it's used in, too. Like authoritative parenting, but also teaching, science, arts/music, sport... It's the same patterning / attempt to make sense of chaos that drives invention/innovation/discovery... The "what IF" factor & "what's DIFFERENT" question. I got this cool thing! How can I get it again? If I do it like this? No. Like that? Huh. No. Liiiiiiike thissssssssss? Wait. Did it happen??? Did I miss it? Do it again! Slower! Faster! Longer! Wait. I've got an idea! LIKE THIS? Louder!

Nothing, but nothing, sets the brain on fire with trying to repeat an event, than a random reward.

Sometimes <awesome thing> happens! How do I make it happen??? It happened. I did something and it happened! What did I do? Do it again!

((This also comes into play with trauma... The brain searching for "what did I do to cause this?" & "Why???"... As if trauma is a reward. It may well be the same process, evolutionarily. The brain relaxes once it's got a cause. But it flips the f*ck out with Random Reward & life threatening trauma. Just does.))

But if reward happens consistently? The brain loses interest. Just like if punishment happens randomly, it loses interest. Excluding CritA trauma.

This used to be pure DevPsych (softest of the psychs). But BioPsych (hardest of the psychs) has been working on mapping the physiological processes of this for ages. We've gotten parts of the pathways involved, but don't have a total picture as yet.

 

[pixel]

Hello @Casey_03 :happy:

Can you please post with paragraphs in your text, it is difficult to read.

Thank you :bookworm:

 

[joeylittle]

@pixel - done. Next time, go ahead and hit 'report' so staff find it faster (@Casey_03 would not have been able to edit)

 

[Recovery4Me]

There are most certainly viable articles presenting some of your views @Casey_03 , for instance -
Link Removed

However, co-morbid axis has often been found to be prevalent among those with PTSD. For instance:
"Among participants with PTSD, 93 percent had at least one comorbid psychiatric disorder. Among males, having any psychiatric diagnosis significantly increased the odds of having comorbid PTSD." http://www.ojjdp.gov/pubs/239603.pdf

Codependence (which falls on that axis, so I am told) can often be a conditioned result within repetitive childhood abuse during rearing by the family of origin (FOO). It has been offered to me (by my therapist, doctors, and a few other agencies), that it was an hard wired survival trait, not an addiction per se but mind conditioning. Therefore, during my abusive relationships, I fell into the only manner that I knew at that time, to survive the immediate domestic abuse by placating.

Often, within the Domestic Violent Relationships, a person whom experienced C-PTSD can be further manipulated due to prior grooming. Told in several variations, that if they try harder, things will be OK, it becomes the mantle to which is clung. So the victim continues to try to fix the relationship, be more perfect. Some of us often see no way out due to the barrage of verbal abuse that tears down our already lowered self esteem.

Eventually, if in the relationship continues long enough, the victim may believe that they can not make it without the abuser or that the intimate partner (abuser) will hurt/find/kill them if they leave. Statistics unfortunately seems to prove this out- way too often. Denial is strong within these trauma bonds and often more is involved than aligning those whom are abused with sole correlation of an set of poor choices resulting from that of an personality defect (such as that of just addiction).

As I post this, I am reminded to thank those many members among the board, whom assisted me in finding my strength to face what was happening and flee to safety. I am not saying this current solo year has been all roses...but I am saying that I am alive, healing and working hard in therapy to discover my true value. May those whom are still suffering in silence, be freed as well.

~Thanks for opening this thread.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I have been thinking a lot lately about abusive relationships and remembered something I learned years...

Casey_03,
I have read similar material about the information you presented and have had my share of abusive relationships. I have found that as I've healed, I've continued to attract similar partners though I'm recognizing the signs and getting out earlier than in the past. I have read articles about individuals reliving their abuse through current relationships and when someone's unwilling or unable to heal, those toxic relationships continue. We tend to attract what we need to heal within ourselves. I agree in that some of it is conditioned behavior and what we know or are "comfortable" with. At some point within the process, we realize how much energy is consumed in toxic connections and consciously make different choices.

 

[Tinyflame]

Many 'likes' @Recovery4Me .