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the shame monster

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IamFree

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I seem to be heading for a journey in to the shame issue and I am discovering recently that shame is often at the core of my acting out ..the anger sadness addictions E.T.C. I am finding it difficult to take part in life because of feeling somehow fundamentally shameful ..its like i walk around and i think what i have done is written all over me for everyone to read. At other times i feel like i am creating a fake image of innocence to otheres while feeling dirty on the inside. it seems its not enough knowing that people dont need to know everything about me , its like its enough that i know, . We become the world we born in to and i do not know how to leave it. i feel like i do not deserve decent people and things in my life that i am a low life.
 
Shame, such an ugly distortion of who we are. I understand this one and have worked really hard to not believe how worthLESS and bad and wrong I felt I was.

Reading the book, 'Healing the Shame That Binds You', by John Bradshaw, was a major turning point in my life. Learning what 'toxic shame' is... that is what you and I are carrying. Or I was. There is good healthy shame, that tells us, for instance, that stealing from someone is just wrong. Toxic shame tells us WE are bad and wrong, not the action we choose..

In healthy shame, we return what we took, apologize, and never do it again. In toxic shame, we keep what we took, look at it to remind us how awful and wrong and useless we are to society and the people around us. Does this sound or feel familiar?

I highly recommend this book.. it's easier for you to read it and take from what it , what you need in your life right now.. than for me to write a novella on how to change the feelings and thoughts..

We become the world we born in to and i do not know how to leave it
Yes, this.^^^. But, you are here. Trying to learn new ways to find your own truth. Not the truth you were born into... And you are beginning to leave that world, by asking questions, and sharing what is bothering you, or keeping you from moving forward...

Hope this helped.. Toxic shame is something we can do something about. So, hope you find some answers for yourself. Glad you reached out.
 
yes indeed I need to let go of this belief that I cant love and be loved because of things I have done...I shall buy that book and read it when I am on holiday next month. ..I am already starting to pull apart the different kinds of shame I am experiencing such as the background issue..the things I have done but also the shame that has been given to me by others . the only way out is through they say.
 
Thanks for the recommendation @ladee. Shame is a recurrent feeling that I'm more or less aware of at different times. I relate to feeling like a "low-life". When I watch a movie, there's a part of me that gets triggered and identifies with the "low-life". For example, I was shook when I saw the movie, Monster, because there's a part of me that feels like the main character, especially the scene when she's under an overpass waiting for her next John, it's raining, and she looks chewed up and spit out. This is despite the fact that I have advanced degrees and by most people am seen as "respectable". But whenever I interact with anyone, I always have this sense that they have ulterior thoughts and motives about what they "really" think about me. I've come along way from what I used to be like. At least now, I question whether people do have no respect for me, but I still have a lot of work to do.
 
I got the Bradshaw book! So far, I think it is an excellent account of the experience of shame. I do prefer books explicitly on ptsd as a causal explanation that I think goes to the heart of shame and other toxic affects. But in reading ahead, I'm looking forward to his recommendations about how to overcome toxic shame.
 
Thanks for the recommendation @ladee. Shame is a recurrent feeling that I'm more or less aware of at different times. I relate to feeling like a "low-life". When I watch a movie, there's a part of me that gets triggered and identifies with the "low-life". For example, I was shook when I saw the movie, Monster, because there's a part of me that feels like the main character, especially the scene when she's under an overpass waiting for her next John, it's raining, and she looks chewed up and spit out. This is despite the fact that I have advanced degrees and by most people am seen as "respectable". But whenever I interact with anyone, I always have this sense that they have ulterior thoughts and motives about what they "really" think about me. I've come along way from what I used to be like. At least now, I question whether people do have no respect for me, but I still have a lot of work to do.
I could easily have written this. I graduated from college, I am the only one in my family who has done so including my children. Mostly my memories and partial memories of the things that happened and that I did as a child destroyed me. I've said before the therapist told me I was "hollowed out" by shame. I knew I was "shame based" as a person and I used to say that before I knew about trauma and cPTSD and CSA. I didn't, for most of my adult life, understand those memories meant CSA. I just thought I was "bad" and "low." I have come a long way also. Shame is devastating.
 
I read that book years before I was diagnosed with PTSD, and what it did was show me, in my PTSD recovery, how much toxic shame kept me in the loop of illness and self sabotage.

I hope it helps. I know it was some great information to help lay the foundation for the healing of PTSD... My oldest sister could take the most simple thing, an innocent action of simply me being a child, and turn it into me being the ugliest, most worthless human on earth. So the freedom I attained from this book, outweighed anything she ever said or did.

It was, and still is, a tool I carry with me every day on my healing journey.

Gentle hugs as you walk this path..:hug:'s
 
When I read everyone's posts above, I feel compassion and have a strong sense that shame does not belong in your lives. When it comes to living in my own shame, it feels obvious that somehow the shame is warranted and don't kid yourself. It helps a lot for me to hear words of understanding and support. Thanks for this thread! I very much hope for us all to truly overcome this life-choking framework.
 
Hi again. I'm about 3/4 of the way through "Healing the Shame that Binds you". I was wondering if anyone has tried some of Bradshaw's suggestions for healing (perhaps @ladee)? In particular, did the anchors idea work for you?

The book is very insightful and helped me to understand a lot of the facets of shame. I like his idea that shame makes us teeter between shamelessness and shame - we're either perfect and blame everyone else or scum-of-the earth and take all the blame. When we're shameless, we lash out and force others to carry our shame. And the cycle continues. There's no room to be a flawed human being. Really compassionate book by a sufferer who's done the work.
 
its like i walk around and i think what i have done is written all over me for everyone to read. At other times i feel like i am creating a fake image of innocence to otheres while feeling dirty on the inside.

I don’t even give a f*ck what other people think of me. My shame is in myself, & of myself, rather than perception.
 
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Yes @Friday me too, with rare exception I've never understood how they've sometimes defined shame as in relation to what we think others are thinking of us. But I suppose it doesn't matter if the critic is internal, or perceived to be external?
 
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